Through the Barricades
by A Rogue Slayer
Summary: Sequel to The Gift Redux! Spike and Buffy are together now, but can a soulless vampire and Slayer truly be happy? Probably not!
1. English Patience

Ok, this is a sequel to The Gift Redux. If you don't want to read that story, the premise here is that Buffy and Spike have started dating after she comes back from the dead. Lots of angst and drama happened, so if you want the down low on that, go ahead and read The Gift Redux. Dawn doesn't exist in this world. And Spike has a kitty.  
  
No real spoilers to speak of. Mild season 6 and possibly 7, if anything.  
  
The characters are play-doh. Play-doh that belongs to Joss. I am just borrowing them to mold and shape at my will. Eventually I'll have to give them back, but I don't know why..he doesn't play with them anymore...most of them, anyway.  
  
Anyhoo, I love reviews and they keep me writing. So if you like, tell me. If it could be better, I'm always open to constructive criticism.  
  
**  
  
The past three weeks had been like a dream for Buffy. She spent time with her best friends, reconnected with herself, and spent every night patrolling with Spike. Each and every night started with cemetery sweeps, fights and dustings, and ended with heated make out sessions that seemed to go just a little bit further each time. Against a crypt, under a tree, on her porch, in her kitchen, on her couch, but never, ever in her bedroom. Spike respected her 'slow' wishes, but could be heard grumbling about feeling like a pimple-faced teenager on occasion. Buffy understood how hard it was for a guy to get all worked up and then go home alone each night. And he wasn't just any guy, he was a vampire. She figured that made it even harder when it came to controlling his sex drive. But every night when she'd pull away, breathless and disheveled, he wouldn't say a word. He'd just give a little growl and adjust his, by then, uncomfortable jeans, lean back and catch his unneeded breath. She would lay her head on his chest and thank him for his patience. For Spike it *was* hard, in so many ways. But getting to be with her, in any capacity, made everything easier. Even the frustration of getting a little from her was heaven compared to being without her. But it *was* frustrating for him. For her as well, but her resolve was strong. Kind of.  
  
**  
  
Spike laid his head back on the couch, staring at the ceiling. He was trying to think of anything but the little vixen curled up next to him. She had fallen asleep after they had been watching tv/making out for a while. Her hand started on his chest, drawing little circles on his t- shirt. But when she drifted to sleep, her hand ended up on a much lower part. It was just resting there, but Spike had to stop himself from looking at her hand so close to his.....'No, stop it. She's asleep, for Pete's sake. Doesn't even realize she's driving me crazy being this close, her hand there.....' And slowly, Buffy's hand moved. But not of it's own volition. The thing it was resting on seemed to be the catalyst. Spike gritted his teeth and closed his eyes. Soon, he felt warm licking on his neck. He knew Buffy hadn't moved, so that left one culprit. Spike smiled and opened his eyes. He turned his head to Summer as she continued to lick him.  
  
"What are you doin', little bit? Already had m' bath today," Spike whispered to the cat. Summer nuzzled his face and purred. She then jumped down into Spike's lap, brushing against Buffy's arm. Buffy stirred from her light nap.  
  
"Oh, hey kitty," Buffy cooed as she petted Summer.  
  
Spike was relieved that she had moved her hand, but he was anxious to keep her from noticing his little, or not so little, problem. "So, pet, when's Rupert due?"  
  
Buffy sat up and sleepily pushed some hair out of her face. "Another week, I think. He says he's almost got enough support to get the money for me. Just takes time."  
  
Spike nodded. "Then you're going to tell him about us?"  
  
"Of course. Spike, I told you I'm not hiding this from him. It's just something he needs to hear in person. And I'm not complaining about the extra time to decide how to tell him. This isn't going to be easy. He's really against this."  
  
Spike raised an eyebrow at her. "Oh, and who, besides you, me, and Summer, are *for* our little pairing?"  
  
"I don't know. Tara seems not to mind it so much."  
  
Spike smiled. "Yeah, Glinda really *is* a good witch, isn't she?"  
  
Buffy poked him in the ribs. "Oh, bad joke."  
  
"So it is......No, come on. Not now," Spike said to a slumbering kitten on the arm of the couch. "You're harder than a dead horse to wake, and you've gotten too big to put in my pocket now. And if you wake up when I'm carrying you somewhere, you freak out and scratch me and m' favorite coat up. Come on, wake up," Spike nudged the cat's chin with his finger.  
  
Buffy watched Spike with his kitten and couldn't help but smile. She studied his cheekbones and his hair and his ears and every bit of him she could see. She looked at his other hand, gently resting on her leg. She caressed it softly and took a deep breath.  
  
"I guess Summer wants to have a sleep-over." She let the comment hang between them for a moment, waiting for his reaction, before sputtering, "Or maybe she just....uh.....wants to sleep in her own home, er crypt. I don't know. She's just a cat, who knows what cats want....."  
  
Spike looked at her curiously. "Well.....I think Summer would like to have a sleep-over here. Do we have anywhere for her to sleep?....."  
  
Buffy gulped. "Well, she can sleep with me in my room."  
  
Spike squinted his eyes and tilted his head. "I dunno......she doesn't like to sleep away from me. Tried to leave her upstairs once, and she tore the hell out of my chair up there. She likes to be in the same room as me when she sleeps."  
  
Buffy looked away and nodded. "Well.....she will be......I mean, um, that is, if you.....uh.....maybe it's not a good idea."  
  
Spike frowned. "Well, let's just be clear here. This is for sleeping only, right?"  
  
Buffy looked up at him. "Um, ok. Sure....."  
  
Spike looked a little surprised. "No, hey, no, I mean, I was just asking.....I thought that's what you meant. If you meant something else.....that's ok, too....."  
  
Buffy shrugged. "I don't know. Maybe a little something else....." She looked over his body suggestively before blushing.  
  
Spike smirked. "If you're thinking what I'm thinking, the something won't be little....."  
  
Buffy returned his smirk, confidence coming to her now. "I'm kind of counting on that fact....."  
  
They stared at each other for what seemed an eternity before Spike made a slow move into her. Buffy had apparently abandoned her mantra of slow and grabbed his head with both hands and crushed his mouth to hers. In a moment they were all hands and buttons and zippers and tongues. Spike decided there was a better place for this kind of action and scooped up Buffy in his arms. Without releasing her lips and keeping her somehow balanced on one knee, he reached down and gently picked up the limp, sleeping body of Summer and placed her on Buffy's stomach. He proceeded to carry both his girls upstairs, desperately hoping one slept all night, and knowing with certainty the other one wouldn't.  
  
**  
  
TBC 


	2. Sleeping with the Former Enemy

After putting Summer down on a chair, Spike carried Buffy to the bed and laid her down gently. After a moment's hesitation, he returned to the chair Summer slumbered in and turned it to face the wall. No need traumatizing the poor thing if she were to wake while they were.....not sleeping.  
  
He looked back at Buffy, who looked a mix of nerves and lust. The scent of her arousal combined with a tinge of fear was overwhelming. He hoped he would be able to control himself enough not to scare her away. He joined her on the bed and for a moment she just wrapped her arms around him and held him tightly. He returned her embrace. He realized he needed the moment to regain his composure again. The stimuli and prospects were too much for him, and he needed to calm down before words like 'premature' and 'ejaculation' became an issue.  
  
After a moment of just holding each other, Buffy tilted her head up. Spike smiled down at her and lowered to her for a kiss. His hands played up and down her back while hers ran through his hair. The kiss was gentle at first, but soon they both felt the need for more. Spike slipped one hand under her shirt and caressed her bare back, then skirted his fingers just under the waist of her pants. Buffy pulled her arms down between them and started unbuttoning his shirt. She had been thinking all day that tonight would be the night. When she saw him wearing the blue shirt he had worn the night she told her friends about them, she knew it was a sign. Truth be told, she knew if he had been wearing his standard black t-shirt and black jeans, she would have seen that as a sign too. She just knew she was ready for this. And she was pretty sure he wouldn't have any hesitations. But then he did.  
  
He had stopped his gentle caresses and pulled away from her kiss. His eyes glistened and Buffy could tell he was near tears. "What is it? Is it too fast? I mean, I'm sorry, I just thought....."  
  
Spike smiled a bit and shook his head. "No, luv, not too fast. Nothing wrong with this moment at all."  
  
Buffy reached up and traced his cheekbone. "Then what's with sad Spike?"  
  
He shook his head again. "Not so much sad, luv, as glad." At her frown, he tried to explain. "I just remembered......the last time we were like this. Together, in bed, about to make love....."  
  
Buffy saddened. "Oh, Spike, no. I'm sorry.....so sorry about that. Please don't think of that right now. This is not.....I would never do that again.....you know that, right?"  
  
Spike shook his head, smiling at her. "I know it, luv. That's why I'm glad. Just got that old feeling back for a moment, is all. Just something that flashed in my head. All gone now."  
  
"Good, because this is not a time to be mopey, got it?" She poked him in his now bare chest.  
  
"Got it. God, I love you, Buffy." His eyes betrayed so much emotion, she thought she might cry.  
  
"Spike, I.....you know that I....." Spike put a finger to her lips.  
  
"Ssshhh, don't, luv. You don't have to say anything. 'M not asking for anything, am I? But know that I'm going to tell you all the time, as much as you'll tolerate, that I love you. Your feelings about me are yours to sort out. And once you get them figured out, you can let me know, if you want. And despite what you may think, I'm not asking you to love me. I'm asking you to let me love you. Right now we're two people who make each other happy. Make each other feel good. And if that's all it ever is for you, it's still more than I ever imagined I could have with you. Not saying I don't want you to love me, because we both know that's not true. But I just want this clear, the fact that you care for me and have feelings for me is enough. Always will be. I'll never ask for more than that. And when I say I love you, it's not because I want to hear it back. It's because I feel it and I want you to know it." Spike kissed her on the forehead, needing a moment to not be looking in her soft, green eyes.  
  
When he was able to look at her again, she smiled up at him. "Thank you. I don't know what I did to deserve someone like you, Spike. Since the day I returned, you have always given me what I needed. Always told me what I needed to hear. Even if I didn't want to." She looked shyly at his chest and started tracing light patterns there. "And now.....there's something else that I need. Well, it's more of a want at the moment, but I have a feeling it will become a need pretty soon....."  
  
Spike managed a playful smirk, even while her heady scent tempted his demon to make an appearance. He knew he had to let her see the man in him, as much as the animal wanted to come out and play. He gently rolled her onto he back and slid down her body. He hooked his thumbs in her belt loops and tugged her pants down slowly, releasing more of her aroma. He shivered without realizing, and she stilled his hands. "What's wrong?"  
  
He looked up at her and shook his head. "Nothing, pet. Nothing at all. Just can't believe this is really happening."  
  
She giggled. "Well, maybe you need some more convincing that it *is* happening." With that, she quickly whipped off her shirt and threw it across the room. It landed on the chair that Summer was still contendedly sleeping on.  
  
Buffy smiled when she saw Spike immediately entranced with her chest. "Hmm, maybe I should go patrolling topless. My breasts seem to have the power to hypnotize vampires." She looked down and frowned. "Not much going on there, but whatever works....."  
  
It took Spike a moment to process what she was saying, but when he did, he let out a low growl. "*I'm* the only vamp that gets to see these, got it?"  
  
Buffy bit her lip. "Well....."  
  
A louder growl. "From now on....."  
  
Buffy giggled again, "Deal. But ya know.....you *can* do more than just see them......" Buffy took his hand and brought it to her lace covered breast. Spike made a sound that was somewhere between growling and choking. Buffy pulled him down with her as she laid back on the bed. She let out a slight moan as he ground himself into her as he kissed her neck. "MMmmm....Spike.....too many clothes.....take them off......now." Spike readily complied with that, and every other wish, desire, fantasy and command she had that night.  
  
***  
  
TBC 


	3. Ask Me No Questions

Buffy panted from her strange position. Her head was at the foot of the bed. One leg and arm were dangling off the bed. One leg was on the night stand. Her other arm was resting on Spike's leg, which was for some reason stretched across her stomach. They had both fully intended their first night together to be slow and sensual. And it was, for a little while. Then things seemed out of their control and had resulted in their current positions. The room was a little worse for the wear as well. They had knocked over and broken a lamp. The phone was in pieces on the floor, the victim of an errant knee or elbow.....neither remembered which. There was a big hole in the wall from the headboard, which itself had cracked a few hours earlier. And the bed made a curious creaking sound like if there were any more movement, it might give way. Which is how they came to be lying very still for the time being.  
  
"Pet?" Spike asked, his head hanging off the bed.  
  
"Sshh....don't move."  
  
"Well, I'm afraid movement is an inevitability."  
  
"Ok, ok, but very slowly. I'll go first. Get your leg off me." Spike complied as Buffy gently rolled off the bed. Once she was free, she said, "Ok, you're turn. And be careful! I don't think Xander would like to come fix my bed, especially knowing you were the cause of it being broken."  
  
"Me?! I don't think I was in this bed alone, luv." Spike slowly sat up and swung his legs off the bed. He stood up. Nothing happened. "See? It's fine." Just then, one leg of the bed collapsed loudly, causing Buffy to cock an eyebrow at Spike. "Ok, so not fine. I'll fix it in the morning. But, uh, in the meantime....you do have other beds in this joint, right?" He looked at her suggestively.  
  
"Oh no, you're not ruining any more of my furniture!" She crossed her arms underneath her breasts, which still entranced Spike from time to time.  
  
"Right, then." Spike pulled the bedspread and pillows off the bed and made a pallet in the floor. He laid down and put his hand out for Buffy to join him. She stretched out next to him and laid her head on his chest. Spike kissed the top of her head.  
  
"You are so amazing. I never thought.....I mean, I've been wondering what it would be like with you for a while now......but that.....wow."  
  
"Well, as I recall, I wasn't the only one involved, luv. But, uh, safe to say you've never had a seeing to quite like that?"  
  
"Never.....I forgot what it's like with a vampire." Buffy felt Spike tense a little. "But I mean, even with.....him......it wasn't like this. With him, it was just that once and well......"  
  
"And Captain Cardboard?"  
  
Buffy slapped him lightly on the stomach. "His name is Riley. And no.....nothing compares. I wonder if you haven't ruined me on humans for good," Buffy teased, her voice betraying a touch of sadness.  
  
"Yeah, well, same here. Other way around, though. I forgot how.....the heat of humans. The wet heat.....God, and your Slayer strength and muscles. Pet, you have no idea what you do to me."  
  
"You forgot? I thought you said you'd never had a real girlfriend. Or did William frequent the ladies of the evening?"  
  
"Oh, right, ladies of the evening. William was a poof, luv. He would have never done something so 'wrong.'"  
  
"Ok, so where do you know the 'heat' of humans from?" Buffy prodded.  
  
Spike sighed. "Not really stories for afterglow, luv."  
  
"What? Why not? I'm not asking for details, but you made William out to be this big loser guy. Turns out he was getting play all along. Come on, what was sex like in the Victorian Era?" She turned her face up to his, still resting on his chest.  
  
Spike cocked an eyebrow at her. "Much like it is now, I'd assume. Probably less broken furniture though." He nodded toward the bed. "But I wouldn't really know, because I didn't have any when I was alive."  
  
"But, you said.....ok, I'm confused. You mean you had sex with humans when you were a vampire? Was it like the 'suck job' houses? People get off on having sex with vamps? I mean, I know *I* do, but still.....didn't know it was a 'thing'."  
  
"It's not a 'thing', or maybe it is, I don't know. I don't mean that." Spike sighed and pushed Buffy off of him. He held her by the shoulders gently. "What I'm saying is, I've done a lot of things in my unlife that you and I don't need to discuss. Let's just let the past stay dead, ok?"  
  
Buffy nodded, getting his implications. "Sorry, didn't mean to bring up bad memories."  
  
Spike let her lay on his chest again and played with her hair. "You didn't, luv. Don't worry about it."  
  
Buffy frowned, but Spike couldn't see it. She got his last implication too, whether he meant to imply it or not. As Buffy drifted off to sleep, she wondered what kind of man Spike really was, and if she would like him if she ever find out.  
  
Spike held her and felt the moment she fell asleep. She definitely had a reason to be tired. Probably hadn't had a night like that ever. She'd told him as much. But now it was Spike's time to think. He hadn't thought much in the previous hours, pretty much running on parts other than his brain. He had told her it was ok if she never loved him. And it was, kind of. Maybe. Not really at all. Now that he had her in his arms, was in her life so intimately, it was going to be hard for him to keep his word. It was only natural to want more once you got what you thought would be enough. Spike knew he wanted her to love him more than anything. Even more than the rock 'em sock 'em sex they had. Even more than he had ever wanted Dru.  
  
He wanted to see his love reflected in her eyes. He wanted to hear the words. He wanted to feel her warm breath as she whispered them in the dark. But he wandered if he would really ever have it. She had loved Angel, he was sure of this. Maybe she had loved Riley, but he sincerely doubted it went as deep as with his grandsire. Spike chuckled softly, realizing that he had never wanted to be Angel more in his life. But then again, Spike realized, Angel could never have what Spike was having right now. Afterglow from hours long sex. And it wasn't like Buffy hated him or was just using him. She didn't look at him like he was a thing like she used to. He chuckled again, knowing if Buffy felt that way about him, she'd never have sex with him. She saw he was more than a monster, but what exactly did she see? Did she really see him as a man as she claimed? Spike let out a groan as he realized he was brooding. He had the love of his unlife in his arms after making her call out his name in ecstasy several times, and he was brooding about wanting more from her. 'You got more than you bloody deserve, ya git.'  
  
Just before he started brooding about being broody, he heard a quiet little mewl. He smiled. "Psss-psssst. Over here, bit." Summer jumped from the chair and seemed to search for a moment before bounding up to him. She hopped up on his chest and started intently sniffing him. Spike whispered, "Oh, come on, just had a little bit of fun with my other best girl. You wouldn't begrudge me that, would you? You know you'll always be my little bit." Summer laid on his stomach and stretched, prickling her claws ever so lightly into his skin. She drifted off to sleep again, purring loudly. Before long, Spike followed suit, sleeping and purring with the only things that mattered in his world.  
  
**  
  
TBC 


	4. The Morning After

Buffy woke to something licking her ear. "Spike?" When she opened her eyes and saw it was Summer, she chuckled. "Didn't think Spike's tongue was that rough! From what I remember of last night.." She sighed and let the memories wash over her of the things they had done. It was then that she actually noticed Spike was nowhere to be seen. Before she had a chance to get panicky or self-conscious, Spike nudged the door open slightly. When he saw she was awake, he opened it all the way and slid in, bearing a tray of food.  
  
"Hey, cutie. Finally awake, I see? Thought I had worn you out for the day!"  
  
"Oh, please. Slayer here. I have more stamina and endurance than that!"  
  
"I may test that theory later, luv." Spike set the tray down between them and laid down on his side. Summer came up immediately and began sniffing the fare. "Tut, tut, luv, this isn't for you. You'll get something later." He picked her up and set her away from the food. She came right back. "Come on, bit, you're ruining my attempt at a romantic gesture here."  
  
Buffy giggled. "It's the thought that counts, Spike. She can have some of my eggs."  
  
Spike frowned. "No, she cannot." He got up and put Summer outside the room, closing the door on her efforts to rejoin them. He got a few angry 'meow's for that. "We may have to go check on your furniture soon...Anyway..." Spike laid back down on the pallet.  
  
"Well, now, the picnic was one thing. I didn't know you could really cook!"  
  
"Lots you don't know about me, luv." Buffy frowned, suddenly remembering their exchange from the night before. Spike mistook her frown. "Don't worry. Plenty of time to learn all about me. Did you read my journal?"  
  
Buffy blushed. "No, I just couldn't. It felt so private...I felt like I was intruding. I know, I read it when I didn't have permission, but now you say it's ok...I don't know..are you sure you want me reading that?"  
  
"It's fine, luv. I want you to know what I felt then."  
  
Buffy smiled. She sat up and crawled to her nightstand. Spike enjoyed the view. She crawled back with the journal. "Here. Will you read some of it to me?"  
  
Spike looked a bit taken aback. "Uh, well, I don't know. I mean, it's one thing to let you read it, it's another to read it to you...some of it's kinda embarrassing."  
  
"Oh, please, Spike. It would mean a lot." Buffy pouted a bit.  
  
Spike sighed, "Maybe after breakfast. We'll see...first you eat."  
  
"You didn't make any for yourself?" Buffy said as she dug in heartily to the eggs and toast he had prepared.  
  
"Nah, I like food, but not when I'm really hungry."  
  
"Well, silly, isn't that when you're supposed to eat?" She poked him in the chest playfully.  
  
Spike looked a little uncomfortable. "Uh, not really hungry for food, luv."  
  
Then it hit Buffy. "Oh....right. Sorry I don't have any blood here."  
  
"Well, you wouldn't, would you?"  
  
"Maybe I should. I mean, you're here a lot. You come over almost every night. It's silly that I don't keep some of my boyfriend's favorite 'beverage' in stock."  
  
"Boyfriend?" Spike shot an eyebrow up.  
  
"Well, you *are* aren't you?"  
  
He chuckled. "Yeah, I guess I am. Just sounds so bleedin' proper, is all."  
  
"Well, what would you rather I call you? 'Creature of the night that I have hot, steamy sex with'? Or 'He of the mesmerizing cheekbones,' or 'Vampire with abs I could grate cheese on.' Oh, I got it! 'Spike, my lover that has a very bitable butt!" She waggled her eyebrows.  
  
Spike grinned widely at her efforts. "Yeah, I like that."  
  
"Really? Which one, the bitable butt or the cheekbones. Because, really, they all apply here."  
  
Spike reached out a finger to trace her jaw. "The 'lover' bit. Call me whatever you want, pet. Boyfriend, significant other, whatever. But I'll always be your lover."  
  
Buffy slowly shoved the tray off the pallet. "Can't argue with logic." She leaned in to kiss Spike, as he put his arm around her waist to pull her closer.  
  
**  
  
Once they finally decided to actually get up for the day, it was nearly 1pm. Buffy had insisted that while she took a shower, Spike try to fix her bed. He argued that they could conserve water if they showered together, but she was in fear of destroying the plumbing, so she put him on bed duty.  
  
After renovating a crypt to livable style, Spike had become pretty handy with tools. He almost chuckled at the idea of Xander coming over to fix this mess. Of course, he'd do it if Buffy asked. Spike envisioned just sitting on the chair with Buffy in his lap as they watched Xander fixing what their lovemaking broke. Oh, how the boy would fume. But he decided he'd do his best to get along with Xander for the time being. All the Scoobies had tried to be decent to Spike whenever Buffy brought him along on group activities. Spike did his best to follow suit. Sometimes it was hard though. He preferred going out with Buffy alone. Always patrolling first, then other stuff after. And after last night, he was sure the 'other stuff' would only be getting sweeter.  
  
He had finally finished making the bed sturdy again when Buffy walked in wearing a robe, her hair up in a towel. He smiled at her. She absolutely glowed sometimes. She glowed even brighter when she looked at him. He was proud to be the one that did that for her. He thought for a moment that maybe he could forgo hearing her admissions of love if she would just glow like this every time they were near. But he knew better than that. But this wasn't the time for his brooding thoughts, not when his princess was so close. He glided up to her, sliding a finger down the opening of her robe. She slapped his hand away.  
  
"Now you go shower. I think we were both so covered in each other that my friends would smell us from their houses!"  
  
Spike frowned. "What's this got to do with your mates?"  
  
"Hehe, oh, you noticed my smooth segue? Well, I was kind of thinking that maybe I'd invite them over tonight. It's been a while since they all came over here, had pizza and talked, ya know?"  
  
"Right. Well, soon as the sun goes down, me and Summer will leave you to your Scooby fun."  
  
"I was kind of hoping you'd stay. I mean, you are kind of a Scooby by association."  
  
Spike's eyebrows shot up. "I bloody well am not! Just because I shag the Slayer doesn't make me part of the group, luv. Ask any of them, I'm sure they'll agree."  
  
"'Shag the Slayer'? Geez, I'm glad this all meant so much to you..." She pouted. He sighed and reached up a hand to caress her face.  
  
"Luv, you know I didn't mean it like that. If you want me to stay, I'll stay. I just don't think your friends fancy having me around all the time. And that's fine. I'm only here to be with you anyway."  
  
Buffy shrugged. "I know, but I was just hoping that if we all spent more time together, they'd start to get used to you. And they have, but I mean...I want everyone to get along without all the weirdness that there seems to be sometimes..."  
  
Spike kissed her forehead. "Buffy, there is going to be weirdness. It's a fact. Maybe there will be less in a while, but right now, you've just got to accept that they don't like me being with you."  
  
"I know...I just wish everyone could be friends."  
  
"Hey, all I care about is that you deem it proper to let me in your life. And in your bed, when it's not broken. I don't give a lot of thought to the Scoobs, but if you want me to spend more time with them, that's what I'll do. You know I can't deny you anything."  
  
Buffy nodded. "I know. It's going to come in handy in the future, I'm sure." She gave him a little grin.  
  
"Uh huh. I'll just bet. Ok, I'm going to shower. Alone... You mind giving Summer a bit of something to eat? She'll do with anything, leftovers, milk, whatever you got. She's not too picky. I won't be long."  
  
Buffy stood on her toes to give Spike a quick kiss. "Sure. And I'm going to call everyone about tonight. You sure you're ok with it?"  
  
"Of course, pet. Maybe I'll even be able to go a night without insulting the whelp." Buffy raised her eyebrows. "Ok, maybe an hour. I'll start with an hour...."  
  
Buffy grinned as he left her room, already peeling off his clothes for the shower. She picked up the pieces of her phone and decided calling her friends from downstairs would be better. She was going to make everyone like each other no matter how long it took.  
  
**  
  
TBC 


	5. Sorry Seems to Be the Hardest Word

"Ok, we have to break up." Buffy stood over Spike with her arms crossed.  
  
Spike shot up from the floor. "What?! Why? What?"  
  
"Because we've only been 'intimate' for one day, and you've already broken more furniture than I can afford to fix!" Buffy pouted.  
  
Spike sighed in relief and cocked his head. "Oh, it's all my fault again, is it?"  
  
"Well, I've managed to live here by myself for a while now without breaking anything. You show up, and it becomes a disaster area. We may have to call for federal aide here..."  
  
Spike smiled. "Luv, I told you I'd fix it all. And what I can't fix, I'm sure the whel-Xander....would be willing to work on. We just tell him we were sparring and broke a few things...."  
  
"A *few* things? And besides, the sparring story won't work. You're not supposed to be able to hurt me, remember?"  
  
Spike looked a little confused. "You never told your mates? About the chip?"  
  
Buffy shook her head. "No, and I'm sorry. I know you said secrets were of the bad, but I just....I don't know how they'd take that. I mean, us dating is me making a decision on how to live my life. Not the possibility that you're able to kill again. I think the only reason they're reasonably sane right now is because they think you're chipped and can't hurt me. I'll tell them if you want me to, but I'm really not sure it's a good idea."  
  
"No, for once I'd have to agree with a little secret keeping. Especially with the Watcher. Think he'd stake me good and proper and ask questions later."  
  
Buffy frowned. "Especially after the Angelus mess. He really distrusts vamps, especially vamps that have nothing holding them back from evil."  
  
"But I do, don't I?" Spike slid closer to her.  
  
Buffy moved a bit further away. "If you say so, and I thought I told you to get dressed! If you don't keep your distance, I'm afraid my friends may get a show they weren't planning on! Cuz I gotta tell you, you and naked...really good combo." Buffy looked him over appreciatively, then shook her head. "But you said you'd fix some of this stuff before they got here. You have one hour to make this place presentable!"  
  
Spike chuckled. "Not a problem, luv. But, uh, as soon as I do the mending, I'm gonna head back to my crypt, ok?"  
  
Buffy pouted again. "What? Why? You said you'd stay and be social...."  
  
Spike moved in and leaned down to take her pouting lip between his teeth, giving it a little nibble. "Just thought you'd want me to change my clothes, pet. I mean, this place already reeks of our sex, don't figure I need to add to it. Cuz from what I can tell, not all my clothes made it out of the line of fire. And uh, got a few tears.... Now don't get me wrong, I'd love to wear your scent all evening, but your mates might not appreciate it."  
  
Buffy nodded. "Ok, ok, you win. But don't be gone long. And fix this stuff first!"  
  
"Right. And I'll take Summer home. She can last a few hours without me."  
  
"Yeah, probably best not to leave her alone with me. I'm under the distinct impression that she doesn't like me much, what with brutal attack a couple hours ago."  
  
Spike grinned. "Hey, just my girl lookin' after me. She thought you were hurting me. 'Course, that could have something to do with the growlin' and yellin' and moanin'...."  
  
"Yeah, well for all she knows, *you* were hurting *me*!"  
  
"Hurt so good, luv?" Spike smirked.  
  
"Oh, please....now get to work!"  
  
**  
  
Spike was true to his word, having fixed all the broken items well enough for appearances. He was also back in clean clothes before the first Scoobies arrived. Xander greeted Spike with a curt nod. More than Spike had expected. The girls were, as always, polite. Tara always seemed to give him a little extra smile. Spike wondered if any of the others ever noticed.  
  
Once they were all assembled in the living room and the pizza had been ordered, Xander stood up. "Uh, guys. There's something I want to tell you all, and I can't think of a better time than now. Now that I'm surrounded by my best friends, and Spike." Spike raised an eyebrow, but said nothing. He didn't really fancy being Xander's friend anyway. "Anya and I are getting married." Xander looked down at Anya who looked a bit surprised at first, then immediately started glowing.  
  
She jumped up and ran to get her purse hanging on the coat rack. She returned with the ring, and put it on to model for everyone. "He didn't want to tell anyone for a long time because Buffy was gone. But now she's back and I guess he finally decided everything was settled enough to announce it!" The girls ooohed and aaaahed over the ring, while Spike gave Xander an amused look.  
  
"What, dead boy? Got something to say?" Xander asked coldly. The girls were still mooning over the ring, but Buffy was watching the men out of the corner of her eye.  
  
Spike chewed the inside of his cheek for a moment before saying, "Congratulations. Got yourself a real fine girl. Better than you deserve."  
  
Xander bristled for a moment before relaxing into a small grin. "Yeah, you're not wrong." The men shared a small nod before becoming uncomfortable with the civility between them. They both muttered something that sounded like insults before turning their attention to the women. Anya was smiling brightly while Willow and Tara complimented her ring effusively.  
  
Buffy walked over to Spike and sat down in his lap. "Thank you," she whispered as she nibbled his earlobe.  
  
"For what?"  
  
"You know, for what. Being nice to Xander."  
  
"I was *not* nice. Just trying not to start a fight, ya know...."  
  
"Uh huh...." Buffy turned her attention to the gang. "Well, this calls for a celebration. I think alcoholic beverages are in order! I'll get those, Will, why don't you see if there are any crazy music videos we can make fun of!" Spike followed Buffy into the kitchen to help.  
  
"Aye aye, Cap'n!" Willow turned on the tv, then frowned. "Ugh, look. That guy gives me the creeps."  
  
"Who's that?" Tara asked. When she looked up at the tv, she said softly, "Oh, him....yeah.."  
  
Buffy entered the living room, arms full of drinks. As she passed them out to her somber friends, she asked, "What's up? I just went to get drinks. Not like I died again or anything...." Spike frowned. "What? It's a joke...."  
  
Willow looked up from the tv. "Oh, just that creepy serial killer guy. You know, the one who flays his victims alive....32 dead that they know of. And now they've caught him, and he's all repenty. Yeah, like he couldn't have thought of how sorry he'd be when he was killing those people. Makes my skin crawl."  
  
Spike scoffed, "32? Not bad for a human, I suppose. But I never did understand all that 'sorry' crap. He obviously enjoyed it when he was doing it, why pretend to be sorry after the fact? Or even those people that kill someone on accident. What's to be sorry about something unintentional?"  
  
"Maybe you just have a problem with the concept of 'sorry'..." Xander muttered.  
  
"Well, yeah, I guess I do, now that you mention it, whelp. Never saw much need for someone bein' sorry or feelin' guilty. Doesn't change the deed. No one ever got un-dead by someone feeling sorry for killing them. No one ever got un-run over by the drunk driver feeling guilty. I mean, how about you, Anya? You feel sorry for the thousands of people you cursed?"  
  
Anya looked stunned. "Um, well....yes, of course I do. I mean, ok, sure, there is a certain pride associated with it. But that's because it was my job for a thousand years. Nothing wrong with taking satisfaction in a job well done. But now that I'm human, I do feel bad. I think about them sometimes...the men I cursed. Not that most of them didn't have it coming, but still....my tactics were sometimes harsher than necessary."  
  
Spike nodded. "Right, so you feel bad for being a little hard on those gits who wronged their women. And has that ever changed anything? Has it ever put back someone's entrails? Has it ever turned them back human from being an ogre?"  
  
"Troll," everyone else answered in unison.  
  
"Whatever....m' point is, you lot would be better off if you just accepted the things done as the past and didn't dwell on them. Life would be a lot easier, without the guilt, I think."  
  
"You mean without a conscience," Xander said.  
  
"If you like," Spike offered.  
  
Willow frowned. "So you're saying that this guy who killed 32 people should just be happy with himself?"  
  
"What's he gonna gain by wallowing in guilt? I mean, if he makes a good show, maybe he gets 30 life sentences instead of 32. But he's not puttin' the skin back on any of those people by feeling sorry. Might as bloody well enjoy life while you can. That's the problem with you humans, you dwell too much on the things you did instead of focusing on the things you're doing. You make a mistake, move on. You do something rotten on purpose, move on, cuz you meant it at the time and no amount of sorry is going to change that fact."  
  
Xander chuckled. "I think we could play that Sesame Street game now. 'One of these people is not like the other ones'...But I guess we have to remember what we're dealing with, don't we?" Xander looked pointedly at Spike.  
  
"Right you are, pup. Do you well not to forget it, either." Spike returned his icy look.  
  
"Ok, ok, I think the testosterone is through the roof right now, and I, personally, want to poke some fun at an old Madonna video. Willow, any luck finding some funnies?" Buffy looked too hopefully at Willow.  
  
Willow frowned, having been completely engrossed in Spike's rant. "Uh, right. I think the 'Best of the 80's' is on in a few minutes."  
  
"Good! That will be fun. Spikey, why don't you come outside with me and wait for the pizza man?"  
  
Spike cocked his head. "Don't they usually come to the door?" Buffy grabbed his arm and hauled him out to the porch. "Easy, luv, don't have many more clothes for you to rip."  
  
"What *was* that? I thought you were going to try and get along." Buffy frowned deeply.  
  
"What? That? That was nothing. Just a bit o' banter, luv. Can't help but enjoy getting the whelp's hackles up."  
  
"Well, if you don't mind, let's not do our best to remind my friends that I happen to be dating a soulless killer, ok?" Buffy crossed her arms and stared out into the yard.  
  
Spike bristled but said nothing. Instead, he leaned up against the door and crossed his arms, mimicking Buffy's pose unintentionally. They stood in silence for a while.  
  
When the pizza finally arrived 10 minutes later, Buffy went out to the car to meet the delivery man. She came back to the porch with two boxes, which Spike relieved her of. As she opened the door, Spike grabbed her arm. "Pet, I'm sorry. Didn't know that would make you so mad. Just a bit of talk, is all."  
  
Buffy raised an eyebrow. "Sorry? Thought you didn't believe in 'sorry'."  
  
Spike smiled. "Well, see, there you go again. Turning my world upside down. I *do* care about sorry when it's you. I wouldn't hurt you for anything, you know it."  
  
Her glare softened a bit. "Just try to get along, ok? And let's leave all talk about Anya being an ex-demon out of the conversation. Xander's never happy when that comes up."  
  
"Hey, not my fault he can't accept her for what she is, or was."  
  
"Spike...."  
  
"Ok, ok. For you, luv. I'll be on best behavior. But I certainly hope there is a reward of some kind." Spike winked at her.  
  
"Or what?" Buffy teased.  
  
"Or *you'll* be sorry...for your furniture..." He gave her a wicked grin and flicked his tongue across his bottom lip.  
  
"Promises, promises..." Buffy opened the door as Spike followed her in.  
  
Spike found it wasn't that hard to keep his word. Being nice to Xander was a challenge, but seeing Buffy smile in appreciation was reward enough. But he wouldn't let her know that.  
  
**  
  
TBC 


	6. Nice Day for a White Wedding

As the gang poked fun at Cindy Lauper and Billy Idol, Spike watched Buffy. He hadn't seen her this jubilant in a long time. She had been happy in the last few weeks, no doubt. But tonight she was glowing. Laughing and joking with her friends. Spike hadn't paid any attention to the tv, only to her. She sat on his lap most of the night, only leaving him to get drinks and play hostess. She giggled when he would groan as she pressed herself firmly into his lap every time she returned. Then he would feel her sharp intake of breath when she felt the fruits of her labor. He could smell her arousal as surely as she could feel his. A few lusty looks were shared, but they both silently agreed to behave until the audience was gone.  
  
Neither noticed the looks Xander shot them. He wasn't happy, to be sure. But his surprise had subsided into general discontent over the last few weeks. And now that he saw how happy Buffy was with him, he couldn't help but be a bit more accepting. He knew she deserved to be happy, and wherever she found that, he would deal with it--even if it was in the most distasteful place. Xander often wondered what would have happened if Riley had stayed in town. He had liked Riley. Riley was a solid, normal guy. Normal, as long as you didn't count the Initiative aspect. That thought made Xander remember Spike's chip. The way he figured, as long as Spike couldn't hurt Buffy and he was making her this happy, he wouldn't complain. Not too loudly, anyway.  
  
Once all the pizza was gone and the videos were done, everyone slowly trickled out of the Summers' house. As Willow left, she made Buffy promise they would have a night like that more often, and Buffy readily agreed. She had shot Spike a questioning look and he just shrugged. She didn't push him, knowing she could get anything out of him anyway.  
  
As the door shut on the last guest, Spike grabbed Buffy and pushed her against the door, locking it at the same time. As he kissed her neck, he whispered, "Now I want my Buffy time......"  
  
Buffy giggled, "I think you had your Buffy time all last night, and most of today, come to think of it."  
  
Spike growled, "Not enough......want more......"  
  
Buffy slowly draped her arms over Spike's shoulder as he continued his ministrations. "I think that can be arranged."  
  
Spike raised up with a frown. "Bloody hell!"  
  
"What?!" Buffy asked, a bit alarmed.  
  
Spike clenched his jaw. "Summer. Can't leave her alone all night. And I need to feed her again before she sleeps. Soddin' git! I knew there was a reason Big Bads didn't keep housepets!"  
  
Buffy giggled. "Why don't I spend the night at your place? Problem solved."  
  
Spike looked a bit stunned. "You.....you wanna stay at my crypt?"  
  
"Well, wouldn't be the first time I've slept there, would it? And if I know you even a little bit, I don't think I'll get much sleep anyway."  
  
Spike smirked. "You got that right."  
  
"Ok, but I have one condition."  
  
"Oh, that can't be good," Spike chuckled.  
  
"Summer stays upstairs while we.....ya know....."  
  
Spike tilted his head and gave her a evil grin. "No, I don't know. While we what?"  
  
"Spike....."  
  
"What, Slayer? Something in particular you're expecting from me? I should be prepared, I think. What is it? Kissing? Will we be kissing?  
  
"Well, yeah....."  
  
"Hmm.....but that's not all, is it? Will we be shagging, Slayer?"  
  
Buffy looked away, slightly embarrassed.  
  
"Fucking? Will we be fucking, luv?" Spike purred into her ear.  
  
Buffy let out an aggravated sigh. "Spike, enough....."  
  
"Enough? From where I'm standing, we haven't even started! What is it? We can do things I never thought a circus contortionist could do, but we can't talk about it?"  
  
"Something like that." Buffy looked annoyed.  
  
"Well, what about....." Spike traced her ear, then jaw with his finger. "......making love......will we be doing that, pet?" He nibbled her earlobe.  
  
Buffy sighed and pushed him away gently. "We'll be doing it all, I imagine, but not until we get Summer taken care of." She grabbed her coat and Spike's duster from the rack. She smiled for a moment before putting hers back. She slipped on the duster and grabbed her keys from the keyholder. "Ready?" Spike raised his eyebrows at her. "What? Just borrowing. And besides, you telling me you aren't just dying to see me wearing this......and nothing else?"  
  
Spike's eyebrows dropped and he let out a low growl. Buffy giggled as she stood on her toes to give him a peck on his nose. Before he could grab her and show her what a proper kiss was, she had turned off the lights and opened the door, now standing on the porch with a contented smile on her face. He slowly joined her and closed the door behind him. When she moved to lock it, he ran his arm around her waist and nuzzled her neck from behind. As he nibbled lightly along her soft skin, she was making a sound that Spike was pretty sure would have been a purr had she been a vampire.  
  
As they walked, Spike asked Buffy, "So you think the whelp and demon girl are really gonna make it to the altar?"  
  
Buffy looked confused. "Of course they will. Why wouldn't they?"  
  
Spike shrugged. "Dunno. The boy looked like a scared rabbit at regular intervals throughout the night. Not sure he's got what it takes to make the long walk."  
  
Buffy punched him playfully in the arm. "Yes he does! Xander loves Anya. And don't mention your theory to Anya, if only for the rabbit thing..." Spike looked at her quizzically. She shook her head. "It's a thing, never mind."  
  
"All I'm saying is, if it's like you said, and he's not really crazy about her demon history and doesn't want to confront it, seems like they'll have a lot of problems."  
  
"Why would that cause problems? You and I don't talk about your...history. And we're just fine."  
  
"We're also not on the cusp of being bound to each other for life. Not that marriage is that anymore. Not like a vampire mating, that's for sure. If we were, I think it would be important to talk about all the little nasties that we'd rather not. We'll cross that bridge when we get there, but right now it's not so important. Like I said before, let the past lie."  
  
"So why couldn't Anya and Xander let it lie too?"  
  
"Because it will bite them in the asses if they don't talk about it. Get it out in one go, all his problems with it, all her feelings about it. Otherwise it will come up in the future in ways they don't expect. They'll transfer their insecurities about her past onto other issues in their marriage."  
  
Buffy stopped and raised her eyebrows at Spike. "Where did you come up with that?"  
  
Spike shrugged. "Dr. Phil. Bloody smart bloke..."  
  
Buffy nodded and smiled. She linked her arm in Spike's as they continued to walk. "So, about that vampire mating thing..pretty strong bond?"  
  
Spike nodded. "The strongest. Blood, heart and mind bound together for eternity."  
  
"So...I assume you and Dru.."  
  
Spike sighed. "No, Dru and I were never mated. Not that it made a difference to me, I felt just as tied to her."  
  
"Why didn't you ever..do that with her?"  
  
"Angelus. She was his childe and he forbade her to become mated to me. He didn't like me much. Well, at all. And even after he became all soul- having, she would never do it. Oh, I begged and pleaded, but she said 'Daddy told me not to.' So we never did. Probably for the best."  
  
Buffy forced a small smile, because talking about Angelus always brought her down. "Well, I'm glad you never did. I'd hate to be carrying on with a married man."  
  
Spike smirked. "Well, you know, I do have that other gal waiting at home for me..."  
  
Buffy poked him in the ribs. "Oh, you'd just love for me to get in a cat fight over you, wouldn't you?"  
  
Spike rolled his eyes. "Bad joke, Slayer. Bad joke."  
  
"Hey, I learned from the master of saying stupid things.."  
  
Spike looked thoughtful. "Yeah, Harris really is a dolt." Before Buffy could protest, Spike pulled her in for a kiss that put all thoughts of Xander, Angelus and Drusilla out of her mind. They continued the walk to Spike's crypt in silence, save for the smooching sounds that could be heard every few seconds.  
  
**  
  
TBC 


	7. Kiss and Tell

They spent the next week alternating between Buffy's house and Spike's crypt. When they stayed at Spike's, he always had candles lit, and Summer always stayed upstairs. When they stayed at Buffy's, she always closed up the curtains tight, and Summer got accustomed to staying downstairs without much fuss. It was a sweet arrangement, but Spike noticed Buffy was getting increasingly distracted as the days went by. Finally one night, when she wasn't even responding to his soft nibbles on her ear, he asked her what was wrong.  
  
"Nothing." Buffy turned in his arms and smiled sweetly.  
  
"Bollocks. You're upset about somethin' and you won't tell me what. Don't make me tickle it out of you..." Spike raised an eyebrow and grinned suggestively.  
  
"Don't you dare! And I think we both know how that tickle war will end, Mr. 'Please, please, please Buffy, I can't take anymore'!" Buffy poked him in the chest.  
  
"Pfft, never happened. And stop changing the subject. What's got you off in la-la land?"  
  
Buffy shrugged. "Giles is coming back tomorrow. Just a little nervous, I guess."  
  
"About getting an allowance from the Council of Wankers, or telling him about us?" Spike ran his finger lightly along her arm.  
  
"Both, I guess. He said he'd tell me everything when he got here. And I told him I had some things to talk with him about too. I don't know...he's like my father. I know he won't approve of this. And how can I just be like, 'Gee, thanks for risking your reputation and swallowing your pride so I can get this money, by the way I went and did the one thing you I knew you'd disapprove of the most!'" Buffy sighed and closed her eyes. "I just don't know how to tell him.  
  
Spike kissed Buffy on the forehead. "You'll figure it out, luv. You always do. And I'll be there with you, for support. Unless you don't think I should be."  
  
"I don't know. Maybe I should tell him in private. Not sure what's the best route of attack here." She looked up at Spike, her weariness showing clear.  
  
"You gonna tell him tomorrow? At the shindig?"  
  
"I don't know. I think so. I think I just want to get it out of the way. I mean, it's a party for Xander and Anya's engagement. He can't get too mad, right? It's a happy occasion. A little bit of bad news won't hurt anything.."  
  
"Bad news...been called a lot of things in my day but...no, wait, I *have* been called bad news before...scratch that."  
  
"Oh, Spike, you know what I mean. Not bad news, just news Giles won't be happy to hear. I've just got to handle it delicately."  
  
"Well, luv, if he doesn't accept it, not sure how much of a loss that is."  
  
"It's Giles! I can't lose him...don't even say that."  
  
Spike shook his head and pulled her tighter. "I'm sure he won't reject you. He won't be happy, I know. But if he were to turn his back on you, he wasn't worthy of your love anyway. 'S all I meant."  
  
Buffy nodded. "I know, you're right. It'll all be fine. Everything will work out. It always does. Usually after much in the way of demon guts and averted apocolypsesesses...but it always works out." Buffy snuggled in close to Spike, warming him with her body.  
  
**  
  
Buffy waited nervously at the Sunnydale Airport. She was shifting from foot to foot, watching the arrival gate. She wished Spike could have come with her. But that would have probably given away the big secret that she had no idea of how to tell Giles. She didn't want to disappoint him, but she was so happy with Spike. If there was any way of showing Giles that, making him understand, maybe he would be able to accept it all.  
  
When she saw him emerging, she ran up and gave him a big hug. "I missed you so much! Don't ever leave again!"  
  
Giles chuckled as he embraced her. "Well, that's not a guarantee I can make, but I can assure you I'll be here for a good long while."  
  
"Come on, mom's car should be big enough to fit you and all the loads of Council money you brought with you??" Buffy raised her eyebrows expectantly.  
  
Giles smiled. "We'll discuss that later. And when did you get your license?"  
  
"Um, you know...a while ago..." Buffy lied.  
  
"Uh huh. Perhaps I'll drive. Not so keen on losing you again so soon after getting you back!"  
  
Buffy pouted. "Killjoy."  
  
**  
  
By the time they reached her house, Buffy had filled Giles in on the goings on. Most of them, anyway. She told him about the party for Anya and Xander's engagement, which seemed to surprise Giles, but he didn't say anything about it.  
  
After Giles got resettled into the guest room, he came to the kitchen to find Buffy making tea for him. She was obviously trying to butter him up for info, and after much outright begging, Giles finally divulged the fruits of his trip. He was tempted to make Buffy wait until the party, but decided not to detract from the attention the happy couple would be getting. He informed Buffy that he had managed to get most of his demands met, including the Council's agreement to pay off her home while putting the deed in her name. Giles wanted to assure that no underhanded politics would cause her to be kicked out to the street. Giles had planned on using Joyce's insurance money for the house, but he'd changed his mind and tried to finagle a bit more out of the council. They also agreed to a rather large lump sum that was to be put into an investment account. The big catch with that, however, was that the Council retained primary ownership of the account, with Giles being the secondary. They were not about to let a girl like Buffy have access to such money, so Giles had to acquiesce and take responsibility for it.  
  
The primary ownership meant that if Buffy or Giles upset the Council or didn't bend to their wishes, the money would be gone. Buffy, or rather Giles, was entitled to all the interest and dividends that the account produced, as long as the Slayer and Watcher played ball. Since this was still more than Giles had hoped for, he agreed to the terms. He was quite sure that there would come a time when the Council would make demands that he or Buffy were unwilling or unable to meet, but he hoped Buffy would be able to save up some money for that eventual rainy day. The Council also put in the stipulation that no one had access, except the Council itself, to the principal in the account for 5 years. Giles surmised that the Council hoped that a Slayer's shortened lifespan would aid them so the full amount could revert to the primary owner. Giles had been sure to read all the fine print, noticing that his secondary ownership only lasted as long as Buffy lived. He knew, though, if there was any Slayer that could last that long, it was Buffy.  
  
After he finished filling her in, her eyes were a bit glazed. Giles wondered if he went into too high of detail of the account handling.  
  
Giles chuckled at her look. "In short, you will own this home and have money enough to pay the bills. Even enough to start saving, which I think is rather necessary, if I know the Council."  
  
Buffy shook her head. "I can't believe.....I mean.....it's really more than I was hoping for. I was expecting them to laugh you right out of the country. But this.....it's a lot."  
  
"It is. With conditions, but it is more generous than I expected them to be."  
  
"Why? I mean, I'm not even the real Slayer."  
  
Giles took sipped on his cup of tea. "With Faith in jail, the Council essentially has *no* Slayer. You're all they've got, so they're going to do what they can to keep you happy. To a point, of course. It's why your talk with them last year worked. They don't have anyone else to fight their fight. Not until Faith passes....."  
  
Buffy's face clouded. "You don't think......I mean, I know the Council can be pretty underhanded and dirty, but you don't think that my stubbornness could put Faith in danger, do you? I mean, not that I should care......she's not high on my list of likes, but still......"  
  
Giles shrugged. "One can never tell with the Council. But I think it's safe to say that if they haven't made an attempt to have a new Slayer called yet, it's not in their minds. And so they're making do with you."  
  
Buffy frowned. "Gee, thanks. Make me sound like a second string cheerleader!"  
  
Giles smiled. "Of course that's not what I meant. They're damned lucky to have you."  
  
Buffy pouted. "Well, I guess I can't be *too* mad at you since you went and got me loads of money!" She moved from leaning on the counter to give him a hug.  
  
"Yes, well.....I believe you had something you wanted to discuss with me as well?"  
  
Buffy released him slowly. "Yeah, well.....I think it's news for later."  
  
Giles frowned. "Buffy....."  
  
"No, really, it's just......well, ok, it's something I know you won't be thrilled to hear, but it's nothing bad, I promise. Please, just leave it for later. Really, it's......"  
  
Buffy was mercifully reprieved by Willow and Tara coming in the front door. "Hello? Anyone here?"  
  
Buffy's eyebrows shot up in surprise and relief. "In the kitchen!"  
  
Giles gave Tara and Willow hugs, assuring them that Buffy's money issues were being handled when they asked him about his efforts.  
  
"That's great! Cuz, no one wants to see Buffy in one of those scary Doublemeat Palace uniforms, " Tara offered with a smile.  
  
"And an 'amen' to that!" Buffy laughed. "So, we got everything for decorating?"  
  
Willow frowned. "Yeah, we got it. Tara told me we should do it by hand instead of taking a shortcut. Said it would mean more to Xander and Anya."  
  
Giles shared a look with Tara. "Yes, well, I'm certain they will appreciate all the effort you girls are putting into the party."  
  
"Girls? Hey, while you're living under my roof, mister, you'll help with decorating for all festivities. It's a house rule." Buffy poked Giles in the arm.  
  
Giles raised an eyebrow. "Yes well, do allow me a moment of respite for the jet lag that has been incurred by traveling back and forth across the ocean to procure funds that will make said house yours....."  
  
Buffy looked sheepish. "Well, I guess you can sit it out just this once......"  
  
"Yes, well, I'd prefer to nap it out, if it's all the same to you. Do wake me before Anya and Xander arrive."  
  
"Will do." Buffy saluted Giles as he left the kitchen.  
  
**  
  
Giles' wake up call came in the form of loud music from downstairs. After he'd freshened up and changed clothes, he trudged downstairs, trying to shake the fog from his head. He stopped at the bottom of the stairs to see Willow and Tara working with the radio. They saw him and Willow quickly said, "Sorry! We're trying to get the volume dial to work right, but something's wonky. I could fix it, but......." Tara frowned. "But we'll just keep working on it......Sorry for waking you." Giles dismissed them with a smile and a wave of his hand. He headed into the kitchen to have a cup of tea, hopefully allowing him to fully wake.  
  
What he saw jolted him to full alert. Buffy. Spike. Spike kissing Buffy. Buffy kissing back. Not just kissing. Groping, feeling, moaning, smacking......  
  
Buffy pulled away from Spike quickly when she heard Giles clear his throat. She looked guilty. Spike looked a bit sheepish, but pushed it away with a milder than usual smirk. "Watcher."  
  
Giles eyes never left Buffy. "I think there was something you wanted to discuss with me?"  
  
Buffy nodded and walked to where Giles stood. "Well, I guess this is unnecessary, but Spike and I are......seeing each other."  
  
Giles clenched his jaw. "No, Buffy, you and *I* are seeing each other. What you were doing with him had nothing to do with vision."  
  
Buffy sighed. "Giles......I'm sorry." She heard Spike scoff quietly behind her. She shot him a look before turning back to Giles. "Not sorry that I'm with Spike, but sorry that it disappoints you. Because I knew it would. And obviously I didn't set out for any of this to happen, and I wouldn't intentionally hurt you for anything. But things just......happened with me and Spike. We got closer--"  
  
"Oh, I can bloody well see that!" Giles snapped.  
  
"Hey! Ease up, Rupert. It's obvious this is hard for her, no need in making it harder," Spike defended.  
  
"You.....you are not involved in this discussion. I would like to speak with Buffy alone." Spike looked nowhere near leaving.  
  
Buffy gave quiet thanks for her second reprieve that night in the form of Anya and Xander's arrival. As she heard them coming in, she asked Giles, "Can we finish this later? Please? I promise we'll have it all out, but right now.....I don't want to ruin their party."  
  
Giles gave a tight nod. "No, I don't wish to dampen the occasion either. But Buffy.....we *are* going to discuss this at length."  
  
Buffy nodded. "I know....."  
  
As she headed to the living room, Spike began to follow. Giles grabbed him by the arm. Spike raised his eyebrows. Giles began, "Spike........" Unsure of what he wanted to say, and certain whatever he had in mind would only make things worse, Giles sighed and released Spike. Spike gave him a cold glare before he left the kitchen.  
  
**  
  
TBC 


	8. Luv, Love Me Do

The gang spent about an hour hanging around, dancing silly in the living room, snacking and drinking, having general Scooby fun. Spike was disappointed that Buffy kept him at arms length whenever Giles was near, and hoped it was only temporary. She gave him pleading looks when he would try to nuzzle or touch her intimately, and when he pouted it was all she could do not to nibble on that luscious bottom lip of his. But she had to talk with Giles. She wasn't going to flaunt this so soon after him finding out.  
  
After a few heartfelt toasts and congratulations, Willow surprised Anya and Xander with the entertainment for the evening, a showing of Runaway Bride. Once popcorn and libations had been distributed, Buffy discretely asked Giles to join her on the back porch. As she walked past Spike, he reached up and squeezed her hand briefly. She stopped and bent down to him. She gave him a kiss on the cheek and whispered, "Everything will be fine. I promise."  
  
He chuckled. "That's what I've been telling you, luv." He winked at her and she ruffled his hair as she followed Giles out to the porch.  
  
**  
  
She found Giles sitting on the steps, staring out into the darkness. After a few moments of tense silence, he asked, "How did this happen, Buffy?" He sounded very fatherly, but not upset.  
  
"I really don't know." She sat next to him. "We were just friends. He was helping me out of my...depression or whatever that was. We were hanging out. I could talk to him. We patrolled all the time. And then one day, I realized...there was more than just friendship there. And we got...closer. I don't know any other way to describe it, Giles." Giles nodded and they sat quietly together for a few minutes, both organizing their thoughts.  
  
"I'm sure I needn't remind you what he is." Giles took off his glasses, but set them aside instead of polishing them.  
  
"No, you 'needn't'. I know what he is. I know he's a vampire. He's Spike..."  
  
**  
  
Spike was getting bored with the movie. And bored without Buffy. It was late enough, sure to be some baddies about. He decided to momentarily interrupt what was bound to be an intense discussion so he could tell Buffy he was going out for a bit. Maybe being out of the area for a couple hours would de-tense the situation, if that was possible. He quietly left the living room, everyone too engrossed in poking fun at the movie and each other to notice his exit. He walked toward the backdoor, but stopped when he heard Buffy's voice through the open window... "He's Spike. He's a soulless killer, I know this, Giles. And I do remember what I told you. I could never love someone without a soul."  
  
Spike frowned and decided he'd heard enough. He left the kitchen and headed straight for the front door, slamming it on his way out. Tara was the only Scooby who noticed, but her attention was quickly drawn back to her girlfriend who was teasing Xander.  
  
Spike walked down the sidewalk trying to gather his thoughts. He knew she didn't love him. Not yet. He had always held out hope that someday she might. He was so certain that she was close. He could see something in her eyes when they made love. Something that implied she wanted to say more to him. Something more than "Oh Spike, you feel so good." "Baby, god, the way you touch me." "Don't ever stop, Spike." "I need you. Need you so much." Somewhere in her eyes he saw her love. At least the potential for it. Or so he had thought. Was it really just intense like? Deep caring? He'd told her once that he didn't expect anything from her. He'd lied. He knew it would scare her off back then, but he secretly hoped she would love him. If he proved himself to her, she could love him. What else could he do? His chip was defective and he wasn't hunting or hurting humans. He was the model boyfriend, attending every stupid Scooby event she dragged him to. He'd even been nice to Xander. Xander! Was it Giles? Had she really been close, but then pulled away by Giles? He doubted it, but even if it were true, what could he do about it? What more could he do, give, or be for her? What would it take for her to love him?  
  
**  
  
"...I could never love someone without a soul." Buffy paused a moment, then turned to Giles. She waited until he looked at her, then took a deep breath. "So why do I?"  
  
Giles hung his head and sighed. "You love him...Are you absolutely sure that what you're feeling is love and not...perhaps lust?"  
  
Buffy shook her head. "No, I mean, yeah. Lust is definitely present. But it goes deeper, what I feel for him."  
  
"Perhaps your feelings of lust are...changing the way you perceive your friendship with Spike. Or perhaps his assistance during your...low period..made you fixate on him in some manner of hero worship...that's possible..." Giles looked off in the distance, contemplating all the things that could make his Slayer go off the deep end.  
  
"Giles, it's not just friendship. It's not just lust. And it's certainly not some hero worship or any other psychobabble. I know love. I loved Angel. If I'm completely honest with myself, I only deeply liked Riley. And what I feel for Spike right now is closer to the Angel feeling than the Riley feeling. I don't feel for him the way I did Angel, but it's more than I had with Riley. And it has a lot of potential to go deeper."  
  
Giles shook his head and looked up at the stars. "So, what do you intend to do now?"  
  
Buffy shrugged. "I don't know. We're kind of just playing it by ear. The gang knows and they're dealing. My biggest worry was you. Giles, you're like my father. No, that's an insult. You're my father figure, and I need your approval. Well, if not your approval, your acceptance. And not even necessarily of Spike, but of me. Of my decisions to do this with my life right now. I can't honestly say where this will lead, if anywhere. But I'm so happy right now, Giles. I haven't been this happy since...well, it's been a long time."  
  
Giles stood up, polishing his glasses. "Well, Buffy, you know my opinion of this situation. I'm sorry, but I can't support your decision. But I will always love you and yes, even accept your right to make your own mistakes. And I do feel this is a mistake, Buffy. But, as you're an adult, there is precious little I can do about it. I would suggest we try to keep it as quiet as possible, seeing as the Council will no doubt frown upon giving money to a Slayer who has decided to...date a vampire."  
  
Buffy stood up and put her hand on his arm. "You're right. We'll be careful. And thank you, Giles. I knew you wouldn't turn your back on me. Even if you think I'm being monumentally stupid."  
  
Giles sighed and nodded. "Which, I do, by the way. In case there was any doubt..."  
  
Buffy smiled. "Got it. I just hope I can prove you wrong."  
  
Giles opened the door and let her enter in front of him. "As do I, dear."  
  
When Buffy entered the living room, she noticed immediately Spike was gone. "Where'd Spike go?" she asked to no one in particular.  
  
The gang looked around, realizing that he was, indeed, not present. Tara spoke up. "Um, he left a few minutes ago. He didn't say where he was going."  
  
Buffy frowned. "Oh, well...probably too much Scooby-ness for him. His loss. I'm sure he'll be back before too long." Buffy did her best to not worry about him and enjoy the party.  
  
**  
  
Spike patrolled for a couple of hours, mostly working on autopilot. He'd dust fledglings with no effort at all, barely noticing if it was a man or a woman he was staking. Didn't matter. Only one thing mattered: her. How to win her. He thought he had her, but he'd heard it from her own mouth tonight. He didn't have her and he never would. "I could never love someone without a soul." That was it. She was lost to him. No matter how good he acted, how many natural impulses he suppressed for her, that's all he would be to her. "A soulless killer." Didn't she realize how tempting it was to bite her when they were making love? How just kissing her neck made his demon scream for her blood? The pulse of it just a scant fangs- length away...  
  
No, she didn't realize. She didn't know what kind of sacrifice he was making for her. She thought it was so easy for him. And it *was* easy for him not to hunt other humans. But when she offered her neck to him...didn't she know that while she wanted his tender kisses, he wanted to drink her life? Since that first time he tasted her blood, before she tried to kill herself, he'd wanted more. Immediately after, he had been disgusted by it. Cleaning up the puddle in his crypt, he'd almost gagged at the sight and smell. Not because he didn't want to taste it, but because it meant that she had almost died again. But then when they were intimate...when she would lay against him on the couch, with her back to his front, her neck laid bare...god, he'd wanted to taste her again. To claim her as his. He always avoided kissing the spot where Angel had marked her. The spot burned him inside like holy water to his heart. He would never have her like Angel had. He might make love to her and fuck her and have her in more ways than he could count, but he'd never have what Angel had. He'd never have her love.  
  
And Spike finally decided to say out loud what had been torturing his thoughts all night. "She won't love me unless I have a soul. Can't get a soul, don't really want one anyway...so I'll never have her love." It was a simple equation, Spike reasoned. One that, no matter how many ways he figured it, always equaled Buffy's inability to love him.  
  
Spike sat on a headstone, shoulders slumped. "Well, it was a good run while it lasted. Never even thought the Slayer would give me the time of day. Love...that was a pipe dream from the beginning. So I'll just...give up? Give up on Buffy? I can't do that. She's my everything. And I don't give up on anything that's important to me. Even if there's no conceivable way, I'll find a way. It's what I do. I don't just sit back and take defeat. If I'm gonna lose her, it's gonna be on my terms. If there's any possible way of winning her heart, I'll do it." Spike heard a noise from behind him and whirled around. "And if anyone's listening to me talking to myself, I'm going to have to rip out their heart."  
  
From behind a tree, a flabby-skinned hand poked out and waved. "Uh, Spike? It's Clem. I didn't really hear everything you said, so please don't rip out my heart."  
  
Spike frowned. "Clem? What're you doing here?"  
  
Clem slowly walked out from behind the tree, hands up in an appeasing manner. "Um, well, I was hoping I could hang out at your place. There's a movie on that I wanted to watch, and I don't get the channel that it's on."  
  
Spike frowned again, looking around and noticing he was near his own crypt. "Blimey. Uh, yeah, sure. You know you're always welcome to the telly."  
  
"Well, I thought I'd be more cautious, seeing as last time I just let myself in, well..."  
  
Spike smiled. "Oh, uh, right. Buffy wanted me to tell you she's sorry for throwing the axe at your head."  
  
Clem shrugged. "No biggie. Just with the screaming and yelling...I thought maybe you could use a hand with whatever you were fighting. Little did I know..." Spike chuckled. "And by the way, no offense, she's a real nice girl I'm sure, but...her skin really is that tight all over?" Spike raised an eyebrow. "I'm just sayin'...you humanoids have some strange tastes."  
  
"*I* have strange tastes? *You* like eating kittens..." Spike started walking towards his crypt with Clem in tow.  
  
"Yeah, but still...I saw her stomach..blech...all taut and smooth..."  
  
"Why don't we just stop talking about what my girlfriend looks like naked, ok?" Spike sighed. "Girlfriend...yeah right..." He stopped in mid stride and shook his head. "What am I going to do?"  
  
Clem sighed and then put his hand on Spike's shoulder. "Um, while I was busy *not* listening to you talk to yourself, I might have caught a few words here or there." Spike looked at him, curious. "Well, see, thing is...the thing...about your soul? I *might* have some information that could help you. It's an old legend and a real long shot, but...maybe....."  
  
Spike started to smile a bit. He slapped Clem on the back. "Mate, long shots are my specialty. And frankly, I got nothing else right now. Lay it on me..."  
  
**  
  
TBC 


	9. Miss You Like Crazy

It was a little after 1 am when everyone decided to go home. Giles had long since went to bed, complaining of jet lag and not being as young as he used to be. As Buffy closed the door on the last of her departing friends, she wondered for the millionth time that night about Spike's whereabouts. He'd probably just gone out to patrol, she reasoned. But he should have been back hours ago. If he was just hiding out to avoid being with her friends, she was going to give him hell for it. Only one way to find out. She went to the living room and slipped on her shoes. She grabbed her coat as she opened the door. She jumped back in momentary horror at what was waiting for her on her steps.   
  
"Hi. Um, we kind of met the other day. You threw an axe at my head?" The floppy-skinned demon smiled.  
  
"Uh…..Clem, right?" Buffy looked puzzled.  
  
Clem nodded vigorously, which was a rather unappealing sight to Buffy. "Yup, you got it in one!"  
  
Buffy smiled vaguely. "Uh, right. Um, is there something I can do for you?"  
  
Clem's face turned serious. "It's Spike."  
  
Buffy went wide eyed. "Spike? What's wrong. Oh God, I knew he'd been gone to long. What happened, is he ok?"  
  
Clem held up his hand. "No no, he's fine. Nothing to worry about. He, uh, he had to leave town on short notice. He asked me to bring Summer by to see if you'd watch her." He held up a duffel bag with Summer poking out the opening. "I'd watch her, but…..I have a gambling problem. And well, Oprah says it's always important to be honest with yourself…..Summer looks really yummy. And I know Spike would kill me good and slow if anything happened to her. So, probably best if you watch her. Oh, he asked me to give this to you too." Clem handed her a note, then the duffel bag. "There's a food and water dish in there, as well as some of he toys she likes."  
  
Buffy looked puzzled. "Uh, ok. Thanks….." As Clem left, she closed the door, setting the bag down on the floor. Summer jumped out and proceeded to make herself comfortable on the couch.   
  
Buffy opened the note.  
  
--Buffy,  
  
So sorry to leave so suddenly, but there is some business I need to attend to. I hope you don't mind watching Summer, she shouldn't be too much trouble. Whatever you do, don't leave her with Clem. (By the way, he doesn't know anything, so don't grill the poor bastard) I promise that I'll be back as soon as possible, I don't think I can go too long without my Buffy-lovin'. I would have said goodbye in person, but things just didn't work out that way. Don't be too mad at me, I'm bringing you back a present(yes, more than just my hot, tight little body!) I'll call you whenever I can, but I don't expect to be gone too long. I love you more than you can fathom. More than the sun loves the day. Please never forget that.   
  
--Spike  
  
Buffy frowned in confusion. Why did Spike need to leave so suddenly? How could he leave her? More importantly, when would he be back? Buffy suddenly felt very tired. She left out some food and water for Summer and, after locking up, trudged up the stairs absently thinking that she should get Summer a litter box tomorrow.  
  
**  
  
Buffy woke to yelling. "Out! OUT! Shoooo! Go on, now!" She threw on her robe and ran downstairs to find Giles wielding a broom.  
  
"Giles, what's wrong?" Buffy looked around in panic.  
  
"Vermin! You have vermin running around in this house." Giles gestured toward the living room.  
  
Buffy laughed when she saw what Giles was indicating. Summer was perched on top of the couch, coolly licking her paws. "Uh, take it easy, Giles. It's just a cat."  
  
"Just a cat? Why is there just a cat in this house? I'm certain you didn't own a cat when I went to bed."  
  
"No, it's Spike's cat. He asked me to watch it for a while." Buffy's face clouded.  
  
"Spike has a cat?" Giles frowned.  
  
Buffy nodded. "Yup. Her name is Summer."  
  
"Hmm…..and why isn't he capable of taking care of his own creatures?"  
  
Buffy shrugged. "He had to…..go away for a little while. I don't really know. He just wrote me a note and had one of his friends bring her by. Not sure where he went or how long he'll be gone."  
  
Giles noted Buffy's mood. "Yes, well…..perhaps we should invest in some type of waste management system?" He pointed at a spot in the carpet.  
  
"Oh, yeah. I'll go by Spike's crypt and grab her litter box. I'll clean that up."  
  
**  
  
Buffy spent the rest of the day absently playing with Summer and waiting for the phone to ring. She chewed out two telemarketers and almost hung up on a Council member when she realized the British accent on the other line was not Spike's. As Giles got the final details on the financial transactions, Buffy paced back and forth. She was more nervous that Spike might be trying to call than she was about being financially sound. It was daytime, so he was probably holed up somewhere. Maybe there was a phone. Or maybe his trip was so short, he would be home again tonight. Buffy doubted that, but she didn't see a reason not to hope.  
  
**  
  
The night passed with no sign of Spike. The next night as well. Then a week passed. Buffy was worried, which affected her Slayer effectiveness. This worried her friends and Watcher. Buffy swore she was fine, but everyone could tell she was distracted. Giles silently cursed Spike for leaving, but more for having this kind of effect on Buffy.   
  
At the end of the first week, Spike finally called.   
  
"Spike?!" Buffy squealed.   
  
"Yeah, luv, it's me."  
  
"Where are you? When are you coming back? What the hell is going on???"  
  
Spike chuckled on the other line. "All in good time, pet. You miss me?"  
  
"Yes, of course. Spike, won't you at least tell me where you are?"  
  
"I'm about a week away from Sunnydale," Spike chuckled again.  
  
"I don't see what's so funny. Here I am alone, missing you, and you're just laughing it up!"  
  
"Hardly, luv. So, tell me, how do you miss me? What do you miss most?"  
  
Buffy sighed. "I'm not playing this game with you. I'm really worried."  
  
"You can hear that I'm fine, right? No need to worry. Don't want my girl worrying about anything."  
  
"Well, I'm not going to stop worrying until I have you here in my arms."  
  
"And what will you do with me once you have me?"  
  
"Spike, I mean it. Get back here to me. This isn't funny."  
  
"Ok, pet. I'm sorry that I've upset you. But I have to go now, ok?"  
  
"What?! No! You just called!"  
  
"I know, but I've got things to do, luv. Faster I get them done, the faster I'm back in your arms. I really just wanted to check in with you. Don't have a lot of time to talk. Now come on, indulge me. What part do you miss most?"  
  
Buffy whispered. "Fine……I miss……everything. I miss your hands and your arms and your chest and your lips and your tongue and your bitable ears and your sexy hair when you wake up and your adam's apple when it bobs up and down when you're excited and your killer ass and your……you know……"  
  
"Hmm…..'fraid I don't, luv. What else is there? My knees? Or maybe it's my cheekbones. Always thought I had striking cheekbones……"  
  
Buffy sighed. "Spike……fine, it rhymes with 'rock'"  
  
"Rock……lock? Frock? Sock? You miss my socks, luv?"  
  
"Enough, you know what I mean and I'm not saying it because you don't deserve to hear it! You left me without it, so I'm not giving you anything….."  
  
"Alright, luv. Fair enough. I'll be calling again when I can, ok? I love you, pet."  
  
"Spike, I…..have something I want to tell you when you get back. So…..make it fast, ok? I miss you so much."  
  
"Me too. I'll be back as quick as I can. Goodbye, Buffy."  
  
Buffy started to cry a little. "Bye, Spike."  
  
"Now, pet. Don't cry. I can't take it when you cry. I promise I'll be back as soon as vampiricly possible, ok? And I'll make up for all the lost time, you have my word."  
  
"Ok…..be careful."  
  
"Always, luv. Bye."  
  
"Bye….."  
  
Buffy hung up the phone wondering that if she had told him she loved him, would that have made him come home sooner?  
  
**  
  
TBC 


	10. Call On Me

Buffy waited patiently for Spike's next call. Patiently for about a day. As another week passed with no word from him, her friends were getting worried about her. Though she tried to seem interested in their conversations and stories, they all knew where her mind was. They tried to remind her that it had taken Spike two weeks to get wherever he was at when he called her, so it would be at least another two weeks before he would return. This seemed to calm her a little. But not much.  
  
Buffy knew her friends were concerned, but she couldn't shake her fear over Spike's well being. And just the utter confusion of the situation. His call hadn't given her any more answers than that he was safe at that moment. But if he had been hurt or killed the next moment, how would she ever know? It's not like he walked around wearing a sign that said "Property of Buffy Summers. If found, return to 1630 Revello Drive Sunnydale, CA." But she was seriously thinking about investing in just such a sign when she saw that platinum vamp again. If she saw him again. She tried to force herself to not think negatively, but there were so many questions swirling around. And her friends didn't make it much better, looking at her sadly one moment while trying to pick her up the next.  
  
Buffy realized her friends were worried that she would get depressed like after she came back. But this was very different. She had no thought of harming herself. She wasn't even really depressed. Just concerned. Concerned to the point that it affected every single thing she did or said. But she knew Spike would come back to her, so she decided to stop moping around the house and freaking out every time the phone rang and just enjoy some time with her friends. She knew that Spike preferred time away from the Scoobies, and she was determined not to let her new romance with him interfere with her longstanding friendships.  
  
At some point, Buffy couldn't exactly pinpoint it, she realized that her friends were having their own problems. She saw that maybe they should actually be focusing on their own lives instead of living around hers. She made an effort to notice her friends more than worrying about Spike. An effort that failed more than it succeeded, but she still managed a little more Scooby focus and a little less Spike obsession. That mostly came at night, when she patrolled and when she went to bed alone. But her friends had been with her for years, and she wasn't going to let them down. Obsessing over their lives might distract her from the fact that it had now been a month since Spike had left. Two weeks since his phone call. But she pushed that out of her mind for a while, convincing herself that he would be back in a matter of days, and he'd better have a really good surprise for her.  
  
Unfortunately, Buffy's newfound focus on her friends made her notice things she would have rather not. Xander's occasional freaked-out face when Anya pulled out the wedding books. Anya's complete oblivion to this. Tara's disappointed scowls toward Willow when she talked about doing spells. Willow's reproached look after a Tara scowl. And Giles. Giles noticed it all and his poor glasses had probably suffered the brunt of his concern. He had found a furnished apartment, but agreed to stay with Buffy until Spike returned, unsure of what her reaction would be if he didn't come back soon.  
  
But Buffy's best intentions about not letting Spike's leaving get to her were mostly in vain. She became so distracted that two months into his absence she'd gotten injured on patrol 3 times in one week. Her friends decided that it was intervention time again. As they all arrived somber- faced at her house, Buffy knew what was coming. She didn't try to stop them, instead she just sat down to let the barrage come. Before Willow could start her practiced speech, the phone rang. Buffy thought about letting it ring, but ever since Spike had left, that wasn't an option. They all knew it and Buffy mumbled an apology as she went to the kitchen to answer the phone. 'Let them all rehearse again,' she thought.  
  
She sighed as she picked up the phone. "Hello," she said tiredly. No answer. "Hello?" she said, slightly louder.  
  
She heard what she thought was humming on the other end of the line. Then, as she was about to hang up on whoever had the time and energy to prank her, she heard quietly, "Buffy? Buffy. Will you come? I need you. *We* need you. Him too. The other. He wails for you, poor fellow. And I thought *I* was the.......hmmm......Will you come? I, we, understand now. He explained it all. How you wanted it to be him. Now he wants it to be you."  
  
"Spike?" Buffy's voice quivered.  
  
"Spike," he said the name with disgust. "Yes, he's here. Will you come? Put the poor bastard, oh dear, do pardon my language. Shouldn't speak to a lady so. Do you forgive me, Buffy?"  
  
Buffy remained silent for a moment, unsure of what to say and not completely certain she was talking to her Spike. "Yes," she finally said quietly.  
  
"Good. Couldn't depart with that on my conscience. It just won't do to treat a woman such as you with disrespect. Mother taught me better. Father taught me better. Can't be blinded if I never could see, right? At least I think......"  
  
"Depart? Where are you? You already left, aren't you coming back to me?"  
  
He cleared his throat. "Well, we were hoping that you might join us here. He insists it be you. I fully concur. If you decline our request......we'll just have to do it ourselves. A rather unsavory prospect, but our only remaining option should you turn us down. Pain is pain. One pain as good as the next. Don't do well with pain, like chickens on the block-never did have enough sense."  
  
Buffy frowned and close her eyes tight. "Spike, where are you?"  
  
He gave a disgusted sigh. "*We* are in a rather shabby little inn. The walls crawl at times, but we know what it wants. It's what they all want. They want......oh god, no......no, no, no.....you can't......we were doing fine.....don't!" He let out a fierce growl and then there was silence for a long moment.  
  
"Spike? Spike! Are you there? Tell me where you are!" Buffy was frantic, twisting the phone cord into knots. By now her friends heard her pleas and joined her in the kitchen, watching the emotions play on her face.  
  
Then slowly, quietly, barely a whisper, "Buffy.......Buffy luv? Can you help? Can't take this. Please help.....so sorry.......I know sorry now.......please come......"  
  
"Spike! Where are you? Tell me exactly where you are, I'm coming, ok?"  
  
A sigh. "I knew you would. Told the ponce you would. I'm here, Buffy. Right here."  
  
Buffy took a deep breath. "Ok, Spike, you have to tell me what motel you're at. What city? What state, for that matter."  
  
"Hmmm.....how do I......can't figure it......"  
  
"Ok, look at a table or a nightstand. Any papers there? Read what they say."  
  
After a bit of grunting and rustling, he said, "Oh, this says Modesto Best Inn. I don't think it's the best, but I don't really remember picking."  
  
"Modesto. California. What room number?"  
  
"Um, don't know."  
  
Buffy sighed. "Ok, open the door and tell me what the outside says."  
  
"No! Can't do that. Not opening the door for anyone but you. I.....well, *he* is scared of them. Doesn't want them to find us."  
  
Buffy shook her head, knowing it was no use to discuss whatever this was over the phone. "Ok, did you ride your motorcycle there? Is it out front?"  
  
"Wait." After a bit of thumping around, he came back on the line. "Yeah, still out there. You fancy it, pet? You can have it.....after. If you want. Not sure a little girl like you could handle it, but if any bint can, it's probably you."  
  
"Ok, Spike. Stay where you are. I'll be there in a couple of hours. Are you going to be ok?"  
  
"We'll manage. Just......hurry, ok? Don't like this. Too much junk in my head."  
  
"I'll be there as fast as I can, I promise. Spike, I..."  
  
"I love you, Buffy," he said quickly before hanging up.  
  
Buffy stared at the receiver for a long moment before coming out of it. She slammed down the hook with her hand and then let it up. She dialed information, trying to find the Modesto Best Inn.  
  
Meanwhile, her friends just stood watching, wondering what had just happened. As if sensing their question, Buffy said, "It's Spike. I think he's in trouble. I'm going to get him. He's close." Before anyone could ask more, she was talking to someone on the other line and scribbling something on a notepad.  
  
As she hung up the phone, Giles asked cautiously, "Would you like one of us to join you?"  
  
Buffy shook her head. "I don't know what's going on, but I think it's best if I go alone."  
  
Willow frowned. "But Buff, you don't even have a license."  
  
Buffy grabbed her coat and keys and shouted over her shoulder on her way out the door, "I have a car, that's all I need right now." 'That, and Spike,' she thought.  
  
Her friends were left wondering what Buffy was heading into, and sincerely hoping that Spike was worth it.  
  
**  
  
TBC 


	11. Soul Survivor

It didn't take Buffy as long as she feared to reach the motel. Traffic was light at 10pm on a Wednesday night. As much as she was speeding, she was surprised she didn't get pulled over. That wouldn't have been of the good. She didn't have a license and they certainly wouldn't just let her go. She'd have to beat up a cop...all in all, not a pretty prospect. Because nothing was keeping her from finding Spike. There was something seriously wrong with him, and all the possible scenarios that played in her head boiled down to one fact; he needed her. She wasn't going to let him down.  
  
When she rolled into the parking lot, it didn't take her long to spot his bike. She found herself a little scared approaching the door. She sincerely hoped that the bad luck that came with loving vampires wasn't rearing its ugly head again. She knocked softly on the door. When she got no answer, she knocked louder. "Spike? You in there?"  
  
She heard a click, then the door opened a crack. Buffy opened the door slowly to find Spike resuming his seat on the bed, his head in his hands. She took a quick look around the room before entering and closing the door behind her.  
  
"Spike," she said cautiously. "What's going on?"  
  
He shook his head. "Mistake. I think it was a mistake. I thought you would love me, but now...no one could love me. Evil...'s all I am."  
  
Buffy knelt in front of him and pulled gently on his hands. He looked up at her, tears in his eyes. "Spike, what's this all about? What happened?"  
  
Spike gave a rueful chuckle. "You. You're what happened. Never would have done this before. All for you. For your love. Wanted it more than blood, I did. Never can have it. Don't deserve it."  
  
Buffy reached up and caressed his sharp cheekbone with her thumb, catching a tear as it fell. "Spike...I *do* love you. I realized that not long before you left, but I was scared. Scared to tell you, scared to admit it to myself. But I'm not scared anymore. I love you."  
  
Spike drew back from her touch and groaned. "Owwww..I thought...dammit. Thought I called her. I know this dream. We can cut to the shagging, but I'd rather just wake up and call her for real. She'll come, I hope..."  
  
Buffy frowned and sat next to him on the bed. She took his hand. "Spike, look at me." He turned a bit toward her, but wouldn't meet her gaze. She put a finger under his chin and lifted his face. He still averted his eyes. "Spike, this isn't a dream. You did call me. I'm really here. And I do love you." He finally looked at her, a new wave of tears in his too blue eyes. She couldn't help but get misty herself, seeing his mixed look of confusion and love.  
  
Spike grabbed her for a tight hug. "Oh, Buffy. Oh, God. Do you mean it? Really?"  
  
Buffy pulled back from his embrace just a little. "Yes, I mean it. I love you."  
  
Spike frowned. "But, how did you know? Who told? Him? The wanker? No, he didn't tell." He moved his arms to her shoulders and shook her harshly. "Who told you? Them? Did they tell you? How do you know?"  
  
Buffy pushed him off, scooting away. "What? Who told me what about what?"  
  
"What else? My soul? The reason you love me now. The only possible way you could."  
  
Buffy was dumbfounded. "Your soul? What? You don't mean..." She reached out a hand to his face, but he just slid back further on the bed to avoid her touch. "Spike? You have a...soul now?"  
  
Spike scowled. "Well, yeah, you silly bint. You know I do."  
  
Buffy could only stare at a spot on the bed for a moment before speaking. Her mind was racing too fast. She shook her head before asking, "How would I know about...this? And...when? Is this why you left? Where did you go?"  
  
Spike shook his head at the questions and got off the bed. He started pacing. "Of course you knew. You love me now. Because I have a soul. Don't see how you can though...'m just no good..."  
  
Buffy stood up and grabbed him. "Spike, you have to just stop for a second. You have to tell me everything that happened. I'm completely in the dark, ok? Now I love you. I didn't know about your soul until one minute ago. So one doesn't have anything to do with the other."  
  
Spike straightened up and gave her a curious look. "Not possible. I heard you...killer's what I am. You were right. Can't love an evil soulless thing like me."  
  
Buffy frowned. "You heard me?" She wracked her brain two months back. "Oh...with Giles. You heard me talking to Giles?" Spike nodded. Something in the back of Buffy's mind was clicking together. "So you heard that and decided to, what..go get a soul?" It came out more incredulously than she meant it, but Spike just nodded to this too. "Ok, so...how...how did you get it."  
  
Spike shook his head. "Doesn't matter now. Nothing matters, except you. You're here now. I need you, luv. Please...kill me."  
  
Buffy took a step back. At almost the same time that she realized she was enraged, she had punched him so hard that he flew back onto the bed. He just stared at her for a moment dumbfounded. Then a pained look came on his face and he curled into a tight ball, groaning. "NO! You wanker...go away. I can do it..no.."  
  
Buffy stood watching him in amazement. She wanted to go to him, but something kept her back. Fear. She was afraid of him. Not him, but what was happening to him. After a moment of groaning, he started breathing heavily. He looked slightly less volatile. Buffy finally decided to try and comfort him. She sat beside him, still curled into himself. She started caressing his head, smoothing down the wild curls. He whimpered a bit and looked up at her. He smiled, then a panicked look hit his face. He jumped up from the bed and backed away until he fell into a chair.  
  
"Sorry, so sorry. Not proper, simply not proper. Good heavens, what would Mother think, finding me in a place like this, sitting on a bed with a lady. It's his fault, but I doubt anyone would believe me. It's quite a compromising position to be in, and I'd hate to sully your name. You know how rumors can start and spread. Vicious lies, all." He shook his head.  
  
Buffy frowned. "Spike?"  
  
He stiffened and scoffed. "Yes, quite the vulgarian name, is it not? He certainly knows how to make a reputation..."  
  
Something struck Buffy and she took a shot. "William?"  
  
His face lit up at the word. He smiled and gave her a shy nod. "He was quite accurate. You *are* an amazing woman. We've never been properly introduced, but still you knew me. I see why he fights for you so. Too bad the poor fellow's got himself in something of a tight spot here."  
  
Buffy shook her head, resigning herself to talking to 'William' and trying to figure out what went on. "What kind of tight spot?"  
  
William nodded and crossed his legs at the knee, leaning forward conspiratorially. "Well, it seems that your dear Spike has, shall we say, seen the error of his ways. 'Ways' meaning a century of atrocious behavior the likes of which I can't even imagine. Unfortunately, a memory sneaks in here and there, and I can tell you in no uncertain terms that it would not be fit to describe in front of a lady such as yourself." He stopped and seemed to be thinking about something. His face soured and he shook it away. "Anyway, the reason we called you here...as he told you, we would like you to...um, how can I put this delicately...show us mercy, perhaps? I can attest that the small amounts of his memories that I am privy to are quite enough to drive any sane man mad. I can't even imagine what he..The fact of the matter is, we're requesting that you, put us out of our misery, as it were. And I can tell you honestly, it *is* misery. More for him, I can assure you."  
  
Buffy stood up. "I'm not killing him. Or you...or either one of you. Look, obviously something has happened here that has...split him, or you, or whatever. I'm not going to kill anyone tonight. I want to help...you guys, if I can."  
  
William leaned back in his chair. "Oh dear...this only leaves us with the other option. I'm rather...well, I'm not one that is prone to violence or death or destruction...any of that unsavory business. But he is. As much as I hate relinquishing control to him, I'm afraid he's the only one with the wherewithal to do this."  
  
Buffy shook her head. "And I'm not letting that happen either. Spike...*you* are coming home with me."  
  
William shook his head and stood up. "I'm afraid that's not an option. You must understand, you'd be doing us a great disservice to let us carry on this way. He...he hasn't known real guilt in more than a hundred years. Plenty of time to do far more damage than one conscience could reasonably hold without losing a grip on reality. As you have already assessed, his mind has split, allowing me to be talking to you. I'm afraid that this would be the mildest of his consequences. No one could possibly carry on with this amount of blood on their hands."  
  
Buffy chuckled darkly. "I know someone in LA who would disagree with you."  
  
"Regardless..."  
  
"No."  
  
William hung his head and buried his face in his hands. He never saw the nightstand hit him.  
  
As Buffy carried him slung over her shoulder to her car, she gave a glance at his bike. She decided there were more important things than worrying about his precious motorcycle. Like worrying about his precious sanity. As she sped towards Sunnydale, Buffy shook her head. Spike had sought out a soul for her. To win the love that he didn't know he already had. As undeniably thrilled she was that he would do such a thing, she couldn't help but wonder if her hesitance to say 3 little words had cost him his mind.  
  
**  
  
TBC 


	12. Home Sweet Home

Being a vampire, a little knock on the head by a nightstand wasn't about to keep Spike out for long. Buffy's only question was who would she be talking with when he woke up. As she drove, she found herself watching him about as much as she watched the road. She noticed how gaunt he looked. His normally tight black t-shirt was baggy. She chastised herself for not bringing blood for him. But Spike wasn't the only one not in their right mind at the time of the call. He also looked paler, if that were possible. His hair had grown out a bit, some of his darker roots showing. It was wild and curlier than she was used to. By the look of him, he hadn't spent much of his time away on upkeep. That didn't matter to Buffy, but it just raised more questions. Where had he been? What did he go through? Would he ever be the same?  
  
About an hour into the drive, Spike did come to. He jerked awake like someone had poured cold water on him. He looked around frantically for a moment while Buffy tried to soothe him with soft words and caresses on his arm. He looked at her hand on his arm with wide eyes, then looked at her. For a moment there was no recognition, but that quickly passed. He seemed to calm down a bit. He sat back in the seat mutely. After a few long minutes, he half whispered, "Where are we going?"  
  
"Home," Buffy responded softly.  
  
Spike frowned, though didn't look at her. "Why didn't you.....ya know....."  
  
Buffy clenched her jaw and pulled the car to the shoulder. Her hand tightened on the gear shift as she put it in park. She took a deep breath before turning to him. He half turned to look at her. "Look, this is the one and only time I want to have this conversation with you. I will not kill you. You've obviously been through something very traumatic and I'm going to do everything in my power to help you. But I won't do that. You wouldn't kill me as much as I wanted it, and I'm going to tell you the same thing you told me: You're a coward. Things are going on here that you are too scared to deal with. That are too much to deal with. You think I don't know at least a little of that feeling? But, Spike, you were there for me. You got me through it. I'm going to do the same for you. I understand now the anger you felt toward me for suggesting you take my life. I'm so mad at you that I *could* kill you if I didn't want to not kill you." At this, Spike raised a confused eyebrow. Buffy shook her head. "Ok, whatever, that's not my point. My point is," her voice softened and she put her hand on his, "together we are strong enough to get through this, ok? And knowing you as well as I do, I'm really surprised that there is anything in this world that you would back down from. Especially if it meant leaving me alone."  
  
Spike hung his head and said quietly, "You don't really know me. You can't. I didn't even know myself until......this happened."  
  
Buffy took his face in her hands and made him meet her gaze. "You know what? I believe that. And I want to know you. I want to know the things you've discovered about yourself."  
  
Spike's eyes got wide and he jerked away from her. "God, Buffy, you really don't. I don't even want to know these things.....things I knew all along, but just didn't care about. I won't do that to you, Buffy. I love you too much to make you go through this hell with me. It's why I wanted you to kill me. Why I *still* want you to kill me. Please, Buffy, you don't understand--" A finger on his lips cut him off.  
  
Buffy looked at him, trying to hide the rage she felt rising again. "See my previous rant, Spike. Not going to happen, and that's the last time I'm going to tell you."  
  
Spike sunk back in the seat and turned from her, looking like a chastised child.  
  
"And Spike? I'm not going to let you hurt yourself either. Even if I have to tie you up. Which, hey, kind of appealing." She looked at him for a reaction, but he wasn't amused. Buffy wondered if she would ever see him smile again.  
  
They drove the rest of the way in relative silence. There was so much Buffy wanted to say to him, but she knew it was best to wait. Wait until they were home. Wait until he had some blood in him. Wait until they both had some rest. Buffy could wait. She had waited 2 months to see him, she could wait a few hours to find out what kept him.  
  
Spike seemed to be off in his mind somewhere. Every now and then he would shake his head and mumble something to himself. Once, Buffy saw a single tear falling down his sallow cheek. Spike saw she noticed and he quickly turned in his seat away from her. He laid the seat back as far as it would go and curled up in a ball, his back to Buffy. Occasionally he groaned, and Buffy would put her hand on his back, trying to give whatever comfort he would allow. He didn't pull away from her, but he didn't open up for more.  
  
When they arrived at the house, Spike got out of the car wordlessly. He walked up to the porch and waited for Buffy to unlock the door. As she was doing just that, he got a strange look on his face and looked up at the night sky. "How many hours til dawn, you figure? One? Maybe two? I can usually sense it. Haven't been quite myself lately, though."  
  
Buffy shook her head. "Oh, no you don't. I can see I *will* have to restrain you today." Spike frowned. She held the door open. "Come on." He grudgingly walked in.  
  
"You want something to eat? I think you might have some blood left in the freezer. Not sure if it goes bad after 2 months. That being the 2 months that you were gone. From me. 2 *whole* months and I got one call from you the entire time."  
  
Spike nodded. "Sorry 'bout that, luv."  
  
Buffy laughed, but it was a sound without humor. "You're sorry for leaving me for two months, but not sorry for wanting to leave me for good? That's insane troll logic, or something."  
  
Spike sighed and shrugged. "Sorry for a lot of things....."  
  
Buffy walked to him, putting her hand on his face. "I know, Spike. I know you are. And we're going to work through this. Trust me, if I can whip Angel into shape, you should be a piece of cake!" She joked, trying to get a little smile out of him. He just frowned.  
  
"Do *not* compare me to Peaches."  
  
"Why not? You're both vampires with souls....."  
  
"Yeah, but unlike him, I went and got mine. Didn't have to get cursed with it....."  
  
"Right. You got it for me. The same me you don't have a problem with leaving."  
  
Spike sighed again and walked to the living room. Buffy followed. As he plopped down on the couch, he started groaning. Buffy was bracing herself for a visit from William, but Spike just leaned back and ran his hands through his hair. "Luv, you actually believe I would leave you alone if there were any other option? I'm not a soddin' coward. I just.....I'm goin' crazy here, pet. I won't put you through that. At least not any more than I already have. I should have just done it myself. But I had to see you one last time. Then I thought maybe you could do it......it was stupid. I shouldn't have asked you. I'm not too scared to do it myself, I'm really not."  
  
"So you think I'm some weak woman who can't handle a little adversity? Hi, faced more apocolypes than I thought possible. Also, there is that little detail of being in heaven and yanked back to my grave, from which I had to crawl out. Then facing dibilitating, suicidal depression that was only remedied by the love of a vampire. So yeah, I know a thing or two about hard times. And like I said, if Angel can overcome the evil that he did and find sanity on the other side, I have complete faith in you, Spike. I mean, Angelus......pretty much as bad as it gets. So I'm going to keep you safe, from yourself if need be, and we'll get through this. And when it's all said and done, I'll have my very own broody vampire to keep me room temperature at night."  
  
"I do not brood! I just......got a lot on my mind right now."  
  
"I know. And that's what I'm here for. What? I'm good enough to have sex with, but when it really comes down to tough situations, the trust is gone?"  
  
Spike's eyes got wide. "What? No! Of course not. Luv, I trust you with everything I have, I just......I'm a little.....afraid. That I *won't* get through this with my sanity. Then you'll feel obliged to take care of some raving lunatic vampire. Or maybe I *do* get through this intact, but by then you won't want anything to do with me because of......everything. Not sure which is worse. And of course, the myriad of possibilities between those two options."  
  
"Yeah, like the most probable one: You make it through ok, maybe a little worse for the wear, and I love you even more than before because I can see all your strength and determination. I'll see that you faced your worst fears to be with me. I'll see that when you've said you'd do anything for me, you meant it. Spike, if you can't do this for yourself, do it for me."  
  
Spike slumped over, his head on his knees. "Dirty trick."  
  
"I know. I'm a dirty girl." Spike raised his head and an eyebrow to that, the small beginnings of a grin on his face.  
  
Buffy blustered, "I, uh, I didn't mean *that.* I mean, as in dirty tricks....I'm a dirty trick girl....oh wait, that sounds even worse......" This made Spike give a full fledged grin. Buffy felt her heart skip a beat. It had been so long since she had seen Spike smile at her. Even better, a little cocky grin. This was her Spike, but she wasn't sure how long she'd have him.  
  
**  
  
TBC R&R please! 


	13. Ball & Chain

Ok, just a little note of defense for my mate, Cellar Dweller, who got banned for posting the little note about hazel meaning brown. Rules are rules, no problem there. But someone seemed to take great offense at him trying to be helpful and got a bit nasty. This 'Jaded' did not take the post in the spirit it was meant and also simply got her facts wrong. My hubby was merely pointing out that this is a common mistake people make, saying that Buffy has hazel eyes when in fact her eyes are green. People even have said Spike has hazel eyes, and of course he has blue eyes. He had to learn colors in art school and also the dictionary backs him up that it means brown. 'Jaded' got a bit huffy stating that it means both brown and green, with no basis for her claim. Neither Cellar Dweller nor I have a problem admitting if we're wrong, but so far we've had no evidence to the contrary. I, personally, didn't know what hazel meant until he told me, so even I was surprised. Anyway, enough on that, if anyone cares to disagree, feel free to mail either one of us arco.art@verizon.net Now onto m' story:  
  
**  
  
Spike looked up at the clock on the wall. "Maybe you should get to bed, luv. Been a long night."  
  
Buffy nodded. "You want something to eat before we sleep?"  
  
Spike shook his head. "No, I'm fine. And not really tired, myself. Maybe I'll just stay down here and watch the telly."  
  
Buffy frowned. "You're not coming to bed with me?......Oh.....well, I'm not tired either. I'll watch tv with you."  
  
Spike gave her a half smile. "Buffy, I'm not going to do anything."  
  
"Promise?"  
  
Spike thought for a moment. "I can promise you that right now I won't do anything. Sorry that I can't give you more than that. Seems I'm not always in control....."  
  
"Maybe all the reason to come to bed. I can keep an eye on you, sorta, while I sleep......"  
  
Spike shook his head again. "Seems when I wake up, it's not usually.....me. At least I never remember waking up....."  
  
"It's ok, Spike. William.....he seems like a nice guy." Buffy gave him a big grin before saying, "Wouldn't mind waking up with him. Rather have you, of course, but he seems......sweet."  
  
"Yeah, gives me a toothache listening to him prattle on about......stuff."  
  
"Look, the point is, I'm not leaving you alone, and I actually do happen to be very tired. So we have two options here. I can make a pot of coffee and stay up watching the morning news with you, or we can go to bed and deal with whatever happens when we wake up then, with clearer heads."  
  
"Yeah, *you* might have a clearer head......"  
  
Spike grumbled a bit more, but followed Buffy to her room. He'd have to be crazy, or rather crazier, to turn down an invitation to her bed. As she pulled out some chains from under the bed, his mouth hung open a bit. "Uh, luv, not really up for bondage games.....should probably rest, ya know......And why in the hell do you have chains under your bed and how come I never knew it?"  
  
Buffy giggled. "It was a surprise for when you got back. I was going to chain you up so you could never leave me again." She shrugged, saying, "Guess it's what I'm doing now, but not really in the same context. Come here," she commanded.  
  
Spike shook his head slightly before slipping off his shoes. He climbed onto her bed and laid down. "How do you, uh, want me?"  
  
Buffy threaded the chains through the headboard frame. "Look, I know these can't hold you if you really want to go, but I'm hoping I'll at least wake up if you're trying to get away." She took each hand and placed a manacle on it, locking it with a small key.  
  
"Pet, if I'm in any way in control of myself, it won't be an issue, ok? You've damned well guilt tripped me into facing this thing head on."  
  
Buffy smiled. "Good!" She leaned over to give him a kiss, but he pulled away as her lips met his. She pulled back from him, a confused look on her face.  
  
"Look, pet, I, uh......it's been a while and I really can't.....I don't know, I just get really confused sometimes. Always dreamin' about you.....it's.....confusing. I think maybe.....maybe I need some adjusting time. Just a little. To get used to being around the real you....cuz sometimes in my dreams, things aren't always very nice between us, and I don't want to get it all turned around in my head with you......sometimes I hurt you.....sometimes you hurt me. And sometimes it's not always a dream.....I just.....God, I'm sorry, pet. This is what I meant.....didn't want you to deal with this." Spike turned from her as best he could in his restraints.  
  
Buffy just slid away from him, giving him space. "It's ok, Spike. You take all the time you need. I won't push, I promise."  
  
Spike turned to her again. He shook his head. "I've done a lot of self reflection lately, and I can say with complete certainty that I did nothing to deserve someone like you.....I just hope you can put up with me as well as you think you can."  
  
Buffy smiled. "Gee, if I can put up with the evil Spike who tried to kill me and my friends a ton of times, I think I can deal with a souled Spike who loves me."  
  
Spike frowned. "Uh, yeah.....I should probably.....apologize....to the Scoobies."  
  
Buffy shrugged. "You can if you want. But since it wasn't really *you* who did those things, do you really need to apologize? You were an evil vampire, we were the white hats. Just how things go. But you've changed. And I can't explain it, but you changed long before you got a soul. Anyway, I don't think the gang will hold anything against you. They haven't really for a while now, I think."  
  
Spike brightened up a bit. "So, you think I can get a clean slate or something? I don't mean just with your friends, but maybe......with it all."  
  
Buffy looked down at her bedspread. "Spike, I'm sorry to say, I don't think it will be that easy. I think it's going to take a lot of hard, painful work to get through this. And it's probably a lifelong trip, if Angel is any indication."  
  
"No, I know I'll always have the guilt. I just mean.....maybe they will leave me alone. Maybe if I can show them that I'm not him.....I don't know."  
  
"They? Who are 'they'?"  
  
"All of them. The people I killed and.....everything. They're in my head most of the time. Always when I dream, it's them. Sometimes you. 'S when we end up hurting each other. Sometimes it gets too much. They get too loud.....that's when he comes. He doesn't hear them, I think. And then it's kind of like I'm him, so I don't hear them either. Well, some get through. He hates me for that. Then that makes me wonder if I wouldn't rather just be secondary in my own mind just so *they* will be less. But I don't like being held back, so I come out when I'm a little rested. God.....this must all sound.....I can't. I can't put you through this. Don't want you to see how crazy I am." Spike struggled at his chains a bit, until Buffy put her hands on his face and stilled him.  
  
"Spike, we're all crazy. You're just in an.....upswing right now. Together we'll get it all under control. And don't ask me how, because I don't really have all the answers. I just have faith in us. And I'm asking you to do the same."  
  
Spike gave her a slightly pained smile. "I have faith in you....."  
  
Buffy smiled. "Good enough for now. Let's get some sleep, ok?"  
  
Spike nodded and tried to get comfortable. Buffy repositioned the pillow under his head and gave him one last caress on the face before settling herself beside him, not bothering to change clothes. She made sure to give him plenty of space and hoped he wouldn't keep her at a distance for too long.  
  
**  
  
TBC R&R! 


	14. Torn Between Two Lovers

Buffy woke to Spike struggling in his sleep. Not struggling too hard, but twisting a bit in his restraints. He was also moaning. Moaning her name. Buffy smiled sleepily and lazily reached over to his chest and traced her way down to his groin. By the feel of things, he seemed to be having a pleasant dream. She couldn't resist giving him a little midnight happy, or midmorning as the vague light from the blinds showed. She sat up and as she unzipped his pants, she thought about how long it had been since she had done this. The she paused, wondering if he would be upset by this. He had said he wanted to go slowly with her. She promised not to push......but surely a little t.l.c. couldn't hurt anything. Besides, he was chained up. He couldn't hurt her, like he seemed to be afraid of doing. As she took him in her mouth, he let out a long sigh, followed by another moan.  
  
"Buffy....." he breathed.  
  
"Mmm hmmm," Buffy hummed around his member.  
  
"Oh, God......so warm......" He was waking now and Buffy looked up at him from her position and gave him a wink. He had a lazy smile on his face, but a split second later, he was yelling at her and struggling to get away from her.  
  
'Stupid, stupid Buffy. He said slow, he meant slow.....'  
  
"What in the good Lord's name do you think you're doing?! Stop that! How did you......oh, dear......what's happening?" William curled away from her, trying to hide his rather large sign of arousal.  
  
"Um, I'm sorry, I was just.....oh god.....I didn't know that you'd.......I'm sorry.....William."  
  
His hands still bound, William remained turned from her and spoke over his shoulder. "I suppose you and *he* were engaged in some sordid behaviors. This.....this just isn't proper. You and I aren't even betrothed! Why am I sharing a bed with you and *why* in heaven's name am I in manacles?! Was he......" William suddenly got very quiet. "Did he hurt you? Is that why you had to restrain him? Was he forcing you to do that? No, no.....how could he, chained as he was?......"  
  
Buffy sighed. "I'm sorry, William. Spike and I weren't doing anything. I just thought......well, sometimes he liked me to wake him up like that and-- "  
  
"Enough! I'd thank you not to share any details. The vague memories I have are quite vivid enough. Now if you'll be so kind as to release me so that I can......set myself right here......"  
  
Buffy reached for his pants. "Here, let me--"  
  
William jerked out of her reach. "Thank you, no. I'd rather take care of it myself."  
  
Buffy reached to her nightstand for the key. When she had uncuffed both his hands, he lept out of bed with his back to her. After a moment of adjusting, he turned to face her. "Look, I realize this situation he's gotten us all into is regretful to say the least, but I'd request that you refrain from those types of behaviors while I am.....in control."  
  
Buffy looked away from him and nodded her head. "I didn't think.....I mean.....sorry."  
  
William's face softened. "Well, now, that's not to say it wasn't......pleasurable. It's just......I'm accustomed to a certain protocol in dealings with members of the feminine persuasion."  
  
Buffy frowned and looked up at William. "Spike really talked like this? I never would have guessed he was quite so highbrow."  
  
William raised an eyebrow. "Yes, well......he's come.....far, hasn't he? The way he speaks, you'd think he was raised in a workhouse. And his manners.....I know the things you two have done. Well, some of the things. And outside wedlock, honestly. You'd think mother never taught us better. And I never thought a woman such as yourself would behave in such a way. Now, don't misunderstand me. I realize that 'times are different'. Doesn't excuse the disregard for good raising, however."  
  
Buffy ran her hand through her hair and sighed. "I think he got a lot of these manners after he became a vampire."  
  
William stiffened. "Yes, of course. When the demon pushed me back. When *it* took control." William hung his head and sat on the bed next to Buffy. "It was my fault, you know. Spike.....he's my fault. That night, I was terribly upset about......something or another, I can't recall. And Drusilla happened upon me in a moment of weakness. She was....." William's face lit for just a moment before turning somber again. ".....very seductive. I felt.....powerless. But I was also happy to give up the power just then. Not that I ever had much when confronted with beautiful women, that is." William gave Buffy a shy smile. She returned it, but it didn't reach her eyes as she was very consumed with what he was saying. He sighed. "Everything he's done, every person he's killed......it's all my fault. I allowed it to happen. I allowed myself to be taken over. Allowed my soul to be stolen from me."  
  
Buffy put her hand on his shoulder. "Look, I know that Drusilla has a.....way about her. She has this trance thing she does.....it's not your fault."  
  
William stood up and shook his head. "It wasn't a trance or any other kind of mesmerization. I wanted it. I wanted her, because at that moment I.....fell for her. I knew in a split second that I would do anything for her. It's because of a woman that I was turned into him. Because of a woman that I.....he.....that so many people are dead now. It's why we're a bit.....hesitant to commence a relationship with you. I wonder what could go wrong now. Now that he's....." William looked down shyly. ".....that *we* are so taken by you. Besides you, we've loved 3 women in our life and unlife......only heartache has resulted. It's not so strange to be wary of loving another. Especially with a love that consumes him, us, so completely. Buffy, do not think that the things you've done with him......the intimate things, don't think that I would not like to engage in, well......my propriety and respect for you forbid it. But well.....what I mean to say is.....perhaps I am allowed to the foreground because Spike sought and found our soul. He did this for you, so a different part of me wonders if there could be anything bad about such a love.  
  
And I want you to know, his love for you reached even me. This isn't to say that I've ever been separate from him, save now. Just that...he's always kept this part of himself, that is now me, suppressed. But I, in this incarnation, remember the love. And to be sure, I remember his love for Drusilla. How could I not, having been the one to love her first? But once the demon took over firmly, she had no use for me. The passion of the demon is what she wanted. Not that of the poet. Trained him to be a killer and I.....well, I didn't have much place there. But when he fell for you.....he felt alive again. *I* felt alive. Even though he rarely let me be seen, he couldn't hold me down anymore. You touched the remnants of humanity he had left in him. And he hated it. He hated the feelings he had for you at first. He hated that I was becoming more prominent. Again, not *I* as a separation, but *I* as his more human side. But then he, we, just gave in to it. Gave in to the feelings. That's when.....do you know that we wrote you poems? Not good ones, never good ones, but the feeling was there. And while he would always try to act the ruffian, he allowed me more and more leeway. And sometimes.......oh.....oh dear." William pitched forward and grasped his head. Through gritted teeth he explained, "Perhaps he's feeling I've monopolized your time. I think he's wishing I wouldn't divulge such intimacies......" He dropped to his knees, doubled over and gave a loud, guttural growl.  
  
**  
  
TBC 


	15. Can't Help Myself

After a moment, he was simply panting heavily. Buffy slipped onto the floor beside him. She gently cradled him in her arms and pulled him down to rest against her. She brushed some hair from his forehead and whispered, "Knock knock, who's there?"  
  
He chuckled and shook his head, still in her embrace. "Not the bleedin' ponce, that's for sure. He's had more than his share of time."  
  
Buffy smiled. "Oh, what's wrong with William? I like him."  
  
"Of course you do. Heart on his sleeve and all that rot."  
  
Buffy stroked his hair. "What's wrong with that?"  
  
Spike sat up a bit. "It's *my* heart! That's what's wrong!"  
  
Buffy nodded. "Mmm.....I think it's his too. And besides, what's wrong with a little bit of honesty?"  
  
Spike moved to Buffy's side, leaning back against the bed as she was. "Pet, I've always been honest with you, right? Even when no one else would be, I gave it to you straight. But there's a difference between bein' honest and prattling on about things that need to stay private. God, I can be such a git sometimes."  
  
Buffy raised an eyebrow. "You or him?"  
  
Spike shrugged. "Not so stupid to think that he's not me. It's all the same. I don't.....I don't understand what's going on in my head, but I know that he and I.....we've always both been...me. Never separate until now. And even now...I don't know. Just for some reason now.....the wanker part of me gets a speaking role. Now my inner monologue becomes an outer monologue. I just hope it doesn't last forever. Because......." Spike trailed off, suddenly lost in thought. Then he started shaking and looked beyond Buffy. He looked so terrified that she had to look herself to make sure there wasn't anything there. Then he closed his eyes and pulled his knees up to his chest. He wrapped his arms around them tight and started mumbling something that Buffy couldn't understand. Buffy put her hand on his arm and he jerked away wildly. He started crawling from her. When he found himself in a corner, he started whimpering. He turned toward her, looking much like a trapped animal.  
  
"Spike? What's wrong? Is he coming back again so soon?"  
  
Spike shook his head. She knelt down in front of him and he jumped up and yelled at her and then no one, "NO! NOOOOOO!!!! NO! NO! NO!" He put his hands over his ears and then started pacing the small corner frantically.  
  
Buffy reached toward him and he flailed. "Ok, Spike, I think maybe I should cuff you again. I don't know what's going on, but I don't want you hurting yourself or someone else."  
  
Spike froze and stared at her. "Please, no, please. Don't tie me up. I can't get away from them. Buffy, luv, please help me. You're strong, you can fight them. Don't want to fight them. Already hurt them. But they won't go away. Won't leave me alone."  
  
Just then Giles burst through the door with a stake in his hand. "What's going on?! He's screaming bloody murder in here!"  
  
Buffy took a step back from Spike and addressed Giles but never took her eyes off the vampire. "Giles.....it's a very long story that I will be happy to tell you later, but right now I need to figure out how to calm him down."  
  
Spike started pacing again. "Will, Will, Will, Will......come help. Come help me. You come when I don't want you, now come when I need you. DAMMIT YOU BLOODY PONCE, HELP ME!!!!!" Suddenly, Spike shuddered and put a palm to his forehead. When his unneeded breath slowed, he smiled slightly and shook his head. He ran his hand through his hair, then pinched the bridge of his nose.  
  
He turned to Buffy, finding her completely mortified. "Rest assured, he's fine. He's tucked away where they can't hurt him. Much."  
  
Buffy walked up to William and took his face in her hands. She looked deeply into his eyes, trying to see Spike inside him. "Are you sure he's not just trapped in there with the memories? I don't think he could survive that....."  
  
William smiled sweetly and took her hands in his. "I promise you, he's better now. It's the reason I'm here, remember? The one he tried to hide for so long because he thought I was weak. Now he calls on me for strength. But do understand, I don't have that kind of strength. I couldn't endure one tenth of what he does, I imagine. He just needs me so he can forget for a bit. Or at least, so he can *not* remember for a while. It's necessary that he rests, because you're right, mentally he'd never survive the assaults. It's always there. *They* are always there. The moments of lucidity he has with you are just that, moments. And even then, he hears them. Sometimes they are quieter and then he can think. Sometimes they get louder and he can't handle it. That's when I come. I'm happy to do this for him, of course. It's my fault, after all, that he is in this predicament. Giving him some respite is the least I can do. And unfortunately, the most as well."  
  
Giles cut in. "What in god's name is going on here? And why is Spike speaking this way?"  
  
William gave Buffy a supportive smile and released her hands. She turned to Giles. "Spike......has a soul."  
  
"What?! A soul.....surely not.....how on earth......" Giles was shaking his head.  
  
Buffy put up her hand. "Oh wait, it gets better. He's also now got some kind of split personality thing going on because he can't handle the guilt. And his other personality is, well.....himself. Um, well, his human self. William."  
  
William smiled and held out his hand to Giles. Giles frowned and looked at Buffy. She nodded. Giles took William's hand and noticed how lightly he shook it. "Good to finally meet you, Mr. Giles. I have long wanted to apologize for the way that Spike has treated a fellow countryman. Quite the pity, if you ask me. I've always felt you and I would have become friends had we met under different circumstances. And when I say *I*, I mean Spike and myself, of course."  
  
"Of course....." Giles frowned again at Buffy.  
  
"Look, Giles, I don't have a lot of info myself. You know what I know, basically. Spike called me pretty freaked out from a motel in Modesto. I went and got him and well.....here ya go."  
  
"But.....how.....why? I'm sorry, I'm just finding it difficult to take this all in. Are you certain this isn't some sort of hoax? Are you trying to pull on over on the old man, because if so, good show. Truly, very well done......" Giles stopped when he saw Buffy shaking her head.  
  
"I'm not clear on the how. The why is well......me. Apparently Spike overhead you and I talking. Well, partly anyway. He heard me say I couldn't ever love him if he didn't have a soul. So, as Spike tends to do, he went off half-cocked and got himself a soul."  
  
William cleared his throat. "Pardon the intrusion, but that's not entirely how it happened."  
  
"Oh, duh. You would know. Ok, William, you are the most lucid character in Spike's head now, so give us all the details."  
  
William shook his head. "Oh, no, I couldn't. Certain things I just couldn't disclose. Things not fit for conversation in mixed company. And some things.....I just don't know about. Like I said, I get some memories. Some good, some bad. I think it's like that for a reason. So that I can be a refuge for him. All I meant to say is that he didn't just go off for a soul after he overheard you. He did some......soul searching before he went soul searching." William chuckled at his joke, but noticed Buffy and Giles were anything but amused.  
  
"A second personality. Intriguing. This is not quite my area, but I seem to recall some information. Perhaps Willow can be of assistance. She was taking some psychology classes, as I recall." Giles frowned in thought.  
  
"Uh, hello? I took psych classes too." Buffy looked at Giles. He quirked an eyebrow at her. "Ok, I'll call Will."  
  
**  
  
TBC Please R&R! 


	16. Memory Lanes

"Wow......so.....wow....." Willow stammered as she looked in amazement at William who was kissing the back of Tara's hand.  
  
Buffy nodded. "I know."  
  
"We would have stuck around if we had known.....as it was, we just thought you'd be gone all night." Tara shyly drew her hand back.  
  
"No big. He wasn't really in a good place last night. Or this morning for that matter." Buffy drew Willow away from the living room. In a hushed voice she asked, "So can you fix him? I mean, he's got multiple personality disorder, he's really not handling it all very well. Is there anything we can do?"  
  
"Hmm, well I think it's actually called dissociative identity disorder now. DID for short. I think in the DSMV-IV they....." Willow stopped when she saw Buffy frown. "Uh, right, that doesn't matter right now. Well, I brought all the research material I could find at the library, and some of the course books I kept."  
  
Buffy looked at her incredulously. "You *kept* your college books? Man, I couldn't sell mine back fast enough."  
  
Willow sniffed indignantly. "Well, I bet *some*one is glad I kept them now, aren't they?"  
  
Buffy smiled and took a couple of books from Willow. "I am indeed grateful for your.....educational enthusiasm."  
  
As Buffy walked back to the living room, she heard William exclaim, "Intriguing!"  
  
Buffy chuckled and raised her eyebrows. "Just what's so 'intriguing'?"  
  
William strided quickly up to Buffy and pointed at Tara. "Do you know that your friends are actual witches? Isn't that amazing? And nothing at all like I would have pictured....."  
  
Buffy put her hand on William's arm. "Yes, I did know that. And shouldn't you have known that too? I mean, Spike has known it for a long time."  
  
William looked very confused. "Yes.....I suppose I should have been aware. But for some reason, it is a surprise to me. I wonder......I wonder why I have certain memories and not others. Certainly this wouldn't have been a painful memory to have. Unless, perhaps......have they ever done a spell on me?" William looked accusingly at Tara.  
  
Tara pointed to Willow. "She did, not me! And long before I came a long!"  
  
Buffy intervened. "Yes, there was a spell.....but it's nothing Spike would want to forget. As a matter of fact, it's one of his favorite memories. The first times we kissed." William's brow furrowed. "It was a love spell. Spike and I, well, you and I or.....ok, this is really confusing. Let's just skip it and get to researching."  
  
Willow piped in. "Hey, just for clarification, it wasn't a *love* spell. It was a marriage spell. Any love present was not my doing."  
  
Buffy chuckled. "No, no real love present. Those were the days of intense hatred." She turned to William. "That would be the era that was post- homicidal and pre-moony. Well, somewhat pre-homicidal..." William nodded his head uncertainly. "Anyway, let's get to researching! Where are Anya and Xander?"  
  
"Oh, Xander's on his way. Anya said she'd close the store today to help if we needed her, but we told her this was less magicky and more psychological, and she kind of lost interest." Willow sat on the coffee table in front of William, making him noticeably uncomfortable.  
  
Buffy sighed. "We may need some of both today."  
  
"Ok, William? I'm gonna ask you some questions so I can get an idea of where to start, ok?" Willow readied her pen and pad.  
  
William straightened in his seat and looked at Buffy. She came around and sat beside him. "It's ok. She just wants to get some info so we can help......you."  
  
William stammered a bit. "Well, y-yes, but as I told you before, some things.....I'm just not able to discuss either for lack of knowledge or.....well, some things are not for others to know," he said, showing some resolve.  
  
"Ok, we don't want to push. This is obviously a very tense situation. Just answer what you're comfortable answering. Ok?"  
  
William pondered this for a moment, looking worried. His face brightened when Giles entered with a hot cup of tea. "It's not what you're used to, I'm sure. But we have to make do here. Bloody colonials never did know how to make a decent spot of tea." Giles smiled as William accepted the cup with a chuckle.  
  
Slightly more at ease, William nodded at Willow. "Alright, Ms....."  
  
"Uh, Rosenberg."  
  
"Ms. Rosenberg. I'm prepared for your inquiry."  
  
"Ok, good! Alright, what's the first memory *you* have of being separate?"  
  
William frowned in thought. "I would say.....oh yes, I remember finding myself on a dark street. No, an alley more like. It was raining. I was very confused as to how I had gotten there, having no memory of anything previous. I wandered around a long while, hours perhaps. Some features seemed vaguely familiar. I was wondering what had caused my loss of memory when I felt.....him. He was struggling to the surface. I felt a change within myself, but almost washing over me. And in the few moments before I was pushed down, it all made sense to me. I quickly, and I should say rather overwhelmingly, regained a good deal of our memories. Like looking at a Van Gogh painting, if you look too close it's just random colors and swirls. But if you step back, you see, quite literally, the big picture. That's how it was for me. When the memories flooded my mind, I knew I was him. Or that I had been him, but at that moment I was somehow separate. And I understood my function, too. Something that took him a while longer to discern, I think. He wasn't......or rather isn't too happy when I'm in control. To be sure, he's relieved initially, but when he gets his fire back, he refuses to be held down. Quite comical sometimes, actually." William chuckled to himself.  
  
Willow jotted down some notes before looking up again at him. "Where were you? Did you ever figure that out?"  
  
"Oh, yes. I was in Naples. Italy. Never figured why I was there, though. We wandered around the city for a few days, struggling back and forth, he and I. But it quickly became less of a struggle when I just accepted my role. Control wasn't as important to me as it was, I should say *is*, to him. And well, as I'm sure you know, when he's feeling tip top, there's no holding him back. But he never stays that way for very long. And in those first few days.....weeks perhaps, I found myself in control quite a bit. I think, well, I'm certain that the soul triggered quite an onslaught of memories for him. The guilt was nearly unbearable those first days. So palpable, even *I* felt it. I had some of the guilt, but not the memories. Slowly, I lost the guilt. Unfortunately, I gained some of the memories. But I feel I have a different perspective than he. I almost feel like the very few.....things that I can remember.....well, I feel that I took part in some way, but that I'm not really responsible. Whereas I think he feels the complete weight of all the events. Tragic really. I feel his pain when he calls for me. Anyway, after that very turbulent period, we just....." William turned and smiled at Buffy, "It was all about you. He wanted to find you. We both did. We knew that no matter what happened, you had to be a part of it." He turned back to Willow. "It was shortly thereafter that we concluded the best course of action was to end our life. Or rather, he concluded and I concurred. We called Buffy to come.....kill us. She came and.....well, didn't. And that, my dear Ms. Rosenberg, is how I find myself conversing with you." William gave her a polite smile and looked down at his hands.  
  
"Wow.....this is.....hmmm.....Do you remember any of the events immediately before the separation?"  
  
William shook his head. "None. Unfortunately, the memories I do have are rather random. I thought at first that I should really not have any unpleasant memories of our life. But I do have some. And others, which should probably be very good memories.....I don't have those."  
  
"Amazing.....this could be PTSD induced DID. I'd say getting your soul back is pretty traumatic. I'll have to check the manual again, but that would be my best bet."  
  
"Willow, what is the next step?" Giles asked quietly from the corner of the room.  
  
"Um, well, ideally we could isolate the memory that caused the separation."  
  
"But it's not just one memory, Will. It's all the people Spike's killed. It's a ton of memories. How can you isolate them?"  
  
"Well, that's not really what I meant. More like, isolating memory of the event that caused the separation. Or rather the catalyst to the flood of guilt, you know? Like, if we could figure out just how Spike got his soul back, we could work with that, maybe. I mean, Angel didn't go all splitty when he got his soul. There's got to be something different here."  
  
Buffy looked down. "What if the different thing is just Spike?"  
  
Willow shrugged. "It might be, but we need to find out. If we can, there might be a possibility of integrating the two personalities back into one."  
  
William spoke up. "While I realize that is the goal of this research, perhaps we're being a bit hasty. I'm here because he can't handle the memories. If we become one again, there will be the memories and the guilt, but no relief. Perhaps you should look into finding a way to help us with the guilt after we are no longer separated. I think it's important to have a plan before acting on anything."  
  
Willow frowned and nodded. "You're right. We really should have a plan." She turned to Buffy. "And I think maybe we can work on that too at the same time. Maybe there's a key to relieving his guilt.....inside. If I can......go inside his mind. Like I did with you before you.....well, ya know.....If I can see what William can't, maybe we can figure out where to go from here."  
  
William stiffened. "Oh, I don't think he likes that idea.......oh my.....you might want to......remove yourself from his vicinity......." William closed his eyes tightly and laid his head on his knees for a moment, making small whimpers that turned slowly into growls.  
  
Buffy took a deep breath and gave a strained smile. She leaned over and rubbed his back, whispering soothingly in his ear, "Spike? Baby, you there?"  
  
Without notice, Spike flew up, game face on. "Look, witch, you are not mucking around in my brain. I don't care how much you lot like Sweet William, he's not letting you in. I won't let him!" Spike stormed from the room and ran upstairs. After Buffy's bedroom door slammed, they heard extremely loud music come on. The stations switched a few times before it stopped on something appropriately crude and noisy.  
  
Willow stood stunned, Tara patting her gently. "Well.....that was a little....."  
  
"Disconcerting," Giles supplied.  
  
"I was gonna say 'wiggy' but that works too," Willow managed to say.  
  
The front door opened and Xander came in with some bags. "Hey all! I come bearing donuts. So do we have a new soulboy or what?"  
  
Buffy started up the stairs and without a backward glance said, "I think right now it's 'or what'."  
  
Xander looked at his dumbstruck friends. "What'd I miss?"  
  
**  
  
R&R Por favor! 


	17. Summer Lovin'

Buffy paused before knocking on the door. It was obvious he was mad. But was he too mad to talk to her? Just as she raised her knuckles to the door, he yelled, "Go away, Slayer!"  
  
Slayer. He was mad. And mad at her. Or at least mad enough to take it out on her in the worst way possible--shutting her out. So she did the only other thing she could think to calm him down.  
  
**  
  
The door opened with a creak and before Spike could yell again, a little furry head poked in. Spike sighed and turned the music off. "Hey there, pet. Long time no see." Summer bounded in the room and jumped into his lap as he sat on the bed. "Where've you been, girl?  
  
"Basement. She and Giles didn't really get along. It wasn't pretty," Buffy said as she slipped into the room.  
  
Spike's expression instantly went cold when he heard her voice. He refused to look at her. "Look, I know this is your room 'n all, but I'd like to be alone."  
  
"Spike.....please talk to me."  
  
"Got nothin' to say, Slayer."  
  
"Stop calling me that. Look, I can see you're mad about what happened--"  
  
"No!" he cut in. "Not what happened, what you *want* to happen. You wanna let Red go muckin' around in my brain. I know I'm screwed up, but there's gotta be another way." Spike kept petting Summer as Buffy took a seat next to him.  
  
"Look, we're going to keep looking for other ways. But I figured you'd like to be.....back to normal as soon as possible."  
  
Spike sighed and shook his head. "Never be back to normal....."  
  
"Well, no one's normal, but we gotta try, ya know?" Buffy tried for a little chuckle, it fell flat. "And I'll have Willow keep looking. It's only a first step. We'll research it heartily. It's what we Scoobies do!"  
  
Spike shrugged. "'f you say so, luv."  
  
"Ah, I got a 'luv' out of him. The ice must be melting a little." Buffy elbowed him lightly in the ribs.  
  
"Sorry. I guess I got a little drama queen there, eh?"  
  
It was Buffy's turn to shrug. "The whole situation is drama, Spike. I don't think we're gonna escape it any time soon."  
  
"I know, " Spike said quietly. "Uh, by the way, nice job of scaring.....the old me to death this morning. You think *he* ever got sucked off?"  
  
Buffy blushed. "Yeah, sorry about that. I just kinda thought......"  
  
"Uh huh. Well, not that I don't appreciate the thought, pet, but that's also one of the reasons I wanted to go a bit slower. Never know when that wanker will show up, and morning seems to be one of his favorite times anyway." Spike chuckled and shook his head.  
  
"What?" Buffy frowned.  
  
"Just imagining his reaction if he came up while we were, uh.....doin' that thing you had never done before.....ya know, from behind, but....."  
  
Buffy laughed. "Since when have *you* been shy when it comes to talking about sex?"  
  
Spike hung his head. "Soddin' ponce is comin' out in more ways than one. Anyway, I don't figure he'd fancy that. He'd think it some unnatural abomination, I'm sure."  
  
"Well, what reason would he have to come out if we were.....doing that? It's not *that* traumatic, is it? I mean, it was for me at first, but I kinda warmed up to it," Buffy gave him a little smirk.  
  
Spike shook his head and couldn't help but smile at her. "No, I don't imagine he'd have any reason to come out. Except the fact that he's as in love with you as I am. Now that we're separate, I think he's wanting to make time with you now too. Don't like fighting for your attention, even if it *is* with myself."  
  
Buffy leaned her head on his shoulder. "Not to worry. I only have eyes for you.....and him," she giggled.  
  
"Uh huh. So you like him, or what?" Spike asked a little too coarsely.  
  
"What do you mean? Sure I like him. He's you, isn't he?"  
  
"Yeah, but.....I mean, don't you think he's a little.....poofy?"  
  
"What? Being polite and well spoken constitutes 'poofy' now?"  
  
"Oh, so you like him better? Maybe you wish I'd stay gone when he comes, huh?" Spike stood up and put Summer down on the bed. He ran his fingers through his hair and walked over to the window.  
  
Buffy went to him, running her hand up and down his back. "Spike, it's not a matter of liking him better. It's all you. You said so yourself. And he's great, but I don't think I could put up with him 24/7. Especially if he wasn't willing to do that.....thing....." Spike let out a little snort at that. "He's just the much softer side of Spike. And I like the rougher side of Spike too. I like both sides. And everything in the middle. It's the whole you I want. That's why I kind of wanted to get this show on the road with the.....merging or whatever we'll have to do. I want my Spike back."  
  
"'m just a little afraid. Afraid that if you put us back together, I'll be different. There'll be more him than before. Maybe you won't like that. Maybe *I* won't like that."  
  
"I'll like whatever comes out. I wouldn't say no to a poem every now and then, and you've flat refused me. Said you don't do that kind of thing anymore. Big Bad and all. I bet if I asked William, he'd write a poem for me."  
  
"Yeah, but it wouldn't be any good."  
  
"If it came from the heart, it would be wonderful."  
  
Spike raised an eyebrow. "Pfft, says you!"  
  
"Spiiiiiikey.....would you write me a poem?"  
  
Spike shrugged. "Sure, I'll just copy someone else's. Not like you'd know."  
  
Buffy frowned. "I don't think any of those old writers you know ever rhymed anything with 'Buffy'."  
  
Spike shook his head and chuckled. Then he turned to her, his face serious. "What now?"  
  
"Well.....we keep researching. Or start, rather. And just try to find some *other* way of.....working through it all."  
  
Spike nodded. "I'm sorry, luv. I just can't.....the idea of anyone gettin' in my head. Especially with the state it's in. I just can't stand it. Too many people in there already."  
  
Buffy slid her arms around his waist and pulled him in for a hug. "Don't worry about it. We'll figure something out. I promise."  
  
As Spike was tightly returning the hug, Summer came up and rubbed her side against his leg, purring. He looked down and smiled. "Guess I've neglected you for a while, huh?"  
  
Buffy pouted. "She's not the only one."  
  
Before he realized what he was doing, Spike leaned in and nibbled Buffy's jutted lower lip. She responded quickly by pressing her lips firmly against his. The kiss was gentle, but conveyed all the longing they'd both held for one another in the months of Spike's absence. When Spike pulled back, he looked very hungry. "Not sure that's such a good idea.....the kissing....."  
  
Buffy hadn't realized that she had closed her eyes until she opened them to find Spike's lust-filled eyes upon her. "Why not?" Spike gently pressed himself into her, letting her feel his arousal. "Oh," she said simply.  
  
"Was also thinking maybe I should go back to my crypt. Don't fancy sleepin' next to you and not being...with you. And I can't be with you just yet, as much as I want to."  
  
Buffy smiled and looked down between them. "Obviously. But I'm not letting you out of my sight. You're going to stay here." As Spike pulled back to argue, she cut him off quickly. "NO. This is not up for discussion. Spike, something serious is going on here, and I'm not going to wonder where you are or how you're doing. I want you here. If you don't want to sleep with me, that's fine. You can have the couch or we can set up a cot in the basement, seeing as it's more crypt-like. But you're not leaving. I'm putting my foot down."  
  
Spike shook his head, realizing the futility of arguing with her. "Alright, but I really can't...." he nodded toward the bed.  
  
"That's fine, we'll figure something else out. Now, why don't you spend some quality time with Summer, who, might I say was really bitchy the entire time you were gone."  
  
"Yeah, well, gettin' locked up in a basement will do that to a gal."  
  
"Hey! I took good care of her. Just when she and Giles were at odds, and at night.....the basement is fine. If it's good enough for you, it's good enough for her," Buffy protested as she walked toward the door.  
  
Spike smiled. "Ok, ok. I'll be down in a bit. Uh, tell Red 'm sorry about flippin' out on her."  
  
"Will do. Take your time." Buffy gave him a wink as she closed the door behind her.  
  
**  
  
Please R&R! 


	18. Feel My Pain

"Nothing else? All these books and there's nothing else we can do?"  
  
Willow looked sheepish. "And the net. I went online, everything says the same thing. You have to find out what's in the subconscious that has triggered the split. What *exactly*. Then working through that traumatic event can pave the way for re-integration of the personalities, if that's possible at all."  
  
Buffy frowned. "What do you mean, 'if that's possible'?"  
  
"Uh, well....."  
  
Giles decided to rescue the very nervous witch. "Buffy, you have to realize this is a very serious condition. Some people.....never fully recover. Some live with alternate personalities their entire lives. They usually learn to coexist and, to some degree, control the divisions, but.....this might not be something we can fix."  
  
Buffy jumped up, a wild look in her eyes. "Willow, spells? Anything on that front? There's gotta be something...."  
  
This time Tara spoke up. "I don't think that's a good idea. Doing spells on someone's mind is never good. And even if it's done correctly, it can have really bad results. Worse than he is now. I really wouldn't recommend using magics. I mean, other than what Willow uses to get inside someone's mind, but that's her own power she's using. Not any spell. It's still not 100% safe, but it's probably still the best option."  
  
Buffy shook her head. "He won't allow it. But we've got to do *some*thing. This can't just be *it*. What haven't we thought of?"  
  
"What if we hypnotize him? And that way no one gets in his head, but you can give him suggestions and stuff," Xander added.  
  
Buffy scowled. "You think? Can you even hypnotize a vampire? And how would that work anyway?"  
  
Giles took off his glasses, a thoughtful look overtaking his face. "No.....that's......I don't see why he couldn't be put under. And that just might give us the in that we need. Good idea, Xander."  
  
"Well, I was due," Xander beamed.  
  
"Satan ice skating? Did I hear someone say Harris had a good idea?" Spike startled the group with his entrance.  
  
Buffy took a deep breath before approaching Spike. "Um, we were just thinking.....you don't want anyone messing around in your head, and we can all respect that. But, uh, we were hoping maybe you'd let someone hypnotize you. And then it would only be *you* in your head, and then we could give you suggestions that would help you get through whatever it is that has.....split you."  
  
Spike frowned in thought. "Yeah, alright," he said quickly. 'This should be fun,' he thought.  
  
Buffy's eyebrows shot up. "Really? Great! Um, Will, can you do this? Or do we need to find someone....professional?"  
  
"Um, well, give me 15 minutes with my computer, and I'm pretty sure I can figure it out. You can find anything on the internet."  
  
Giles shook his head. "I don't think we should go at this amatueristically, no offense, Willow."  
  
"No, no. I trust Red. She's got power. Let her have a go." Spike winked at Willow.  
  
Willow blushed. "Thanks, Spike." Then she looked pointedly at Giles. "It's nice to know that *some* people have faith in me."  
  
**  
  
Two mugs of blood later, Willow announced to the group. "Ok, I think I'm ready to do this. It doesn't seem that hard. And a willing subject will make it that much easier," she smiled at Spike. He gave her a big grin back.  
  
"Ok, Spike, come sit on the table, in front of me. Everyone else, get out of his line of sight. I don't want anything distracting him. And stay quiet. This has to be very precise. Now, we need some soothing music. OH! Tara, in my bag I have that Wonders of Wicca cd. It's got some relaxing stuff on there."  
  
Tara obediently found the cd and put it in the player. The rest of the group sat quietly behind Spike. Buffy opted to be near him, sitting in the floor, but out of his vision. Giles and Xander each had a chair, and Tara giggled when Xander pulled her into his lap. They all watched with rapt attention as the slow strains of music filled the room. Willow was whispering something to Spike who sat motionless in front of her. The group watched as, slowly, his head started to hang forward. Soon, his shoulders slumped and his upper body looked completely limp, his hand sliding off his lap and landing with a thud against the table. Willow grinned in triumph, but quickly put back on her resolve face as she continued whispering. Buffy wished she could hear what Willow was telling Spike, but the music was drowning it out. After another minute or so, Willow motioned for Tara to turn down the music, which she did readily.  
  
Willow leaned over so she could address the Scoobs. "Ok, he's completely out now. And he'll only respond to my suggestions, so you guys can talk if you want, but not too much. I don't want to miss anything. And remind me if I'm forgetting something. Ok, now for a little test before we get into the serious stuff." She quickly grabbed up her pad and pen. "Ok, Spike?"  
  
"Yeah," he answered drowsily.  
  
"Can you understand what I'm saying?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Ok, I want you to.....tell me what you thought of Buffy the first time you saw her in person." Willow gave Buffy a little smile and wink.  
  
"Hot little tart. Shakin' her ass.....wanted that. Wanted her. Wanted to drink her. Wanted to feel her tight little body go limp in my arms as I drained her....."  
  
Willow frowned. "Um, ok. That'll do." She looked at Buffy.  
  
Buffy shrugged. "He wanted to kill me, I wanted to kill him. It was a whole killing thing. You know, you were all there."  
  
Willow grudgingly nodded. "Ok, now I want you to....um....."  
  
"Quack like a duck?" Spike asked sleepily.  
  
"Huh?" Willow frowned.  
  
"Or maybe hop on one foot while singing God Save the Queen?" Spike said, slowly raising his head and smirking at Willow.  
  
Willow jumped up. "OH! You! You're a big faker! How could you? I mean....I did everything right....."  
  
Spike shook his head and chuckled. "Take it easy, Red. Bein' with Dru for a hundred plus years will teach you a thing or two about thralls, all kinds. And how to resist 'em. Told you lot already, no one's muckin' with my head. Even if it is just passively." He turned to look at Buffy, who looked very dejected. "Sorry, luv. I just can't.....Have to figure some other way."  
  
Giles stood and stormed over to Spike. "Listen, there *is* no other way to unlock your subconscious than by getting into your mind, one way or another. If you have any suggestions, we're all ears, but unless you do, I suggest you stop playing games and start supporting these people who are helping you, even though they have no real reason to do so. Are we clear?"  
  
Spike stood up defensively. Buffy jumped up and took a place between the two men. "Guys, this isn't helping, ok? Spike, I don't appreciate you goofing off while we're trying to help, ok? This has all been a colossal waste of time, thanks to you."  
  
Spike looked coldly at her. "I told you. Find. Another. Way."  
  
Buffy closed her eyes and sighed. Just then, a thought struck her. "Another way? Another way to help you past your guilt? The guilt you feel for murdering thousands of people? Thousands.....that's such a vague number. Can you narrow it down at all? Is it just thousands, or is it more like tens of thousands? I'm just curious, I'd like to know what I'm getting myself into, being in love with a cold blooded killer."  
  
Spike's eyes got wide. "What are you......" He was too confused to finish. Buffy didn't give him a chance anyway.  
  
"I mean, let's be perfectly clear here. Everyone here is trying to help you. We all deserve to know exactly what went on, right? So, ok, you don't want to talk about the murders. What about the rapes? How many women, or girls even, did you force yourself on before you drained them? Isn't that what you wanted to do to me when you first saw me? Use me for your own sick pleasures before killing me?"  
  
Spike started shaking his head. "No.....Buffy, luv, I.....please don't. Not here. Not now......I'm sorry. Why are you doing this? I didn't mean--"  
  
"--You didn't mean to do those things?" Buffy interrupted. "Are you sure? Because I have some memories to the contrary. What was it like, Spike? What's it like to have someone in your clutches, full of life and blood, and slowly drain both away? Drain it away until there's nothing left but the shell of a father or mother, someone's child, someone's wife or husband.....what's that like, Spikey?"  
  
Spike started to storm out, but Buffy's arm stayed him. She grabbed him harshly and threw him into a chair. She moved behind him and put her hands on his shoulders, using all her strength to keep him sitting. "Will? Why don't you tell Spike how scared you were when he kidnapped you and Xander? Or when he tried to bite you before he knew he had the chip?"  
  
Spike shook his head again, tilting his head back to look at Buffy, questions in his eyes. Buffy refused to look at him, instead nodding toward Willow.  
  
Willow frowned, but took a wary step towards Spike. "Um, well, I was.....scared. When you hit Xander over the head, I thought you had killed him at first. Then later, you went all vampy and told me you hadn't had a woman in a long time. I thought you were going to, ya know.....*have* me before you bit me. That was terrifying......And then...."  
  
"NO! NO! I'M SORRY! Please stop." Spike looked up at Buffy again, who finally looked into his eyes. "Please, luv, make her stop, I don't understand....please.....it hurts....."  
  
Buffy took a deep breath and leaned over. She gave him a chaste kiss on his forehead. "I know it does. It's supposed to, Spike." With that, Spike hung his head, trying to hide his tears from the rest of the gang. Buffy rested her head on the top of his, firmly massaging his shoulders as she continued to hold him down.  
  
"And then there was that time after you got your chip, but you didn't know it yet. And you threw me on my bed and told me you wanted me to scream....."  
  
Buffy heard Spike whispering to himself, "No, no, no, no, no....."  
  
She moved closer to his left ear and whispered. "That was Willow. Willow who never did anything to anybody. Sweet Willow who always wants to help, like now. She wants to help you, even after you tried to kill her and rape her. Were you going to rape her, Spike?"  
  
Spike let out a sob, and just as quickly started shaking. Buffy let out a sigh. She knew it was coming. When she felt his body relax, she loosened her grip on his shoulders. "William?" she asked.  
  
**  
  
Please R&R! 


	19. Anything For Love

William nodded his head at Buffy's prompt. "That wasn't a very nice thing to do, you know."  
  
Buffy moved to the front of the chair. "I know. I didn't want to, but it had to be done. We need you, William. You're the only one who can help him, because he doesn't want to help himself."  
  
William sighed. "Then whatever you have planned, I suggest you do it quickly before he's rested. Though I think after an attack like that it might take him longer. Honestly, Buffy.....you have no idea how that hurts him. Coming from you....."  
  
"I know, but like I said, I had no other choice." Buffy turned to Willow. "Ok, Will, can you do that thing like you did with me? Can you get inside his head?"  
  
Willow tensed and frowned. "I think that's kind of like.....like a thrall. Like Spike said. And he can 'defend' against that."  
  
Buffy shook her head. "Spike can, but William can't. At least I don't think so. Spike learned it from Dru, I don't think William knows about that stuff. It's our only hope. Please don't make this have all been in vain. I don't think I could look myself in the mirror if it was."  
  
Willow nodded. "Ok, I'll give it a go. But remember, you were already in a fugue state. I'll need to put William in one too. And I won't have full control, he'll be in the driver's seat. But I might be able to guide a little." She gestured for William to join her on the couch. When they were both sitting comfortably facing each other, she reached into her pocket. "William, I want you to hold this talisman. It will help calm you so I can....do what I need to do." William nodded and took the talisman. "Blessed be Wokalima, whom we humbly call upon in supplication." In a moment, William's eyes went glassy and his features relaxed.  
  
Buffy stood up and looked at Tara. "I thought you said a spell would be bad for him. I don't want to make this worse."  
  
Tara stood and put her hand on Buffy's shoulder. "It's just a little incantation to calm him. It doesn't have anything to do with his mind. Willow just invoked a Goddess who brings inner peace and tranquility. And by the looks of it, Wokalima is a good judge of just how much we need." Tara gave Buffy a wink as Buffy relaxed a bit.  
  
Willow looked over at Buffy. "Ok, we're ready. I won't be talking to him out loud, but I'll be narrating everything I see to you guys, ok?" Buffy nodded and resumed her seat. Giles readied his pen to write down the information Willow gleaned. Xander looked bored in his chair, reading a magazine.  
  
Willow focused deeply into William's glazed eyes. After a few moments, Willow smiled. "I'm in, guys......Ok......Buffy and Giles are talking......Buffy says she can't love Spike without a soul.......Ewww.....some floppy skinned demon......Oh.....it looks cold out. Snow.....an igloo? Cool, I've never seen a real one......And old man.....he says....no, first Spike says something......'For her' is all I got......then the old man is talking.....Spike must do a test, no a trial..he says.....'To get back your soul........you must......destroy that which took it from you'......Wonder what that means-- OH.....oh......wow......oh......he.....oh...."  
  
"Willow! What is it? What happened?" Buffy shouted exasperatedly.  
  
"He.....Italy......Drusilla, he found her there......said 'Sorry, luv' and then he staked her......."  
  
"Oh my God! He staked Drusilla?......Oh...." Buffy clapped her hand over her mouth in shock and watched as Willow continued.  
  
"Then.....it hurt. Felt like a train......oh.....no.....no......I can't.....oh God, I have to get out......I can't.......oh my god, he remembers it all......never forgot it, but now he *feels* it all....not like a demon anymore, but like a man.....he feels it....he's breaking.....god, he hurts......*I* hurt.....I'm sorry, I can't stay here," Willow cried as she broke her gaze. She was panting, tears rolling down her face. Tara was at her side immediately. Willow looked at her, the pain written all over her face. "That was terrible. Oh God, Tara, he......he hurt so much. And I felt it. I wasn't supposed to feel it.....I'm shouldn't have felt it....." At that, Willow broke down in her lover's arms.  
  
Buffy stood and moved to William, still glassy eyed. "Will? How do we snap him out of it?"  
  
Willow looked up from Tara's embrace. "Just take the talisman out of his hands," she sniffed before burying her head in Tara's shoulder once more.  
  
Buffy slipped the talisman from William's lax grip. He immediately came to, looking first at Willow, then at Buffy. He closed his eyes. "She saw it, didn't she? Saw the things he did?"  
  
Buffy nodded. "I think so. She said she felt his pain. And he....he killed Drusilla. To get his soul back."  
  
William shook his head. "I knew it was something big. Souls don't just grow on trees."  
  
"That must have hurt him so much. I know even though he loved me, she still had a part of him."  
  
Willow slowly sat up. "No, that's not it. It hurt him a little, but I felt that moment too. I felt his love for you. Right before he killed her, he was thinking of you.....then once he had done it, he felt a fleeting pain for her. But then his soul.......oh, Buffy, I don't know if we can help him. So many people.....all the pain and.....God......"  
  
"We *can* help him, Will. If Angel can work through it, I know Spike can. And Angel didn't have anyone to support him when he first got his soul. Spike has me."  
  
"Not just you," Tara added quietly. Buffy smiled at her.  
  
"He's a lucky guy," William said, almost wistfully. "I'm sure he'll be very happy when he's back again."  
  
Buffy took his hand in hers. "William...it's not going to be him pushing you away forever. You'll be whole again. And even Spike thinks maybe he'll feel a bit more like the old him. You. Everything's going to be fine. You'll both be happier, trust me."  
  
William nodded his head. "It's just..he always censors himself. The 'me' part of him. He's afraid you won't want him if you see how soft he is. I just don't want that again. It hurts when he can't be himself. When he has to be so tough for others. Inside, it aches. I just hope we can avoid that this time."  
  
"Well, Spike's never been insightful boy when it comes to himself, but I think there will be a few issues even *he* can't avoid when this is all over."  
  
"He'll try, though. Promise me you won't let him. He can't deny you anything, so if you push him a little, he'll do whatever you want." William smiled shyly.  
  
"Oh, I know. And I plan on using that to my advantage when the time is right. But for right now...I'd be surprised if he ever wanted to 'come out' again. I just know he's going to hate me for what I did..." Buffy hung her head.  
  
"He's afraid. Afraid to come out, I think. Afraid you'll hurt him again. But not to worry, he won't stay down too long. Never does. And when he does come, he's going to be rather..cross with you. But just give him time. It won't be too long before he's seeing with the eyes of love again, instead of those of pain."  
  
"Ok! So did we fix him? Or better yet, can the not-so-cocky one stay?" Xander jumped to his feet, tossing down the magazine he had been reading.  
  
**  
  
TBC R&R! 


	20. Thin Line Between Love and Hate

Buffy had asked everyone to leave. She wanted to have some time alone with Spike, whenever he decided to make an entrance. And she knew he hated having an audience, especially the Scoobies. Giles had left to do some more research, and when Xander offered, he agreed to stay with him and Anya for the night. William had been around ever since Buffy had forced Spike away. And she had, she couldn't see it any other way. He didn't seem very interested in conversation, so she busied herself with cleaning and eventually cooking lunch. She had to chuckle at the way William drank his mug of blood with disgust, though unable to deny that it satiated his hunger. She was making him some human food when she heard him cry out. She ran into the living room.  
  
"What? What's wrong?"  
  
William was standing by the couch, pointing at Summer. "This.....animal attacked me! I merely tried to pet it, and it scratched me. I thought you said this was Spike's cat."  
  
Buffy smiled. "It is, and she has scratched him before....but I think she just doesn't like you. Maybe she can tell that you're.....different? Weird.....Ah well, back to the basement for you, Summer." Buffy picked up the cat and opened the basement door. After she had set her gently on the steps and closed the door, Buffy turned back to William. He was busy looking at a Cosmo magazine, his eyes wide.  
  
When he noticed her looking at him, he commented, "These women.....do not have much respect for themselves, do they?" He held up the magazine, open to a clothing ad.  
  
Buffy shrugged. "Not quite like the girls of your day, huh?"  
  
William shook his head, but remained engrossed in the pictures. Buffy chuckled as she returned to the kitchen.  
  
About ten minutes later, she had prepared a reasonably edible lunch of chicken strips and fries. She took the plates into the living room. "Well, probably also not like what you're used to, or what you remember being used to, but it's all we have in the freezer. Time to go shopping again, I th--" His icy glare halted her. She actually found herself momentarily flustered. "Spike," was all she could say.  
  
"Slayer," he hissed. He stood up, his whole body tense. The only thing soft about him were the tears that slowly filled his eyes. He clenched his jaw, refusing to blink lest one of the drops fall and start a torrent. "I. Trusted. You. You. Little. Bitch."  
  
Buffy couldn't be angry at him, not even at his harsh words. She knew she deserved it. She expected it. But seeing him and hearing the hurt that crept into his voice.....it was more than she thought she could take. She slowly put down the plates on the coffee table and readied herself for the onslaught. She didn't try to defend or explain, she just stood there waiting, not bothering to hold back her own tears.  
  
They just looked at each other for a long moment. Him glaring, her trying to convey an unspoken apology. Because she was sorry. But then again, she wasn't. It had to be done. Maybe, eventually, he would understand that. But right now she was sorry for hurting him. For breaking the trust they had built so tenuously.  
  
"Are you going to say anything, or are you just going to stand there and cry?" he spat.  
  
"I don't have anything to say that you want to hear right now. My justifications won't matter to you, 'sorry' will probably only make it worse. So I'm just going to listen."  
  
Spike's eyebrows shot up. "Oh, you think I have *any*thing to say to you? Well, you're right there, but it's nothing *you* want to hear, I'm sure. I just.....I need to leave."  
  
Buffy frowned. "Spike, it's daylight out. And you're not really in a state to be out and about anyway."  
  
"Fine, then *you* leave. But I swear, Buffy, if one of us doesn't go soon, we're both going to wish my chip still worked." His fists clenched, and he hung his head to avoid looking at her.  
  
Buffy bristled. "Are you threatening me? You actually want to hurt me? So much for loving me." Buffy couldn't believe what he was implying.  
  
"Yes. I want to hurt you. I want to hurt you badly. I want to make you hurt like I do. And yes, I love you so much that I'm asking you to get out of my sight. Because I know myself, and this won't go away until I can release it somewhere. I think the punching bag downstairs is a smarter outlet at this point, but if you're around I can't promise you anything. And not just because I know you can take it. But because I hate you. Right now, I hate you, Buffy. And I hate me for hating you. And I hate the whole fucking world, so *please* just go so I can do something about it."  
  
Buffy considered arguing, but his body language made her decide against it. She just nodded her head and asked quietly, "How long do you need?"  
  
Spike relaxed a little and shrugged. "Dunno. Hour or two. But if I'm still down there when you come home, just leave me alone."  
  
"Ok." Buffy went into the foyer and grabbed her coat and purse.  
  
As she opened the door, she heard him say gruffly, "Buffy?"  
  
She stopped and turned to him. "Yeah?"  
  
He wanted to say something, but it seemed the words wouldn't come. After a moment of trying, he just shook his head and looked away.  
  
She left him there, desperately wanting to know what he would have said if he could have. 'I love you'? 'Don't come back'? 'Stay so I can pound your face in'? 'I'm sorry'? 'I'll never trust you again'? 'How could you?' She shook her head as she thought of all the possibilities, deciding it was probably a combination of all those things that he felt.  
  
**  
  
Staying on the safe side, Buffy gave Spike two hours to vent his anger. She was sure he would have plenty left for her, but he might be less homicidal. Maybe. As she gingerly opened the front door, she was confronted with silence. She didn't hear anything that would indicate someone else was in the house. She hung up her coat and purse and quickly scanned the kitchen and living room for him. She dashed upstairs to see if he was there. He wasn't, and that left only one place. The place she wasn't supposed to go. She would respect that.  
  
She spent the rest of the afternoon alternating between staring blankly at the television and tiptoeing to press her ear to the basement door. She never heard anything. She was beginning to wonder if he had left after all. But it was daytime and even though he had gone out before when he had to, she was pretty sure he just wanted to be alone, somewhere dark and dank. No better place than her basement for that.  
  
She didn't realize how late it was until her stomach growled, reminding her that she had neglected lunch. She certainly didn't feel like cooking and decided on ordering in. Chinese. Her and Spike's favorite. She briefly considered asking him if he wanted anything, but thought better of it. She'd order his favorite and if he came up, maybe they could eat together. 'Yeah, right,' Buffy thought. 'I'll be lucky if he doesn't want to make *me* his meal, as mad as he is.'  
  
**  
  
R&R please! 


	21. Time Out

An hour later, the food arrived. She secretly hoped the smell would make its way to Spike. Maybe it would draw him out of hiding. As she pulled out some plates and utensils from the kitchen, she heard the basement door open slowly. 'Worked like a charm,' Buffy smiled to herself. She turned to look at him. He looked terrible. His knuckles were covered in dried blood, his hair was mussed, and his face looked like he had been crying for hours. 'Which he probably had,' Buffy mused. She took a deep breath. "Moo Shu?" She held up one of the containers.  
  
He shook his head slightly. He was looking intently at the floor as he ran a hand through his hair and said quietly, "I know why you did it. I don't care. I still think it was wrong. And I'm still.....I'm going to be....not talking to you for a while. And I'm going to sleep in the basement. I'll shackle myself up, if it makes you feel safer, but I can't really be around you too much."  
  
Buffy sighed. "I don't think running away is the answer here. And it's not really your style."  
  
He finally looked at her, all the hatred gone from his eyes, leaving only the pain. "Not running. Protecting. Both of us. Don't know what else you have planned for me, but I'm pretty sure I'm not going to like it."  
  
Buffy moved closer to him, but stopped when she saw him stiffen at her advance. "Spike, you've been back, what.....a day? Two days? I think it was my mistake pushing this on you so quickly. But I still think this is the right way."  
  
Spike shrugged. "Per usual, we disagree."  
  
Buffy closed her eyes tightly for a moment. "Ok, Spike, what is *your* solution to all of this?"  
  
"To sit in the basement, away from you, and think."  
  
"Think about what? Are you going to be thinking of a way to fix all this, or are you going to be brooding over your past? Because I don't think that's going to be helpful."  
  
Spike's face went cold. "Oh, but isn't that what you want me to do? Isn't that why you threw it all in my face? So I could 'confront' it all? Well, let me tell you, luv, I confront it every waking moment."  
  
Buffy shook her head. "No, you *think* about it and sulk about it, but you don't confront it."  
  
"What the hell do *you* know about it? One day. One day I've been back and you're an expert now?"  
  
"No, but I can guess..."  
  
"Oh, don't even start with that. Just because Angel bemoaned his bloody lot in unlife to you doesn't mean I'm anything like him. He got his soul put on him. I chose this."  
  
Buffy's eyebrows shot up. "Oh, you *chose* this did you? So you knew what was going to happen? How you were going to feel? How you were going to want me to kill you? Seems like a pretty roundabout way of doing things if you just wanted me to stake you in the first place."  
  
"Don't be flip. This isn't a joke. Of course I didn't know.....how bad it would get. I expected some guilt. I expected remorse. I was even prepared to start being nice to people. I just....." Spike shook his head and sighed.  
  
"Well, for your sake, I'm glad the whole 'being nice to people' bit didn't happen. God forbid you be nice to people who are trying to help you! Especially someone who loves you.....I'd really hate for you to have to be put out with being nice."  
  
Spike's jaw clenched. "I.....am done with this conversation. For both of our sakes, let's just stop right now. Before we end up saying *more* things we're going to regret."  
  
Buffy closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She knew he was right. They were both lashing out in anger. "Fine. Let's just.....sleep on it. Giles is staying at Xander's, and I was kind of hoping we could talk this out. But obviously that's not going to happen."  
  
Spike's voice was soft, quiet. "I just don't want to fight anymore, luv. 'm fighting enough with myself, don't need it from you too. Please."  
  
"I *said* it's fine." Buffy mentally chastised herself for sounding more harsh than she intended. "Are you sure you want to stay in the basement? I mean, I understand, but I was just hoping....." She let the invitation hang between them.  
  
"I just really need some time alone, pet."  
  
"But you've been alone this whole time. I finally got you back and you want to be alone?" Obviously she didn't understand, and she wasn't going to pretend she did anymore.  
  
"That alone.....was a whole different thing. *That* alone brought me to the conclusion of getting you to kill me. *This* alone is for thinking. About everything. And I promise, no more thoughts punctuated by a stake, ok? Don't wanna die. Not really. Not since I'm back with you. But.....I just gotta figure out how to live."  
  
"And I have no place in those thoughts?" Buffy pouted a bit.  
  
Spike sighed and couldn't help but smile a bit. "Of course you do, pet. You're basically the reason I want to live. But I also know you muddle my head sometimes. Can't think clearly around you. Never could. Just a bit of time, luv. I'll work it all out on my own."  
  
"So you want us to stop researching? You think you can fix the whole William/Spike thing?"  
  
Spike shrugged. "Don't know. But you lot keep looking, if you want. Couldn't hurt. Only if you want to. Don't want to be a bother. Especially when I know you're the only one who really gives a rat's ass if I get set to rights or not."  
  
"That's not true. They all want you to get back to normal. Well, maybe not Xander....."  
  
"Look, just go with me on this, luv. I've always managed to figure my way out of tight spots. Don't want you worrying unnecessarily on it, ok? You just go about your life like normal. I'll be downstairs if you really need me, but otherwise I'll just.....stay clear, ok? I'll get my blood and take a shower, but mostly just stay down there. You.....distract me. And not in a bad way, just in a way that doesn't let me get much thinkin' done, due to all the blood that flows away from m' brain to other parts of my body." He gave her a little grin.  
  
Buffy couldn't help but give him a small smile back. "What about the whole 'William' thing? What will you do if he comes out?"  
  
"Not so much an 'if' as a 'when'. But I'll deal with it all. Just knowing you're so close will help me. Even if I can't get too close to you."  
  
Buffy bit her lip. "I'm just really worried, Spike."  
  
Spike nodded. "I know. I wish I could put you at ease, but I just don't know how to do that. I can only tell you that it'll all get straightened out in the long run. Somehow....."  
  
Buffy took a deep breath. "If you say so. Look, why don't you take some food down? I got your favorite." She held up a plate of Chinese for his perusal.  
  
"I can probably handle that," he smiled, taking the plate from her.  
  
"So.....any idea how long this whole banishment will be?"  
  
Spike rolled his eyes at 'banishment.' "Not really, luv. Might take a long while. You gonna be ok with that?"  
  
Buffy shrugged. "Don't really have a choice, do I?"  
  
"Thanks, pet."  
  
"Spike.....I wish there were more I could do."  
  
"I know, Buffy. But there's not, so no need in worrying about it, is there?"  
  
"Oh, I'm gonna worry. Big time."  
  
Spike gave her a half smile. "I know. And odd as it sounds, that's the reason I'm still here. Because I knew there was someone that worried about me. It's a good feeling." Buffy smiled and nodded. Spike turned to go back to the basement. As he opened the door, he looked back at Buffy. "And if you let any of my mess distract you while you're patrolling, I'll bite you. Soul be damned." His mouth quirked in a smile. "Which, come to think of it, it probably already is....."  
  
Buffy frowned. "Spike....." Spike winked at her before closing the door. "Yeah," she said to herself. "It is a good feeling....."  
  
**  
  
TBC R&R! 


	22. Little Help From My Enemies

My apologies for anyone still meandering down this road of Spuffy with me. I had to get 4 wisdom teeth pulled last week, so I was not much in the writing mode. RL sucks sometimes! But I've hopefully remedied that with an extra long chappy!  
  
**  
  
Buffy picked at her food for a few minutes, going over everything in her head. She knew Spike needed her help, even if he didn't think so. He was there in her time of need, and she wasn't going to abandon him. Even if that's what he said he wanted. The thought of him sitting down in the basement crying, hurting, brooding...it was more than she could bear. This was Spike. Her Big Bad. The persona and ego he built to cover up his William side was so valuable to him. But she needed him to know that she loved all of him--his tough, snarky, fighting, shagging, cursing side, as well as his soft, poetic, beautiful, so fragile side.  
  
It was this thought that drove her to the most desperate, yet most obvious option. She picked up the phone and dialed the familiar digits. "Hey. It's Buffy. I need your help. Can you come tonight?"  
  
**  
  
After a few hours, Spike came up to bring his dishes and get Summer some water. He also heated himself up a cup of blood. He peeked in on Buffy who seemed to be sleeping on the couch. He fought the urge to carry her up to her bed. To tuck her in. To kiss her goodnight. To cover her with his body and make love to her all night. He ached for her, but he knew it wasn't right. Too many things going on inside and outside his head to devote his full attention to her. And he wasn't about to be with her if he couldn't fully *be* with her. And, if he were to admit the truth, he was still hurting from her attack. He could rationalize it away, knowing what she was thinking. But hearing those words coming from her, encouraging Willow...it just fed the little voice that had always existed in his head since his human days. The voice that told him that loving women would always hurt him in the end. Cecily, his mum, Drusilla...the only women he ever loved and they had all torn out parts of his heart. He refused to believe it was possible with Buffy, not after all they had gone through together. But her actions tonight had pushed more buttons than she had intended.  
  
He shook the dark thoughts from his head. She wasn't trying to hurt him. She was trying to help him. Even if her methods were poor, her heart was in the right place. She loved him and she wouldn't intentionally make things worse. He spared her another long look before returning to the basement. He had a lot of work to do if he was going to make himself whole again. He hadn't the foggiest clue how to get there, but he wasn't going to waste time. Not when he had her waiting for him.  
  
**  
  
Buffy woke to light knocking on the front door. She sat up and looked at the clock. She smiled. He had made good time. She tried to shake the sleep from her head as she made her way to the door. She opened it and threw herself into his arms. "Thank you," was all she said.  
  
After filling him in on the basics, Buffy made her way to the basement. She took a deep breath before opening the door. "Spike? Can you come up here, please?"  
  
He appeared at the bottom of the steps. He tilted his head as he looked at her questioningly. "What is it, Slayer? Something wrong?"  
  
She swallowed hard. "Can you just come up?" As he nodded slightly and started slowly up the stairs, she added, "Look, I...I did something you're not going to like. Well, *another* something you're not going to like. But it's really the most obvious thing, if you think about it. And...well..."  
  
Spike's eyes narrowed as he reached the top of the steps. He took a deep breath and muttered, "Peaches."  
  
Buffy moved from the doorway as he glared coldly at her. She shut the door behind him, as if he might bolt back down.  
  
"Hello, Spike. I hear you've got yourself a problem," Angel said quietly.  
  
Spike's gaze never left Buffy. "You know what, pet? I'd be expecting a call from Captain Cardboard, if I were you. Army's probably real interested in recruiting you. Your ambush techniques are second to none, 'f you ask me."  
  
Buffy had to break the look, his cold eyes too much for her. "Spike, will you please just talk with him? He's the only other person in the whole world who has a vague clue as to what you're going through. I just thought..."  
  
"Well, how about you stop thinking, huh? Isn't that what I'm supposed to be doing? You don't need to trouble yourself, especially when your thinking leads to.....this," he gestured at Angel.  
  
"Look, I had no idea this was about you, Spike. I probably wouldn't have come if she'd explained it all to me." Angel gave a pointed look at Buffy.  
  
Buffy looked down. "Which is why I didn't tell either one of you.....you're both so stubborn." She sighed. "Am I the only one who sees the sense in this? Angel, vampire with soul. Spike, vampire with new soul. Spike, you're having troubles. Angel, you've worked through most of yours. Just thought it would help."  
  
Angel chuckled bitterly. "Haven't worked through half of mine, Buffy. How do you expect me to help him? Especially when he doesn't want any help. And especially when I can smell him all over you. Were you ever going to bother telling me that part? Not that it takes much to guess....."  
  
"Hey! Should I tell her who *I* smell all over *you*? She's not your bint to get jealous over anymore, Angel."  
  
Buffy frowned. "Who does he smell like?"  
  
Spike glared at her. "Does it matter?"  
  
Buffy dropped her head. "No, just curious."  
  
Spike shook his head. "Look, so we're all in agreement that nobody wants this?" As Buffy opened her mouth to protest, he said, "Good," before heading back to the basement.  
  
"Hey!" Buffy yelled, stopping Spike in his tracks. He turned to her. She looked from one vamp to the other. "If either of you ever felt anything for me, you'll do this. Just half an hour, please. Angel, please, just......some pointers, anything. Spike, please, just listen. I know you hate him, but he might have something to say that will help you." She moved closer to Spike, spoke quietly to him, even though she knew Angel could hear her. "I know you're mad at me. Hate me probably. But I know you love me too. Know you'd do anything for me. All I'm asking is half an hour. Not too much, is it?"  
  
Spike's face softened at her entreaties. "Half hour with him? More than you think." His gaze left hers in mock thought. "I think maybe I'll keep a tally. Then once this is all over with, you'll owe me." He gave her a suggestive smirk that she hadn't seen in a while. She couldn't resist the urge to reach up on her tip toes and brush her lips against his for a moment. He didn't pull away from her, which she took as a very good sign. Angel's throat clearing brought her back to the moment. Spike smiled at Buffy. "You don't play fair."  
  
She gave him a big smile in return. "I know. Now, you guys go to the living room. I'll bring in some blood and you guys can just talk. I'll stay or go, whatever you want."  
  
Both men shook their heads in resignation, but followed her orders. Angel took a lounge chair, Spike flung himself down on the couch across from Angel. They sat in silence until Buffy brought them each a mug of blood.  
  
"Well?" Buffy asked.  
  
Spike quirked an eyebrow. "Well, what?"  
  
"Why aren't you guys talking? I mean, that was the whole point, and--"  
  
Angel put up his hand to silence her. "I guess neither one of us is sure exactly what you're going for here, Buffy."  
  
Buffy shrugged. "I don't know. Spike, tell him how you're feeling. Angel, tell him what to expect."  
  
Spike nodded and looked at Angel. "Feelin' shitty."  
  
"Expect more of it," Angel confirmed blankly.  
  
"Brilliant! I feel better. Thanks, luv. Bloody catharsis, it was." Spike rose to leave. Buffy's aggravated look made him sit back down.  
  
"Look, Angel, I told you that Spike has a split personality--"  
  
"--Hey! My personal information, here!" Spike blustered.  
  
Buffy ignored him and continued. "He acts like he did when he was human when the guilt and memories get to be too much."  
  
Angel nodded, seemingly intrigued. "What triggers the memories? The guilt?"  
  
"Uh, bein' awake, ya nit," Spike spat.  
  
Buffy glared at Spike again. "It seems like it just builds up sometimes. Then, it becomes too much and Spike retreats and his 'William' persona takes over."  
  
"I'm not really sure what I can do. I didn't have that happen to me," Angel said honestly.  
  
"I know, but maybe for after.....after we get all that fixed. He's still going to need.....help."  
  
Spike shook his head, but wasn't about to speak after Buffy's many aggravated looks.  
  
Angel shrugged. "He's got people around him. He's got you. He's got a lot of what I didn't have when I had just gotten my soul. I mean, I had people around me, but.....they weren't exactly encouraging me to be good," Angel tossed a look at Spike.  
  
"Hey, was a soulless vampire then, can't really be expected to be your soddin' cheerleader, can I?" Spike shook his head and stood. "'M goin' for a smoke. Pet, you can fill me in on all his words of wisdom."  
  
"Spike," Buffy called after him, but his hand in the air was the only response she got.  
  
She started after him until Angel's voice stopped her. "Let him go. This isn't easy for him. Especially now that he's a lot of what he hated in me. Then to top it off, you bring me here to help him. Spike's always had his pride. Well.....not when it came to women, but that's a whole other story.....Look, the thing is.....he's got people. People who care. I retreated into myself after I got my soul. Didn't want to be a part of the world. Didn't have any use for people since they couldn't be food anymore. Til I met you. You brought me out of a hundred years of.....whatever I was in. He'll have you right off the bat. And not that I'm so thrilled about that, mind you.....but I wouldn't wish what I went through on anyone. Even Spike. Just.....treat him like a man. Like a person. Not like a thing. And don't let him retreat. Don't let him sit in that basement sulking. Because, no matter what he says, he'll become a thing. A guilt-ridden demon who's pulled inside himself. This whole split personality thing.....I can't figure if it's part of himself trying to pull inside, or part of himself that wants to be a person fighting to get out. Or both."  
  
Buffy nodded solemnly. "I just don't know how to do all that stuff. He's pulling away, like you said. But he won't let me near. The only time I can get close is when 'William' is around. And that's.....a little odd sometimes. And as much as I like him too, he's not my Spike. He doesn't have all the memories or.....or confidence......I don't know. I just want him whole again."  
  
"I don't know much about that kind of stuff, but I'd assume whatever happens.....however you decide to 'fix' him, he'll have to agree to it. No more of this springing stuff on him. He has to want to be whole again. And if he's afraid that the guilt will be too much and he won't have anywhere to hide, he might prefer being split up. And the thing is, the guilt *will* get that bad. He *won't* have anywhere to hide. But if you can get him to open up to you, he won't need to hide. I haven't been around Spike in a long time, but if I do know anything about him, it's that he is ruled by women. If you push hard enough, he'll choose you, Buffy. He'll choose you to the safety of his own mind. But you have to be able to provide the safety he'll need. You can't back down or shy away. And he'll have some hellacious stories to tell. Some terrifying feelings to expose. You have to be ready or he'll probably turn out worse than I did. He'll shut himself off if he feels he doesn't have an outlet or your trust. Like I said, I don't know how to fix his current problem, but once he is normal, you have to be there, Buffy. Completely there, or you'll lose him. And a huge part of me hates that it has to be you, but you did it for me. I know you're capable. The question is, do you care enough for him to be what he needs?"  
  
Buffy seemed lost in thought. "I love him," she said both absently and confidently.  
  
Angel winced. "Then he'll be just fine. He's a lucky guy."  
  
Buffy snapped out of her thoughts. "Angel, thank you for coming. I know it was a little dirty of me, but I think this is just what we needed."  
  
Angel quirked an eyebrow toward the kitchen where Spike had exited. "Yeah, he sure got a lot out of it."  
  
Buffy shook her head. "More than he thinks. But mostly I mean me. I think.....I hope I have an idea. I think you're right. He will choose me."  
  
Angel nodded. "Whatever you're planning, be careful. Messing with someone's psyche is always dangerous."  
  
"I will. I can't lose him. I know you don't understand this whole situation, but he means so much to me. I haven't loved anyone like this since.....well, since you."  
  
"There's a myriad of things I could say to that, but I think I'll stick to 'good night'." Angel stood to leave. Buffy gave him a big hug.  
  
"Thank you. I owe you one."  
  
"Take care of yourself, Buffy. You've got a hard road ahead." Angel opened the door and headed to his car.  
  
A thought struck Buffy. "Hey! Who do you smell like?"  
  
A laugh and a dismissive wave was her answer.  
  
**  
  
TBC R&R 


	23. Best Laid Plans

"Spike?" Buffy asked as she opened the back door. He sat on the steps with his head hung low, his white hair a beacon in the dark of night.  
  
"Yeah?" he replied gruffly without turning to her.  
  
Buffy took a deep breath, willing herself to not go sit with him. "It's late. I'm, in your words, knackered. Gonna go to bed. Guess I'll see you when I see you." She let the door close.  
  
Spike jumped up and opened the door harshly, only to slam it closed again. Buffy jumped a bit, but didn't look back at him.  
  
"The wanker gone?"  
  
Buffy stopped walking and sighed. "If you mean Angel, and I think ya do, yes." She started toward the stairs again.  
  
"Well?" Spike asked.  
  
Buffy finally turned to him. "Well what, Spike?"  
  
"What words of wisdom did he have for yours truly?" Spike spat.  
  
Buffy shrugged. "I figured if you wanted to know you wouldn't have left."  
  
"Well, I'm asking now."  
  
"Look, I'm tired. Can we do this some other time? And aren't you supposed to be shunning me for your Fortress of Solitude downstairs, and wow I really need to stop listening to Xander." Buffy shook her head. "Good night, Spike." Buffy started up the stairs again, leaving a confused Spike in the kitchen.  
  
"Crazy bint," Spike muttered. "She's mad I'm in the basement, invites Peaches out to cure me, then she practically shoves me back into the basement and won't tell me what the great Poofter said. What the hell did I miss while I was smoking?" He shook his head as he headed back downstairs.  
  
**  
  
Buffy woke to the sunlight in her eyes. She smiled momentarily before a panic hit her. 'Spike! I forgot to close the blinds. The sun will.....Oh, yeah, he's not here. Sun won't do a damned thing to him in the basement.' She tried to rub the sleep out of her eyes and steel herself for her plans. As she pulled on a robe, she mumbled, "Ok, time for Phase One."  
  
She tiptoed down the stairs and to the basement door. She opened it as quietly as possible and padded down the steps. The light from upstairs was enough for her to see Spike lying face down on the cot. He hadn't even bothered to take off his clothes. She desperately wanted to go to him, to cuddle up beside him and just pretend everything was like it used to be. But that would be counter-productive to what she had in mind. She went quietly back to the kitchen and warmed a mug of blood. Then she sat at the top of the basement steps and waited for sounds of life. Or unlife, rather. She knew from experience that Spike could sleep well past noon, especially since he rarely fell asleep until the wee hours of the morning. That was her creature of the night. She was just hoping the scent of blood and a little light might do the trick.  
  
She had to reheat the blood 3 times before she heard him stirring. She couldn't see him from her spot on the steps, but her mind's eye could provide the details. Slight shifting on the creaky cot. A moan as he stretched. A yawn that faded into a small growl. Then an immediate, "Good heavens, I sound like a beast." Buffy smiled. This was what she'd been waiting for.  
  
She walked down the stairs and then feigned surprise when she saw him. "Oh! I thought you would be asleep. I didn't wake you, did I? I was just bringing down some breakfast for Spike, er, you."  
  
William smiled shyly and sat up. "Oh, no, you certainly didn't wake me. And the, um, blood is certainly appreciated. You needn't go out of your way, you know." He stood to take the mug, but as he did, he felt the constriction of his jeans around his morning erection. He sat down immediately. "Um, you can just set it there," he said, gesturing to a small table. "I'll get to it straight away." He crossed his legs uncomfortably as Buffy walked to him and handed him the mug. "Oh, um, thank you." He practically winced as she sat next to him.  
  
"It's called morning wood, it's no big. Every guy gets it," Buffy said, trying to put him at ease.  
  
"Yes, I do seem to recall.....but, um, wood?" He quirked an eyebrow at her.  
  
Buffy giggled. "Yeah, it's slang. Nevermind. Um, so, how are you feeling today?"  
  
"I'm feeling quite well, myself. He's......he's still quite cross with you." William looked at her apologetically.  
  
"I know. To be expected. But that's okay. He can have his little broodfest. I was actually hoping you'd be here when he, er, you woke up.....this is still all very confusing." Buffy shook her head.  
  
"Yes, I understand."  
  
"So, um, I was hoping that since Spike's not much in a talky mood, maybe you could tell me about some stuff."  
  
William looked at her quizzically. "What kind of 'stuff'?"  
  
"Well, I'd really love to hear about when you were human. What the world was like. What your family was like. Spike's told me some stuff, but I don't think he likes to talk about it. And well, now he just doesn't like to talk at all."  
  
"Yes, well, I don't suppose a bit of storytelling would hurt anything. But I must warn you, mornings are not generally a time I tend to be in control for very long."  
  
"Well, then, if Spike interrupts us, you have to promise to come upstairs and talk to me when you're in control again, okay?"  
  
"Well," William looked around the basement. "This is not really the place I would choose to be, especially if there were a pretty young lady requesting my presence. But he has his reasons, you know."  
  
Buffy nodded her head. "I know. And even if I don't think what he's thinking will work, I'm not going to bother him about it anymore. He's made his choice, and I know he's hard headed enough to follow through with it. So he can. But just because he doesn't want to spend time with me doesn't mean I can't spend time with you." Buffy smiled at William.  
  
William ducked his head, smiling lightly. "Quite right. My staying in the basement will do precious little for his plans, I think. I find it a rather depressing place, myself."  
  
"Well then, it's settled. When you're out and about, you come upstairs with me. When Spike comes back, he can just scurry back to his hidey hole."  
  
William frowned. "You seem a bit.....dismissive of him."  
  
Buffy shrugged. "I'm not being the dismissive one here. I've only been trying to help him, and he's just been getting madder and madder. I don't want to upset him more, so I'll let him have what he wants. I think it's stupid, but like you said, he has his reasons. He's being the dismissive one here."  
  
"Well, I suppose I'd better drink this before it gets cold," William held up his mug.  
  
Buffy reached for his wrist and pulled it down. "Why don't you let Spike drink that? He doesn't mind cold blood. And I don't want to waste any talky time with you!" Buffy said brightly.  
  
"Oh, yes, very well then," William smiled as he set the mug down on the ground.  
  
** "......so then, my mother had me taking piano lessons, which I detested and.....oh," William winced and put his hand to his head. "Mmm.....I feared our time would be short. It seems he's ready to return."  
  
Buffy stood up, continually amazed at the changes she could observe when one personality took control. William's crossed legs relaxed into Spike's wide open, relaxed pose. Perfect posture melted into a slouch. Bright eyes glazed into slightly colder ones.  
  
"Have a nice chat, did ya?" Spike looked up at Buffy, a surprisingly playful grin on his face.  
  
Buffy fought not to smile back at him. "Yes, we did. There's some blood there if you're hungry. You can reheat it if you feel like it." Buffy turned to go.  
  
"Hey! What's this, then? He's good enough to talk to, but I'm not?" Spike stood.  
  
Buffy turned back to him and shrugged. "You don't want to talk, remember? You want to stay down here and 'think'. Well, fine for you, but I want to spend time with you. And if William's the only way to do it, that's what I'll do. Or are you going to put him off limits too? I mean, I know it's all you, but apparently he's the part of you that still likes being around me."  
  
"Buffy, you know that's not what this is about. God, woman, tell me you're not that daft. How many times do I have to explain it to you, and why should I even be defending myself after what you pulled last night?"  
  
"Never asked you to defend yourself. I'm just telling you the way it is. The way it will be until *you* figure out a way to fix yourself, because it's pretty obvious you don't want anyone else's help on this. I just happen to be using this time to be finding out more about the man I love, since my other efforts aren't appreciated." Buffy stormed up the stairs, trying to hide the smile on her face. 'Phase One, complete,' she thought.  
  
**  
  
TBC R&R Pretty please! 


	24. Mind Games

Giles returned a little after noon to find Buffy eating popcorn on the couch, watching CourtTV.  
  
"Hey, Giles!" Buffy said happily.  
  
He frowned. "You're awfully.....chipper. Everything went well, I assume? Where's Spike?"  
  
"Oh, everything went crappy. And he's downstairs being mopey boy."  
  
"I.....see. And you're overly jubilant because......?"  
  
"I have a plan. See, my other plans actually worked really well, even though they hacked off Spike pretty bad. But that's okay. A temporarily mad Spike beats a permanently split-up Spike any day."  
  
"And, what, pray tell, is your plan?"  
  
"It's a secret. If it works, I'll tell you. If it doesn't, I'll take it to my grave, because it's kind of.....odd."  
  
"Buffy, you mustn't play around with these things. Spike is in a very delicate condition and--"  
  
"--For Pete's sake, Giles, he's a little off in the head, he's not pregnant! And my plan is good. I mean, I think it will have the exact desired effect. Or the complete opposite, but I'm not dwelling on that."  
  
"Buffy--"  
  
"--Look, I've finally found someone I can be truly happy with. I loved Angel, but he was too self-sacrificing for anyone's own good. And Riley was a really great guy, but it just wasn't the right time for me. And, if I'm honest, it probably never would be with him. But Spike.....he doesn't idolize me and put me on a pedestal, well, okay, he does a little. But he sees my faults and loves me anyway. Maybe even because of them. And he's not threatened that I'm stronger. And even though I am, I still feel safe and protected with him. That's something I haven't felt in a long time. It's something that a girl needs to feel sometimes, even though she can technically kick a lot of ass. And he just.....he sees me, Giles. He really sees me for what I am, and not what I put on for the world to see. And he's not afraid to tell me when I'm being 'daft', which I need too. I need him, and I'm going to do anything I can to make things right. Anything."  
  
"Just.....be careful. You could very well end up making things worse."  
  
"I know, Giles. But I really think this will work."  
  
"Very well. What can I do, if anything, to assist you?"  
  
Buffy bit her lip and looked down into her bowl of popcorn. "Um.....I could use a few more days alone with Spike. A week, tops."  
  
Giles sighed. "Fine. But I'm not staying with Xander and Anya. Listening to those two.....I could barely get to sleep last night. I'll find a motel."  
  
"Thanks. Oh, and take the motel bill out of my very generous fundage from the Council." Buffy smiled.  
  
"I may, at that. Now, if you don't mind, I'll shower and collect a few of my things first."  
  
"You want lunch? I'm making."  
  
"Oh, no, no that's quite alright. Thank you, though."  
  
Buffy frowned. "I get the distinct impression that word has gotten around that I'm a terrible cook."  
  
"There were rumblings....." Giles joked as he headed upstairs.  
  
As Buffy was trying to think of a comeback involving bland British food, she heard the basement door creak open. She did her best to keep her focus concentrated on the tv. After all, if it was Spike coming up for some blood, she didn't need to get her hopes up. But after a moment, she saw him out of the corner of her eye.  
  
"Um, I was rather hoping we could continue our conversation of earlier," William said.  
  
Buffy smiled brightly. "William, it's so good to see you." He shyly looked away, and Buffy was certain he would be blushing bright red if he were able. "Come sit down. Want some?" She held out the bowl to him as he took a place beside her.  
  
"Popping corn? Yes, thank you," he said as he took a few pieces from the bowl.  
  
"So, anyway, about those piano lessons......"  
  
**  
  
They had been talking for about half an hour when Giles came down the stairs. William immediately went to him, hand outstretched. "Mr. Giles. Good to see you again."  
  
Giles smiled, taking William's offered hand. "And you, too, William."  
  
"Buffy and I were just discussing Merry Old England. Well, the England of my day, at any rate. I'd dare say it's quite different now."  
  
Giles nodded. "That would be a safe bet, to be sure. Well, I'm only here for a moment, but it was indeed good to see you again. Buffy, I'll call you when I get settled."  
  
"Thanks, Giles." Buffy stood and went to him. She gave him a hug and whispered, "Everything's going to be fine."  
  
"I hope so," he whispered back.  
  
"Bye."  
  
"Goodbye. And should I inform the others of your wishes to be undisturbed?"  
  
"That'd be great. Save me a phone call and a lot of 'splainin'."  
  
"Alright. Take care. William," Giles nodded to the other man.  
  
"Mr. Giles," William responded in kind.  
  
As Giles left, Buffy turned to William. "Something to drink?"  
  
He smiled. "That would be lovely, but you needn't trouble yourself."  
  
"No trouble at all," Buffy said as she turned to the kitchen.  
  
When she returned with the drinks, he was still standing in the middle of the living room, but now his face was a bit sour.  
  
"Oh, Spike. Wasn't expecting you so soon. Here's a soda if you want to take it downstairs," she said, handing him the drink as she breezed by him to the couch. She couldn't help watching him, the tight muscles in his back, the twitching in his neck. She expected him to make some comment about her time with William, but instead he just hung his head and walked to the basement without a word. Part of her felt a little bad because she could see her coldness was hurting him a little. But that's exactly what she needed right now.  
  
**  
  
After about an hour, she decided to turn the fire up. She opened the basement door and called, "William?"  
  
A somewhat icy, "No," was the only reply she got.  
  
"Oh, sorry. I thought I heard.....never mind." Buffy closed the door.  
  
Another hour passed and she went to the basement again. "Spike?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
A disappointed "Oh." A long pause, then, "Um, well........could you check and see if I have any towels in the dryer, please?"  
  
She heard him scoff a bit, but then she heard the dryer open and close. "Nothin' in there, Slayer."  
  
A quick, "Ok, thanks," followed by the basement door shutting.  
  
Another hour later and Buffy headed to the basement, her arms full of laundry. She said nothing as she went about the business of separating the clothes.  
  
Spike tried to remain focused on the book he was reading, trying to ignore her presence as she was so clearly ignoring his, but his resolve crumbled quickly. "Not even gonna say 'hi'?"  
  
Buffy looked over at him, gave him a curt smile and said, "Hi."  
  
"That it? That all I rate nowadays?" Spike closed his book and glared at her.  
  
Buffy shrugged. "Um, how's the sulking going?"  
  
A low growl. "Forget it." Spike opened up his book again, only to close it immediately. "No, on second thought, what the hell is going on?"  
  
"Um, well, I'm doing laundry. It's what people do when their clothes get stinky. Or in my case, covered in demon goo and blood. Which, also stinky."  
  
Spike clenched his teeth. "That's not what I meant, and you know it."  
  
"Oh, sorry, I'm being really rude, aren't I?"  
  
Spike nodded. "Yeah, ya really are."  
  
"Do you have some laundry you want me to throw in? I mean, I know you only have a few things here, so I can wash whatever you're not wearing. And, by the way, I noticed you didn't come up for a shower today, which is a valid life choice and very keeping with the whole cellar dweller thing, but I think William would appreciate some cleanliness when he's out."  
  
"I'll shower later, and that's not even the point! William, that's the point. You only talk to him now, that it?"  
  
"He's the only one who wants to talk, last I checked. Look, like I told you before, I'm giving you your space and quiet reflection time or whatever the hell it is you need. But don't fault me for wanting to be around you, in whatever form I can get you. And he's nice. At least he still looks at me like I'm the most amazing thing he's ever set eyes on. All I get from you are scowls and glares. He's sweet. And I don't blame you, I know you're doing this for some good reason, though I can't seem to put my finger on it at the moment, but whatever. But he wants to be with me, and not in the dank, dark basement. He likes talking to me, and yeah, he talks about stuff you never really want to. So I'm taking full advantage of hearing about your short britches and choir singing and the fig pudding your mom would make for Christmas dinner. I'm trying not to invade on your time down here, but don't ask me to give up what little I can get of you." Buffy slammed the lid down on the washer, turned it on and left.  
  
**  
  
Buffy only saw Spike once more that night, when he came up to get a cup of blood while she was making her dinner.  
  
"Do you want some food?" Buffy asked quietly.  
  
"No, I'm good," Spike replied as he watched the mug turning in the microwave.  
  
After a few moments of uncomfortable silence, Spike said, "You know, you're going to turn into skin and bones eating like that. Salad's not a proper dinner," he ventured a joking smile.  
  
Buffy glared at him. "Pigged out on Chinese food. Gotta make up for it. Wanna keep fit," she said curtly.  
  
Spike shrugged as the microwave beeped. "You always look fit to me, luv. Always gorgeous." He snuck a look out of the corner of his eye, only to find her shaking her head. "What?"  
  
"It's not going to work, Spike. I say that William you still looks at me a certain way, and you try to one up him?"  
  
"No, that's not what I'm doing. Just payin' you a bleedin' compliment. And when in the world did things get this way with us? I ask for some time alone, you *were* okay with it, and now I get the arctic treatment. Gotta say, I'm a bit confused, luv."  
  
Buffy shrugged. "Join the club. Is it my fault that I prefer a nice, sweet guy who enjoys my company to a dark, scowly one who shuns it? Sorry, guess I'm quirky like that." Buffy picked up her plate and went to the kitchen.  
  
Spike just shook his head as he went to the basement, determined not to let her bait him. **  
  
TBC! 


	25. A Kiss is Just a Kiss

The next few days went much like the first. Buffy would wait for William to wake, let him get dressed, as he was much less free with his body than Spike was, and talk with him until Spike made an appearance. Then she would cold shoulder Spike until William came out again. And in his stubbornness, Spike returned her coldness. But she could see plainly that it was wearing on him. He was getting more and more frustrated with her actions, as evidenced by sighs and low growls, some occasional muttering under his breath. Her plan was going well until about the fourth evening when he came up the stairs while she was starting to wash a few dishes.  
  
She turned when she heard the door open. She waited to gauge the expression on his face to see who she was dealing with. When a bright smile met her, she relaxed, turning back to dry her hands. "Hey! Glad I did an early patrol. So, where are we today? Somewhere around 14, right? C'mon, I need some good puberty fodder to hold over Spike."  
  
He cleared his throat. "Um, I was rather hoping that we might have a.....continuation of that particular.....discourse at a later time. I would be quite honored if you would grace me with your um, conversational abilities in a confabulation regarding your sentiments about, um, Spike."  
  
Buffy couldn't help the smile that crept across her face, but she hid it as she turned to him, assuming a serious face. "Why would I want to talk about that? My sentiments are pretty clear there, I think. He's being the arrogant, stubborn vampire that he's always been. End of story. Now, about puberty......"  
  
He visibly stiffened. "Yes, well, regardless of his past behaviors, one could certainly discern where his......mentality is at the moment. He happens to be in a very difficult place right now and--"  
  
"--God, Spike, you suck at this. You can't even be *you* good enough to fool *me*. Now what's this about anyway?" Buffy now let her smile come through, only slightly though.  
  
His shoulders slumped. "'s the only way you'd talk to me. If I'm him."  
  
Buffy shrugged. "Like I told you, you wanted to be away from me, not the other way around."  
  
"Yeah, well......maybe I was wrong. Not like I have all the answers, ya know. Been sitting down there for days trying to think about it all, trying to figure a way out of this mess, but more often than not, I end up just sitting down there missing you. And the only time I get to be with you is when *he*'s in control. And that's nice in a whole other way, but I still feel so far from you. Then when I'm me, you won't give me the time of day. I think it's driving me battier than I was before."  
  
"I don't know. Maybe you were right. Maybe this time away thing is just what you need. I mean, who needs me and all my crap to distract you? I think it's the best of both worlds, really. You get your time to plan and think, and I get to spend some really nice time with you."  
  
Spike frowned. "That's just what I'm saying, I don't actually get to do any thinking about my problems cuz I'm just thinking about you all the time. Been my bloody problem since the day I set foot in Sunnydale, and it still haunts me!"  
  
"Well, ya know, the Scoobies are still researching. Maybe they'll come up with something," Buffy said sympathetically.  
  
"I mean, it's not like I'm gonna stop working on it myself, because it really is.....think I might be goin' crazy for real sometimes......But maybe the basement isn't so good for me. I mean, maybe if I'm up here with you sometimes.....then I don't have to obsess about you all the time and I can get some actual thinking done, ya know?"  
  
Buffy shrugged. "Could work, I guess. Whatever you think is right, though."  
  
"I don't know what's right. I just know what's wrong. Just want it to get fixed. You think......maybe, if I do spend some more time with you.....maybe we could......maybe *not* be so bitchy to each other? Knowin' you're mad at me just makes it worse. I hate that, baby."  
  
Buffy smiled, so relieved she didn't have to play angry with him. "I think that can be arranged."  
  
Spike smiled and moved closer to her. She smiled as he leaned his face down to her. He frowned as she reached up and gave him a hug. Her plan wasn't complete, but it she felt it coming together nicely.  
  
"Well," Buffy said as she pulled away from him. "Now that you're back in the land of the living, so to speak, do you want to talk? About anything?"  
  
Spike nodded. "I was wondering......well, maybe you could tell me about some of the stuff that.......Angel talked about." Buffy couldn't help but smile at the difficulty Spike had at saying his grandsire's name.  
  
"Sure, but it wasn't anything earth shattering. Just about how you needed a support system and stuff like that. But I could, maybe if you want, talk a little about some of the things he told me about several years ago, when we were......together. Maybe that kind of stuff would help. He told me a lot about what he went through and the guilt he felt."  
  
Spike nodded. "I think I'm gonna need a beer for this."  
  
**  
  
Throughout the discussion, Spike had remained mostly silent. Buffy couldn't tell if this was because he was identifying with the things from Angel's past, or if he was sulking at being reminded of her relationship with Angel. His face had grown darker and darker, and she was pretty sure at some point he had gone internal, no longer hearing her words, but listening to something going on in his own mind. When she stopped talking, he snapped to attention, claiming he was listening to her and asking her to go on. When she continued, he phased out again, but she just kept talking, so as not to disturb whatever integral process might be occurring before her very eyes. She certainly hoped it was to do with his soul, because if he was just zoning out thinking about new and inventive ways to kill Angel, she'd be very upset with him later.  
  
Her voice would catch every time she saw a tear trail slowly down his cheek. He wasn't outright crying, but every few minutes a single tear would break free from his glistening eyes. Then, without much warning, he laid his head on his own lap and covered his head with his hands, like a schoolboy doing A-bomb drills. Soon, his body was wracked with sobs. Buffy stopped talking and gently laid herself over his back, rubbing him and cooing soothing words. She caressed his hands and kissed the back of his neck softly, chastising herself for the sudden rush of desire she felt at the feel of his cool skin on her lips.  
  
When his crying ebbed and only sniffing and sighing could be heard, she eased herself off of him, never relinquishing physical contact. She rubbed up and down his back as he seemed to come to again. Slowly, he sat up. He looked at Buffy with a strange look on his face.  
  
"I.....I don't understand. I usually.....take over for him sooner than that. Before he can cry. That's my job, but it was almost like he wanted it. Almost like he was trying to bear it. It's all very.....I don't know. But then again, I don't usually get that upset myself......" William trailed off, confused.  
  
"What do you mean? *You* were upset?" Buffy asked.  
  
William nodded and wiped away a few errant tears. "When he.....recedes, if you will, he doesn't leave the guilt or the emotion. It doesn't stay with him, I know that. But....while I'm 'out', it's somewhere else. Not with either one of us, but always present. I can't explain it......But this time.....when he went.....I felt the sadness, god, the smothering sadness that he was feeling. Not the memories or the why or the how, but *I* was sad. I couldn't *not* cry." William shook his head and sighed heavily.  
  
At that moment, Buffy desperately wished she could crawl inside his head and comfort Spike, wherever he was. She wanted to hold him and protect him and tell him that everything would be ok. But she couldn't, so she did the next best thing. She stayed her hand that had been rubbing his back and wrapped her other around him as well. He hesitated a moment before returning her embrace. The tighter she held him, the more he relaxed in her hold. Soon, his head was resting on her shoulder, facing her. She turned her head and gave him a gentle kiss on the forehead. He raised his head and smiled at her. She saw something in his eyes, some kind of innocent need that she felt only she could fulfill. She slowly leaned in the few inches that separated them and brushed her lips gently across his. She expected him to pull away, but he didn't. Instead, he tightened his grip on her slightly and instigated his own kiss, more firm than the one she offered. The trepidation in Buffy melted as she deepened the kiss, bringing her hand up to the back of his neck to hold him in place. She felt his tongue gliding along her lips and she parted them for him. As her tongue darted out to meet his, he suddenly jerked back.  
  
"Oh, oh, I'm so sorry. Buffy, I'm so sorry. It's not proper.....I shouldn't have.....oh, dear......" William stood up and started pacing, a move that reminded Buffy of Spike.  
  
"William, if you didn't happen to notice, I kissed you first. Not exactly complaining here," Buffy joked as she couldn't hide her smile at his sudden nervousness. 'So unlike Spike,' she thought. 'Kind of endearing.'  
  
William stopped and looked at her intently. "Yes, but.....well, you were offering a.....chaste kiss. I don't even.....I've never.....kissed anyone like that. Must be a bit of *him* coming through, I suppose."  
  
"Again, not complaining. Unless you didn't like it, which I guess seeing where you come from.....it would be somewhat.....advanced. And by the way, I'd never be able to tell you'd never kissed anyone like that. You're a good kisser." Buffy gave him a bright, encouraging smile.  
  
William returned her smile and sat back down next to her. His eyes darted around for a moment before resting on his hands that were properly folded in his lap. "So.....are you perhaps suggesting that if I were to.....that is, with your permission, of course.....if I were to kiss you again in such a manner.....you wouldn't be disagreeable?"  
  
Buffy giggled. "I would be very agreeable if you kissed me again like that. I mean.....Spike and I....."  
  
William ducked his head and frowned. "Yes, of course. You two have.....consummated your relationship. I suppose a kiss is of very little consequence to you."  
  
Buffy's eyes widened. "NO! No, a kiss.....a kiss is of great consequence. Just because Spike and I have......consummated, doesn't mean I don't like kissing you. As a matter of fact, I'd like to be kissing you right now.....some more....."  
  
**  
  
TBC R&R! 


	26. Stuck in the Middle with You

His eyes met hers and she almost gasped at the love she saw there. He was looking at her just like Spike did when they would make love. The awe, the emotion, the raw intensity, it was all there. She'd never seen this in William, but she could tell without mistake that when Spike looked at her like this, it was William shining through and not the other way around. "With your permission....." William let the question hang between them. At her slight nod and smile, he brought his hand to her face and began caressing her cheek gently. When he leaned in, Buffy sighed, her warm breath tingling his cool lips. When their lips touched, they both felt pent up energy surging. Buffy parted her lips for him, and he smiled against her mouth when he felt it. He gently slid his tongue in to meet hers and as both flicked and played, the owners were holding on to each other like it was their last kiss.  
  
Buffy ran her fingers through his silky locks, while William rested one hand on her hips and the other still caressed her face. As their kiss deepened, rational thought left town. Long-suffering need took over as Buffy moved her hands to William's shoulders and laid back on the couch, bringing him with her. William moved fluidly over her, fueled by a similar drive. When he settled between her open legs, she could feel his arousal. He moaned into her mouth as she ground her hips upward into him. He pulled back for a moment to look questioningly into her eyes. The smile on her lips and the heat in her eyes was the only answer he needed. As he lowered his head to resume kissing her, William braced himself on one arm as he slowly moved his other hand down her torso. When he reached her hips, he slipped his hand under her shirt and moaned again at the warmth of her skin there. Buffy's sharp intake of breath when he reached her breast was the only momentary break in the kissing. As he traced her nipple with his thumb, she absently wondered if Spike had returned because she was certain William wasn't this experienced. After a moment, William began gently kneading, and Buffy drew up her leg to hook it around his, pressing him more fully into her.  
  
Suddenly, William stiffened, his grasp on Buffy's breast becoming somewhat painful. She whimpered into his lips and he jerked back. Buffy saw a wave of emotions pass through his eyes, ranging from confusion to anger. She knew Spike was back. He slowly looked down at the way they were situated and gingerly removed his hand from under her shirt. He climbed off of her and took a deep breath to calm himself. He growled and his eyes flashed yellow when he smelled her extreme arousal. "So.....that's it, eh? Run me off so you can get laid? I want to hold off a little while, but you can't wait, so you pounce on 'im as soon as I'm gone?"  
  
Buffy sat up and shook her head. "What? Spike, no. He's.....he's *you*. I just.....we were talking, and you changed and he was upset.....I don't know, it just happened. And why am I trying to defend myself to you for 'being' with *you*?"  
  
"You prefer him, don't you? I mean, I saw it this whole week. You want to be with him." Spike shook his head. "Damn.....one thing I sure didn't count on. If anything, I thought you seeing that side of me would make you think I was a wanker. Turns out, you prefer the wanker."  
  
"Look, you just said it yourself, he's a side of you. I love all the sides of you. Including him."  
  
"You love him?" Spike asked incredulously.  
  
"Yes, I love him. Because he is you and you are him. I love you both, even though for there to be a both there has to be two and there's only one and god, I'm giving myself a headache." Buffy closed her eyes and rubbed her temples.  
  
"Yeah, but.....you were going to have sex with him."  
  
"You. I was going to have sex with you. Or, I don't even know if there would have been sex. I just.....it was nice. I saw.....I saw *you*. And I don't mean 'Spike' you versus 'William' you. I just mean, you, whole. For a moment, you felt whole. The way you, he, looked at me. It was purely you. But it was him. You know what I mean?"  
  
Spike frowned. "Maybe, I don't know. I just.....I saw, or felt.....him getting on with you like that. Made me mad. Like you were......"  
  
"Cheating on you with you?" Buffy quirked an eyebrow at him.  
  
Spike half-smiled sheepishly. "I know. I'm the first to admit we're the same. But it didn't feel like it just then. And I couldn't just stay in there while he had his way with you. Or, knowing him and you, while you had your way with him." Spike smirked at her.  
  
"So you just.....came out? You can do that? I mean, you had just gone in. That's the shortest I've known William to stay out."  
  
Spike stood, scratched his head and frowned. "Dunno. Usually it takes me a while to get myself set to rights in here." He tapped his head for emphasis. "But when I saw that.....just had to come out then. Cuz I felt what he was feeling for you. And part of me thought, 'Yeah, let the ponce get laid.' But then a bigger part of me couldn't just stand by and watch that. Cuz you're mine."  
  
"I'm his, too, ya know." Buffy smiled.  
  
Spike's face turned serious. "You know.....I've been worried that if, somehow, I manage to pull a Humpty Dumpty and get put back together again, that if.....*he* comes out a bit more in my personality.....wasn't sure how you'd take to that. I mean......I'm your Big Bad 'n all, but if he's there......don't know what that'd do to me....."  
  
Buffy grinned. "First of all, I don't think they actually managed to get Humpty Dumpty back together again. Second, I think I've already shown you that I want you both. That I love you both. Most of all, I need you both. I love your Big Badness. But I also love you softer side that you only let *me* see. And if that's thanks to William, I say more power to him. I mean, my god, what woman would complain that her arrogant, aggravating boyfriend would become a little more sweet and sensitive?" Buffy gave him a smile to let him know she was teasing him.  
  
Spike hung his head and chuckled a little. "Well, there's another thing--- gggaaaaahhhhh," Spike convulsed and grabbed his head. "I do beg your pardon, but I believe you interrupted some.....alone time that I was having with Buffy. You called me out, so let me do my job. I'm certain you aren't completely straightened out--" Another convulsion and a painful wince on his face. "You bloody wanker! You got no right comin' up when I don't need you. I'm having a soddin' conversation with m' girl, here. Now go back--" Convulsion. "Oh, I think Buffy will confirm that we were having something more deep than a conversation. Now I don't generally assert myself, but I think you are being extremely too rude, and I question your judgment in making--" Convulsion. "Bloody fuck! I don't believe this....."  
  
Buffy watched in amazement as her lover transformed several times before her eyes--demeanor and accent switching quickly, save a bit of convulsing and probable headaches. The yelling escalated, mostly on Spike's part. Buffy started wondering if the neighbors would call the cops for noise, but then quickly put that thought away. Given everything that happened on the Hellmouth, a bit of yelling wouldn't even faze most residents. Curious as it was, the fighting was becoming too much for Buffy and she could see it was taking a toll on Spike and William. 'If his body gets any more tense, he's going to explode,' Buffy thought. Then something else amazing happened. She noticed that Spike had vamped out in anger, but when William cut in, his human face returned. Buffy silently wished Giles was here to witness this, because she wasn't sure she could do the sight justice with mere description.  
  
She stood and shook her head. She walked to where Spike and William's thrashing had gotten them. She waited until Spike's demon face showed and firmly punched him in the nose. He looked at her, a confused look clouding his golden eyes. His vamp face slid away and he said, "See? She doesn't want a ruffian like you around right now." Demon face. "Oh, don't you bloody start again--" Another punch to the nose.  
  
"Enough!" Buffy yelled. "Now I've been sitting there listening to you two argue about......spending time with me? If you two could get your act together, literally, you could *both* be with me all the time!" Buffy hesitated as she noticed that he was panting as from exertion, but more fascinating was that his demon visage and human mask were rapidly cycling from one to the other with each unneeded breath he took. Breath in, demon. Breath out, human. Both faces had a pained, confused expression, like they were both trying to stay in the foreground to listen to her better. Buffy shook her head to stay focused. "Look," she said a bit softer. "I know you're both at a very tumultuous place right now. And, god, if I could help you both I would. But I can't .This is something you have to work out together. Fighting is only going to splinter you apart further. And that's not what I want. Please, if you can't do it for your own sakes, do it for me. I need my guy whole. I don't think I can handle this back and forth much longer." She knew it was a lie, she'd handle it as long as she had to. But she also figured it might be the only way to make them work together instead of against the other. To welcome the other's presence and not fight for dominance. If they could do that, maybe they could, someday, integrate. Buffy knew it would be a long road, but she was willing to stick by both of them until this mess got worked out--which happened to not be as long as she thought.  
  
As his panting slowed, so did the morphing of his face. Buffy reached up to his face and held it gently in her hands. She leaned up and kissed his lips when his human face came forth. With his next intake of breath, she kissed the demon too. She kissed each face in turn until his panting stopped and he settled into his human form. She pulled back and noticed his eyes wet with unshed tears. When he closed them tight, a few tears spilled. His face contorted in pain and he fell to his knees. As Buffy moved to kneel beside him, he held up his hand to stay her. She took a few steps back, wondering what could go wrong now.  
  
**  
  
TBC! 


	27. Strong Enough to be My Man

Spike bucked forward, slamming his head and fists into the ground. She heard a low growl emanating from somewhere deep inside him. Then, almost a whimper, "Please. Do this. We can do this." He grabbed his head, tangling his fingers in his own hair. Buffy wondered if he was going to wrench it out, he was grasping so tightly. Then she heard something that almost broke her heart and made it soar at the same time. "For her," he whispered. "No more. No more. She needs us. We can do this. Please....." It was spoken so quietly, Buffy couldn't tell if it was William or Spike pleading.  
  
When he had relaxed his tense body somewhat, Buffy knelt down beside him. She ran her fingers through his hair, smoothing it where he had mussed. He stayed on his hands and knees for a moment before sitting up beside her. He smiled wearily, despite the tears streaming down his face. "I think.....I think it's over. I mean.....I think we're whole again. I feel.....it. But not us. Just me. Ruffian and ponce. Same guy now." Spike sighed and ran a hand over his face, wiping away the tears. "You sure that's ok with you, luv?" he asked, not able to look at her yet.  
  
Buffy smiled, not bothering to hold back her own tears. "More than ok, baby. It's what I've been wanting all along. Even before you went for your soul." He finally looked at her, confused. She smiled wider and took his face in her hands. "You're always my Big Bad, and I love that about you. And you let me see your tenderness, and I love that too. But I could always tell you were holding back. Like you thought if you said too many sweet words or showed too much softness that I wouldn't want you. Like maybe you also thought because I'm such a tough chick that only a tough guy will do for me. So you hid part of yourself away. You forced it down. We can call that part 'William', if you want, but it was still a part of you that you kept from me. You let it slip, sometimes, in the way you'd look at me. Or the words you would say when you thought I was asleep. But you forget, Spike, I fell in love with the you who recited poems to me on my first day back from heaven. The you who wrote songs for me. I was fragile then, so you were delicate with me. Then when I got stronger, I guess you assumed I'd have no use for your delicateness, your poems, your songs, your tears. But you're wrong. I want it all. I need it all. Because I need all of you. I don't love you in parts, baby. I love all of you." She gave him a firm kiss on the nose and released his face. "Sorry about the nose, by the way."  
  
Spike took a deep breath. "Still a little scared, luv."  
  
Buffy rolled her eyes. "God, how many times do I have to tell you, I love-- "  
  
"--No, I know that. I believe that, I really do. It's just....." He stared at his clasped hands in his lap. "'ve done some bloody awful things. I mean, I've got a demon in me and the thought of it all drove me 'round the bend. Can't imagine what all that rot'll do to someone as pure as you." He finally looked up at her, fear in his eyes.  
  
Buffy smiled. "I'm anything but pure, you of all people should know that." At his slight smile, she continued. "And I know the things you've done.....well, not the exact things you've done. But I can imagine. I mean, I dated Angelus, if you recall. If you did worse than him, I'd actually be impressed rather than disappointed." She got another little smile out of him. "And we don't have to talk about any of that if you don't want to. But I really think it would be a good thing. Good to get it all out. But only if you want. Don't want to be pushy girl here."  
  
Spike shook his head. "Can't get it *all* out, luv. It's not the facts and figures that haunt me. It's the sights and sounds. The looks of terror on people's faces, knowing I was the cause of it. The screams. The dead bodies hitting the ground. But even worse than that, it's me. Me and Dru, makin' love covered in some poor bloke's blood. I loved it. I reveled in it. It made me feel alive. After I killed my first slayer....." Spike shook his head.  
  
Buffy put her hand on his arm. "I want to hear it all, Spike."  
  
He shook his head again and stood. "No one wants to hear this stuff."  
  
Buffy moved to the couch and he joined her. "Ok, so it's not pleasant conversation, I agree. But I think we both *need* for me to hear this. Tell me about your first slayer."  
  
And he told her. He told her about drinking from the slayer. About making love with Drusilla a few yards from the body. About all the others he killed during the Boxer Rebellion, the ones he could remember, at any rate. Deep into the night, he told her about the first child he killed, the first woman he raped, the first person he used a railroad spike on. She was his confessor, and he let it all out and begged forgiveness many times over that night. When he sobbed, she held him. When he couldn't speak, she whispered loving words to him. She internalized her disgust at the stories, reassuring herself that those were actions of a Spike that was gone long before he went for his soul.  
  
Eventually, she was able to detach what she was hearing from what she needed to do for Spike. He needed this, he needed to tell her his evil deeds. Needed her to forgive him, since his victims were no longer able to dispense absolution. And she did. She forgave him every death, every painful torture, every malicious rape, all of it, because this man before her committed none of those crimes, but felt the full weight of the actions. He was a different man, a new man. But he had to get past the old first.  
  
During one spell of crying, she discovered that he had actually fallen asleep in her lap as she stroked his head. He still whimpered and let out the occasional sob, but he was asleep. The day was wearing heavily on her, as well, and soon she laid her head back for a moment's respite and quickly drowsed off.  
  
**  
  
About an hour before sunrise, Spike woke with a pained yell, bolting up from Buffy's lap. She woke also, scared beyond belief. "What? Spike, what is it? What's wrong?"  
  
"Oh, god. They......This is why he usually wakes and not me." Spike laid his head back and crossed his arms over his face.  
  
"Spike? Talk to me, baby," Buffy begged, concern written clearly on her face.  
  
"Just.....dreams. Nightmares. The same, but always different. It's not over, you know. Just because I'm whole again and I.....told you all that rot.....doesn't mean it's over."  
  
Buffy nodded. "I know. I didn't expect it to be over. It's just a step we took. Well, a couple of giant steps, actually. But I know we've got more to go, Spike. I'm here for it. All of it. The only way you're going to make it through is if you believe that. Believe in us, our love. Believe that we can make things right again. Because we can. And no, you will never be the same again, but that's kind of the point, isn't it? You don't want to be that same guy, and you're not. And yeah, I don't think you'll ever not feel guilty. But unless you want to take a weekend in LA for brooding lessons from this guy I know, you have to let me in. I mean it, don't shut me out of what's happening to you, or this all goes down the drain."  
  
Spike sat forward and looked at her. "Brooding lessons......"  
  
Buffy gave him a stern look. "Spike, I'm serious."  
  
A sigh. "Yeah, I got that. It's just.....still hard. I mean, I feel like I should be protecting you from my past, not shoving it down your throat."  
  
Buffy took his hand. "Look, you told me some atrocious stuff last night. And guess what? Still love you. And if tomorrow you tell me something even worse, you got it, still gonna love you. I can take it all. I'm a pretty tough chick, if you haven't noticed. There's only one thing I can't take from you, and that's being on the outside. You worked so hard for me to let you in, and I did, and I've never been happier. Now, if I have to work 10 times as hard, so be it. But you can make my job a lot easier by just smoothing the way. I mean, if I have to punch you in the nose 25 times a day to get you to talk to me, I can do that too, because, to be honest.....kinda gets me hot." When he gave her a sly little smile, her face softened. "Baby, you know I'm right."  
  
Spike nodded. "I know. I just have that drive to......no, I know, you don't need protected by the likes of me. But sometimes it's hard to get started, I think."  
  
Buffy cocked her head to one side. "Need some persuasion, do you?"  
  
He smiled and shook his head. "Not *that* kind of persuasion. I mean, not that I'd ever say no to that kind....." He gave her a suggestive waggle of his eyebrows and she chuckled.  
  
"Don't worry, I know just how.....handle you. I won't let up, because it's all for your own good. Now, about *that* kind of persuasion.....seems to me you *have* said no recently....." Buffy let the playful accusation hang between them.  
  
Spike stood up. "That's cuz I was a bleedin' split-in-two ponce. I've got no such malady now." He scooped her up from the couch. They kissed softly as he carried her up the stairs, feeling no need for an urgent coupling.  
  
When he laid her on the bed, she smiled up at him. "Spike?"  
  
"Yeah, luv?"  
  
"Let's just sleep a bit more for now. I think I'm really drained."  
  
Spike sighed in relief. "Oh, thank god, I'm not sure I could have given you a proper seein' to, m'self. I'm knackered, pet. And I don't want our first time since I've been back to be sub par, ya know?"  
  
"It never is, with you, baby." Buffy raised her head and gave him another gentle kiss.  
  
"Well, seein' as how par is makin' you come 5 times, I think I could only manage 3 and a half in my current condition." He grinned evilly at her.  
  
She raised her eyebrows. "Since when did you set par so high?"  
  
Spike shrugged. "Got a lot of things to make up for in my life. One of 'em being leavin' you alone for several months. High and dry without your Big Bad to give you the good stuff. Gotta make up for it in my own special way." Spike laid down beside Buffy, letting her nestle her head on his chest. He stroked her golden hair until her breathing evened, slowed.  
  
She was almost asleep when he heard her ask, "Spike? What's a half an orgasm like?"  
  
His chuckled rumbled through his chest, jostling her head a bit. He bent his head down and kissed the top of her head. "I promise I'll show you later, luv."  
  
As her breathing and steady heartbeat soothed him to sleep, Spike was certain he had finally found himself. He was a fixer-upper, no doubt, but she thought he was a keeper, and that was all that mattered. He believed with all his heart that she would be with him through thick and thin. For the first time in his existence, he felt he belonged, completely, right where he was. Spike felt like he was more than he had ever been. He was more than a monster. He was more than a man.  
  
He was hers.  
  
**  
  
The End  
  
Well, another semi-saga ended. To be honest, there was probably a little more story that could have been told, but I like to leave my Spuffy on a note of uncertain optimism! Many thanks to the faithful and positive reviews of Mel, KeepTheFaith, TheChosen1, WickedWiccan, Shan-suedluvsbitch, Atterb, Wolf116, and everyone else who took the time to drop me a line. You guys are what make my hobby a passion! And muchas gracias to Jim Marsters(oh yeah, that's right, he asked that I call him Jim...James is just so...formal. And to be honest, sounds a little rigid in the heat of passion..ahem) for gracing my mind's eye every time I write Spike. He's what makes my passion an obsession! And finally, thanks to my hubby/beta, Cellar Dweller, who not only teases me mercilessly that he can pick out my grammar/spelling errors even though he's not a native English speaker, but who also puts up with my insane lust for all things Spike.  
  
Anyway, it's been fun and I'm working on another Spuffy story about (another) alternate season 6 where Buffy first meets Spike after he already has a soul. Kind of like a fresh start for Spuffy, without the messy seasons 2-6 history. Right now it's just a concept, but if I ever get around to putting it all down, you'll know where to find it.  
  
BTW, one last merciless plug for our site, Bite Marks, which you can find here: mysite.verizon.net/res20mu2/ It houses all our fiction, as well as news and rumors about all things Angel/Buffy. Hubby updates it regularly, and I highly recommend checking out the sketches my hubby did, as well as the funny pics of the cast. James' bare butt, anyone??  
  
So, drop me a review and let me know what ya thought about Through the Barricades, my latest labor of Spuffy love. 


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